Women's 50 Rules for Men

 1. Call.

 2. Don't lie.

 3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

 4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

 5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No  Petting.

 6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

 7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

 8. Victoria's Secret is good.  Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

 9. Ordering for her is good.  Telling her what she wants is bad.

10. Being attentive is good.  Stalking is bad.

11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag","Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad. 

12. Talking is good.  Shouting is bad.  Slapping is a felony.

13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.

15. Her cooking is excellent.

16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

17. Dishsoap is your friend.

18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.

19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.

21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

22. Two words: clean socks.

23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.

24. Burping is not sexy.

25. You're wrong. then say so.

26. You're sorry. then say so.

27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you  think she is.

28. Ditto for your discourse on football.

29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.

30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.

31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.

33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.

34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean  plaque with your tongue.

35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.

36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.

37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.

38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete  jerk until she does it for you.

39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.

40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

41. Always, always suck up to her brother.

42. Think boxers.

43. Silk boxers.

44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.

45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.

46. Her haircut is never bad.

47. Don't let your friends pick on her.

48. Call.

49. Don't lie.

50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to  go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

Men's 25 Rules for Women

 1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

 2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

 3. Don't make us guess.

 4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't  want to hear.

 5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

 6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

 7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every  other cat.

 8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

 9. Sunday = Sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail.  Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want.  Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is.  He never will. Mark anniversaries.

18. Share the bathroom.

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a quickie in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.