A kind of Satsang 15th September[back to the main page]
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I am not sure exactly when I last wrote my thoughts and experiences or when I
channeled for Zhrnan last, but I will give you an update of what I have been
experiencing since we were last in touch. My lesson since the last time we were
in touch has been the ‘letting go lesson’. This lesson has been widespread
and very hard work in a sense. Zhrnan has been working intensely but gently with
me. Firstly he has helped me to become aware of all the things I am consciously
and subconsciously holding onto. Most of the things that I have found that I
hold onto are agendas mixed with conditioning. I tend to hold very tightly to
wanting particular outcomes. I have found that I also put a lot of stress on
myself to do and achieve particular things. I realized that the expectations I
had were very demanding. For example; I wanted to paint all the ideas that came
to me, write proposals for exhibitions, channel fortnightly satsangs, write a
new book of poetry, keep my house spotless, have the fridge constantly full of
good home grown and organic food, cook gourmet meals for the family and guests,
write half a dozen emails a day, record a journal of my experiences, as well as
caring for and having plenty of time for my ten month old son! And that wasn’t
the entire list of the things I was expecting myself to get done!
So you can see that there was an enormous amount of pressure coming from just me. Zhrnan gently but firmly asked me to let go of wanting to achieve any of the above. Boy, was that difficult! So this last month or so has been about battling with myself. Often times I would feel the physical sensation creeping over me- tight shoulders, aching neck and tightening in my stomach. Zhrnan has taught me to watch my body very carefully as it is a great indicator of when things are not in harmony. So, when I became aware of these sensations in my body, the next thing I was to do was, to stop, listen. Find out what was going on in my head to cause this disharmony. And every time and I mean every time, it was my loading up on expectations. Once I became aware of this, the next step was to simply look at all the rubbish I was loading myself up with and then let go. Poof! Gone. Often times I was like a junky not wanting to let go, I would be saying to myself "I’ll just hold it for a little while and then I’ll let go." In fact it reminds me of the ring in The Lord of the Rings. But with practice I have got a little better at letting go. The universe has also been in cahoots with Zhrnan and there have been many situations where I have been tested. Once I got a little better at letting go, I also started to experience something very interesting. I started to become aware of another realm that I was a part of as well. Actually, it felt like many different realms or ways of being. I started to have an almost constant awareness of these ways of being, that were running parallel to the experience of this realm or this dimension. I would almost equate it with the description James Twyman gives of going through the door, or perhaps, of experiencing a kind of ‘heaven’ whilst going about my everyday business. I felt a calmness and quiet descend upon me. And when I was in this state, it became very clear to me that the only reason I was not in this state all the time was because I kept choosing to go back to the old habit of holding on. It was so obvious to me that I was amazed that I hadn’t seen this earlier and even more amazed that I kept choosing to hang on. Zhrnan has said that I must learn this lesson well and be very skilled at letting go, in order for me to be able to shift to the next level that I need to go to. He says that I cannot shift fully until I have mastered this skill of letting go. I often feel like Rocky the boxer in the movie, who has gone to the mountains to train! It feels like very intense training even though from the outside it looks like nothing is happening to me at all. In fact, sometimes I find myself getting frustrated because I am doing nothing or so it seems when I get caught up again in the illusion of having to achieve something instead of just being. But I do feel like I am getting better at this ‘letting go’ thing. It seems that with practice I am more easily able to just be. So perhaps you won’t be hearing from me and Zhrnan every two weeks as I had hoped, but we will be in touch and "it will be at the appropriate times, in the appropriate manner" (Zhrnan’s words). There is so much more I could say about this subject but I think then it would be too long winded. If you have any questions about what I have written or would like to know more drop me an email. I guess this was the next Satsang in a slightly different form. I hope you enjoyed it and got something valuable out of it. Go in peace. Gina and Zhrnan
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