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NONCHALANT

            I couldn't see, there was too much blood in my eyes.  Too much....too much blood on my hands.  I trembled as I looked over to my side.  There lay a body.  I knew who it was without even checking.  In my hand rest a hot pistol.  A Heckler and Koch's USP, .40 caliber with a silencer attached.  How did I know all that?  I took out the magazine, checked how much ammo was left.....one shot.

            I stood there, seemingly hours passed by.  Rain began to pour hard and lightening rang through my ears.  There was no one in sight and I didn't know what to do.  I didn't even know what I was doing there.  The blood ran from my face and I felt hot, not cold, but sweltering hot.  I couldn't take it.  I took my coat off and threw it behind me.

            The rain continued and I continued to stand there.  I looked at the dead body and I looked at the gun.  I knew who it was, I knew why I was there, and I knew why this whole thing seemed to last forever.  I took the gun, raised it to my temple, and pulled the trigger.  There was no pop, the rain stopped, the sun shown, and I quietly fell backward.  I lay still on the other dead body.  The face of the man I killed was myself two months ago, the face of the man I killed now was myself two months from now.....

            God damn it......I hate that dream.  I sat on my bed, hot and sweaty.  The stereo was playing Vanessa Daou's 'How Do You Feel'.

            'In the dark, of the night, are you frightened by the dying of the light?'

I tried to collect myself, in doing so I fell face first from my bed and ate floor.

            'Do you sleep….do you sigh….do you lie awake at night and wonder “why”'

I grabbed my face.  "Shiiiiit."

            'So nonchalant, release your spirits now, its time, there’s no….there’s no need to pretend.'

            That dream had come to me three times this week.  For some reason I understood everything in it, but when I woke up, I knew nothing.

            'How do you feel, you need to tell someone, how do you feel, do you feel good, do you feel good when the day is done.'

            "How do I feel?  I just fell outta my bed and ate floor.  I feel like shit god damn it........*sigh*…..I feel like shit."  I thought about that last line.......no....I never did feel good when the day was done.....never.