Shouts of surprise, wonder and shock echoed over the Kaiu walls as a cloud of dark smoke seemed to roll over the horizon. The Crab samurai, used to all sorts of monstrosities coming from the Shadowlands, had not expected to see one coming from the other side, from Rokugan’s heart. They stood there, stunned at this great foolishness.

“Lord Yakamo must learn of this! It might be an attack on us!” one of them shouted, and one of them was immediately dispatched to be the bearer of this information.

~~~

“Yakamo-sama! Yakamo-sama!” A samurai, agitated and panting, knelt by the paper screens, trying to pay his respects to the Lord of the Crab even when he was bearing shocking news. The Crab Champion, who was beginning to wish he had joined his sister O-ushi in her hunt for more Shadowlands creatures to kill, glanced at the samurai kneeling in seiza. “I have been stationed at the battlements, Yakamo-sama, and I have seen a monstrosity coming this way!”

“Aha! Time for a fight! What is it?” Yakamo stood up, closing his Jade hand to form a fist. The Jade hand fairly itched to reach for his tetsubo, but he had servants put on his armor on him, waiting for the samurai to speak some more about this.

"It is not an Oni, Yakamo-sama!" The samurai shook his head. “It comes from Rokugan lands!”

“WHAT!?!”

~~~

“I see it—it is coming closer—” The samurais strained to look at what was approaching, and they gasped in unison when they saw an advance escort in Crane colors coming to the walls. One samurai immediately prepared to shoot the scout, but Yakamo stopped him by extending his Jade hand over the arrowhead. They had not noticed that their lord was already there with them. All of them hastily bowed to their Champion, and they straightened when he gave them a signal.

“What is it?” he asked one of them, his voice brooking no argument. The samurai stopped an urge to scratch his head. He really had no idea, but they’ve been speculating for quite some time.

“We think it is a—caravan of sorts,” Tampako said, hesitating. “The advance escort is wearing Crane colors.”

“A caravan from the Crane?” Yakamo didn’t remember of any caravan being allowed to come this way—and they rarely did. Their ashigaru usually provided enough for their needs. 'It has to be a trap,' he thought. He was about to send a signal to arm themselves for battle when a voice cut in before he could open his mouth.

“Yakamo-sama, that caravan is for me.”

“Uji-san?” He turned on the heel of his ironclad boots to see his friend looking a bit disoriented. Uji didn’t seem to be expecting this caravan to come so soon. And it didn’t look like an ordinary caravan. For one thing, it had such a big dust cloud after it. If it was just an ordinary caravan it wouldn’t be leaving such a trail…Yakamo’s eyes narrowed, suspicious of what new ‘toy’ Uji brought to Crab lands. Uji loved all things gaijin, and it could be one of those things again.

“It came two days early. I didn’t think they could make it this fast. I was going to tell you to let this caravan safely, but it seems like I underestimated the skill of the caravan drivers.”

“What manner of tricks have you brought to this place now, my friend?”

“Nothing that you would find interesting, Yakamo-sama.”

“The caravan must have Otaku steeds, it is going so fast,” one of the samurais marveled beneath his breath. Yakamo heard it though, and the suspicions in his head were confirmed. He wondered what expression Uji had behind his mempo of metal.

Uji tried not to smile behind his mask, but he had the feeling his friend would not like what 'tricks' he have up his sleeve with the coming of the caravan.

~~~

Three days of weird clanking noises and smoke belching from the subterranean room Uji had sequestered for his new toy, and finally Yakamo got an invitation to see what it was. He descended to the lower levels of the Kaiu castle, knowing full well that the Kaiu smiths have wondered what could have been causing such a racket and so much smoke. The smithies were empty, it was the Kaiu’s day of rest. Without the sounds of the forges he could hear the weird whirling noise from the room where Uji was. He didn’t even try to knock at the iron studded wooden door, darkened by prolonged exposure to the smoke from the nearby smithies. Over the din in the room Uji could never possible hear it if he tried.

He opened the door, saw Uji standing in front a big black monstrosity. Its surface gleamed of dark metals, and he had a sinking feeling in his stomach it was made of obsidian, just like the hand his enemy Hitome had. Uji turned at the sound of the door opening, and nodded in welcome.

“Admiring your new toy, I see.”

“I thought you’d find it interesting, but I wanted to test everything first.” Uji, a few inches shorter than the brawny Crab champion, smiled easily behind his mask. “You will find this new gaijin toy I found fascinating, I am sure, Yakamo-sama. It’s a one of a kind torture device.”

“Spare me from your hobbies, Uji-san,” Yakamo growled from deep in his throat. “I don’t understand how the Crane put up with your weird fancies.”

“I am effective, and I’m always useful.” He did a sweeping gesture to his big black clanking machine. It was an outrage, full of angled planes and gears and chains. As of present it was silent, so Uji must have turned it off with the levers by the side. Yakamo still couldn’t shake off the feeling that he was missing something here, and that maybe it wasn’t safe to be here. “Come closer, Yakamo-sama. I’ll teach you how this works.”

“It sure looks like a torture device,” he mumbled under his breath as he swaggered forward, pretending he wasn’t uneasy about coming closer. Uji’s smiled widened behind his mask.

“Now do you see that chain above? Can you reach to it? I used a pole to reach it the first trial, but—“ And Uji showed the remains of what was a naginata. One end looked like it had been splintered and gnawed completely by Ratlings. Yakamo tugged at the chain, trying to bring it down, but it wouldn’t budge even when he used all his strength. He howled in frustration, angry that his strength (which he’d always been proud of) wasn’t enough to get this innocent-looking chain.

“Now is this some sort of—” Yakamo tugged harder, but it wouldn’t move. Uji then remembered something. He went to the other side of the machine and pulled a lever.

Whirring sounds, and then shackles suddenly descended to clamp around Yakamo’s wrists. With a bellow of fury at being tricked Yakamo tried to yank the chains and cuffs off. But they held, keeping him trapped, and in the mercy of both his friend and this ugly machine whirring to life. Steam bellowed from a pipe up on top, and Yakamo felt the shackles turning, making him face away from the machine. He balefully glared at the person he considered to be his friend.

“UJI! GET THESE CHAINS OFF ME AT ONCE OR I’LL CRUSH YOUR THICK SKULL WITH MY TETSUBO, I SWEAR I WILL, THE MOMENT I GET OUT OF THIS! YES, I WILL, AND THEN I’LL FEED YOUR BODY TO THE ONI AND ALLIANCES BE DAMNED!!!”

“If and when you get free, Yakamo-sama.” Uji seemed pleased by how well his ploy worked. “I think it all depends on me, right?”

“I will kill you, Uji! Let me get my hands on you and I’ll—”

“You’ll what, Yakamo-sama?” Uji raised an eyebrow. “Have you forgotten it’s you who is at my mercy right now? I can keep you here, so I can have my little bit of fun.”

Yakamo struggled some more, ending up with the chains tightening their grip on his wrists. He hissed at the chains cutting at his flesh. He wasn’t wounded, yet, but Uji would be lucky if he would live to tell the tale when Yakamo got himself out of this. He was already thinking where to hit Uji first so as to keep him conscious but numb.

Yakamo decided that a tetsubo to the groin would be fun, if only as a permanent (and not very obvious) punishment. Now if only he could escape—

Uji smirked at the Crab Champion. “I’m sorry to see you all tied up, Yakamo-sama. But I didn’t tie you up just so as to admire you. I have a purpose.”

“LET ME GO YOU SCUM!”

“Oh, am I scum now?” Uji laughed. He really found it funny, having his brawny friend trapped. He was finding this reversal of roles very invigorating. “You’ll have me begging to stop, Yakamo, before I’m finished with you.”

Yakamo’s eyes narrowed, and he stopped moving for a moment. Then he renewed his struggles with renewed vigor. “Oh no, you won’t! I’ll shout for my bushi!”

“Tsk, tsk, my friend. They wouldn’t hear you. And everyone else who usually are here today are resting. You Crabs like driving yourselves too hard. Why won’t you have some fun with me?” Uji ran a hand down Yakamo’s chest, laughing as Yakomo tried shying away from it.

“I don’t like your kind of fun. All you Cranes think off is that—”

“Oh, what do we think of?” Uji unfastened the cords holding Yakamo’s chest plate in place. Yakamo tried bucking away, but Uji just whispered, “Hold still.” He got it off with a minimum of fuss and a lot of curses from Yakamo.

“You are really going to pay for this, Uji!”

“We’ll see.” Uji took something he’d been hiding behind him. He kept it hidden from Yakamo’s view, but he was still smiling. “What do you think I have in my hand?”

“The keys to set me free,” Yakamo deadpanned.

“Oh, no.” Uji displayed it, happy to have found it at such short notice. He knew he’d kept one hidden just for such a chance like this, Uji thought, smugly.

“No!”

“Oh, yes!”

“Oh, nononono!” Yakamo was vigorously shaking his head.

“Oh, yes, yes, yes!”

“Not a comb! And not that!”

‘That’ was a headdress made of Crane feathers, with two tails made of more feathers hanging on the side. Uji had always wondered if Yakamo would look good in one, and had spent months planning to get Yakamo in this position. Uji waved the comb menacingly.

“Now we will see what you look like under that tangle of hair!”

“AAAAAAAAARGH!”

“Kawaii!” Uji was laughing his head off at how ridiculous Yakamo looked with the headdress. Yakamo was steaming up, hating every minute of this torture. He was just glad O-ushi was not seeing him tied up to this outrageous machine with a feather headdress on his neatly combed hair. And at the mercy of his friend.

“I thought you were my friend, Uji!”

“Where’s your sense of humor, Yakamo? I thought you Crabs were the one who likes to laugh at things.” Uji stroked his chin. “And I’m not through with you yet.”

“Any more of this and I’ll have to commit seppuku. You have brought down shame on me and yourself!”

“How do you commit seppuku? Braining yourself with a tetsubo?” Uji scoffed. “And who ever heard a Crab telling a Crane he’s shameful?”

“Well, you heard it today!” he shouted, pissed off.

“Oh, so the Crab is pissed off. We’ll see if I can make you even more pissed off.” So saying, Uji reached up to the headdress and plucked one feather out, toying with it. Mischief glinted in his eyes. Yakamo’s narrowed.

“Tell me, my friend,” Uji started, voice soft. “Are you ticklish?”

~~~

The din coming out from the lower levels of the Kaiu Castle reverberated over the polished wooden floors. The samurais walking over it could have sworn they heard laughter, deep, helpless laughter, and a voice begging for the torture to stop. But they just shrugged and went on to what they were doing, sure nothing like that was happening. They thought it was just their imagination they could hear Yakamo begging for the tickling to stop.

Why would he, anyway? It was impossible Uji had gotten their Lord trapped, right?

~~~

A few hours later, a very pleased Uji removed the shackles over Yakamo’s wrists, and the Crab sank, boneless, to the ground. Uji squatted beside his friend. Yakamo was nearly insensate, and Uji found that he liked the sight of the sweating, tired out Crab just stretched out to forever, eyes closed as he tried to get his breathing even, to stop the aching he felt from laughing too hard. Uji made a move to stand up from his squatting position, but Yakamo grabbed at his arm, bringing Uji down beside him. Uji yelped in surprise, and saw the gleam in Yakamo’s eyes.

“I haven’t punished you yet.”

Uji had thought that Yakamo would be too tired to think of revenge. Obviosuly he was wrong. He needed to find a way to escape, fast. Yakamo was brawnier than he was, yes, but he thought of a way to keep Yakamo off balance, to keep himself alive until he could get to the door. Yakamo’s Jade hand joined his real one, and he tugged at Uji’s plate armor. “We’ll see how well you can live though my punishment, you little bastard....”

So saying, he caught Uji’s mouth in a rough kiss.

~~~

Samurais just pretended they couldn’t hear the moans and screams coming from down below. They just tacitly agreed it just had to be a goblin that the Crane and Crab were torturing, to test the wonders of the big black clanking machine Uji had brought downstairs. They just didn’t want to know what was happening there.

And in the end, it was safer for them to pretend not to hear anything.

~~~

Night fell, and finally Uji could think coherently enough. He was still sprawled over the floor, and Yakamo was laughing at him. “Now who’s laughing?” Yakamo teased as the shadows started shrouding them from each other. He knew there was a lamp here somewhere, but he didn’t want to move as of yet, just savoring the smug satisfaction of having had his way, again, in the end.

Uji stretched, feeling the cold breeze against his damp skin. He could barely make out Yakamo’s form in the shadows. He couldn’t feel his armor or clothes anywhere beside him, and he groaned, annoyed. He wanted to dress, go up, take a bath, eat, and then sleep. But where were his clothes? “Where are my clothes?” he asked, accusingly. Yakamo had nearly torn everything off him a few hours before, so Yakamo should have a general idea where they were. But then, he didn’t even think their brains were functioning at that point....

Yakamo chuckled. “I have no idea…hm, Uji?”

“What?” he asked, grouchy. He ached all over, dammit. He wanted a nice, long, hot bath, and someone to massage his back. Oh, but it had felt so good. The whole room still had a mist hanging over it, from their intense and hasty lovemaking.

“What other tricks can this big monstrosity do?”

Uji smiled in the darkness. “We must have another session like this, to find out.”

“When we get O-ushi out of our hair.” The could imagine how the beautiful and brash Crab would break down the door and demand what was going on, just as they were in the middle of things. Uji groaned. It was going to be hard to get her out of here. Then an idea came to his mind. He snuggled to Yakamo, and whispered into the Crab’s ear.

“Let’s get her married to someone.”

His chest rumbled with laughter. “Good idea.”

--------
the end

*falls down laughing my head off, or at leash laughing as loud as I could, since it’s 3:03 a.m. and I’m the only one awake in the whole frigging neighborhood.*

Now we know why Yakamo’s so anxious to get O-ushi married. *giggles* Oh damn it, I’m not going to stop laughing I think.

*exits because she needs to laugh herself off*