Globalized Solitude
Ok so we start running from this point, you jumped thru your doorway and there you stand on the streets, all alone. What have you got with you? I wouldn't know, check your pockets. Yea you got nothing. What's your age kid? 18? Hey, me too, sweet. Nice to meet you. Your name or what you look like, is not what I care for, it's not essential or relevant. Your ideoligy is providing my hearth with blood... don't interrupt this process.
Yea let me tell about this "kid". He woke up and he couldn't see, breathing was new for him; air filling his lungs, reacting on his fragile organs, entering his blood mixing with the freshness, the newness, the most genuine of all... the immediate pollution starts right now... soundwaves reach his little earshells making his brain vibrate floating in it's pool of innocense, the blankest of it all, he was in the state of mind we all envy, clear from worries, thoughts and social pressure... his eyes burnt into his head in the bright light, as bright as the light you might see when you pass away, a new life was giving birth here. The air running back up his lungs, reaching his throat, kicking out a scream in agony, the first pain is felt and expressed right away... pity how soon this will change. Something happened, the body begins to work using all it's energy resources, the mouth is wide open for breathing and crying, the eyes are half-closed seeking for the darkness in which he was develloped... hands rush around the space, he is being touched, being checked, being whispered to, being cried to, being ruined by human stupidity, endlessly. At this point, he entered the gates of his own downfall, he had no choice, he was guided by someone superiour, he was sent onto a road. It would just sound poetic if I told you this road was endless, running into the distant horizon cutting the edge on eyehight half burried under the sun hanging right above it, smiling, thus reveiling its discovery, for us, there is no such thing as recovery. No, there indeed is an end of this road, right under the sun, light is light, and light will be hurting you forever. When he was born, the light hurt him several times. When he will die, this light will fill him with relief, he will finally know where he is and what will happen to him.
So far, I've seen 2 moments of true happyness in life.. birth..death. At both times, you are your real self, moments of a blank mind, nothing really matters anymore. We all missed the first moment of true happyness then...
It's a fact that we live to die, I've told myself and probably others so many times...
mounting pressure
howling brainstorms
shivering body parts
My eye starts to vibrate
I close it
My eyelid is filled
I dry it
Tickling running down
I try it
taste it
hate it
I want to be there, I don't want to miss it when it will finally overcome me, us. I'm comforted, we can't miss the second train. We can't miss the second, new, different, frightening light. You can't miss your own going...your ride home...
I'm comforted, but I feel pathetic, will THIS be highlight of my life? I will live, and I will live good, no doubt. I'm not suicidal, you should know, but... Good indeed, I will live... Good, defined by me. Not by you, not by your parents, not by your goverment, not by anyone that's not me. You might approve to my definition, we might share it, but everybodies different. From the moment you will start self-destruction you start to change, they made a road for everyone...
From the moment your parental units touch you, you step onto your own path. From this moment you will be influenced by 2 main factors, in most of the cases a man and a woman, I have no problem or whatsoever with the fact of different, more akward situations, (NOT THE WAY AS YOU HAVE BEEN TAUGHT!!!!)
You will be taught. You will be educated. You were taught. You were educated. You are being raised. You were being raised. Do you sense the politcally correctness? Up yours.
So, you start with a blank mind, slowly being influenced by parents, tv-shows, school, fashion, money, everything you can touch, everything you can see, everything you can smell, everything you ever will be in the same space with. You see new birth being gained, you see more life being drowned, lost, dripping down the drain. I've seen enough, there are people who have seen more, when your make-up runs over your face because it's raining and you were heading for a party... don't cry my baby. Rest your head on my shoulder, I'll stroke trough your hair. Think of the kids being shot, murdered, dying of starvation, poorly educated, living an unmaterialistic life where you are king of the world if you posess a piece of food... Yes my baby, cry on my shoulder. Taste your tears, I did too. Taste your own selfish salt... I can't kiss you, my lips are too dry, your salt will rub into them and hurt me. In more sensible way than you can possibly imagine.
I wish I was different. From what I am now. I wish I was a dedicated massproduct of society, unfortunatly, I am everything except dedicated... I wish I was more paranoid with people, I wish I didn't trust people as much as I do now. I always give. No, I don't give you materials, I give you what I can, I can think of you, I can love you, I can comfort you, I can make you smile, I can do a lot, but what I can not do is make you see what I want you to see, because you have to do that by yourself. How I pity this. Why? Because I forgot how to love, watching back over my shoulder into my own shade, seeing pain, sadness and depression. I want to look forward. What's in front of me? In front of me is love, which I can not define... Will I ever?
When I thought I had seen it, it slipped away, I had someone resting her head on my arm near to my chest, something I could stroke, something that was asleep, hairs tickling my face, breathe running over my skin, denial, rejection, I apologized. I am a fool.
Things like this, also influence our being, our attitude. Everything does.
Please, live your life, I don't know what you think of this text, and I dont know what you think about me, but I hope you liked reading it... I am a bit down, but I will never be suicidal, in case you were worried.
I hope you saw my attitude modestly change from soft to a tad bit rude... It's how I am.
Some of you inspired me, thank you.
Hey. You know I love you...
-ZhorTroX