(1) Man goes to lawyer for help.
Man: What is your least expensive fee?
Lawyer: $50 for three questions.
Man: That's pretty expensive, isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes. So what's your third question?
(2) A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."
(3) A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked, "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies, "Four!"
The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
(4) The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
(5) Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
(6) A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "here lies an honest lawyer."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, ‘That's strange!’"
(7) A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.
(8) There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on the shore one day, picked it up and rubbed it, and, sure enough, out popped a Genie. " I will grant you three wishes," replied the Genie. "But there's a catch." The man was ecstatic. "What catch?" he asked. The Genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for." "Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari! " POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferrari's," said the Genie. "Next wish?" "I'd LOVE a million dollars..." replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars," said the Genie. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. The Genie announced that the man had one more wish and to consider his choice carefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly, he drew the Genie's attention to a piece of driftwood lying on the beach. He told the Genie: "For my next wish, please pick up that piece of driftwood and beat me _half_ to death!!!"
(9) In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however.
They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says.
"After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
(10) A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said,
"I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
(11) Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies, " What are you worried about? We're both here."
(12) George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race. After 37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, "We had better lose some altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we are." Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon, and it begins to slowly descend below the cloud cover. Still confused as to their exact location George again offers, "I still can't tell where we are Harry, let's ask that gentleman down there on the ground." Harry yells down to the stranger, "Hey, Mister can you tell us where we are?" "You're in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air," came the reply. "That man must be a lawyer," George quipped. "How can you tell?" said Harry. "Because the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!"
(13) A priest, a doctor and a lawyer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Lawyer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" Priest: "Hey, here comes the greens keeper, let's have a word with him." Priest: "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." Lawyer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"
(14) A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
(15) A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." "I'll take it!," the attorney said.
To be con'd...
