Title: Ode to an incredibly perfect GK 1&2
Rating: PG for innuendo and just plain stupidity
Fandom: Labyrinth
parts: 2, one for each story
disclaimer: I don't own jareth, labyrinth, or any popular cultural
references. I'm sad to say I own myself in this, heh
Summary: my penance to Jareth when I get too mean to him in fanfiction. He
makes me write disgustingly adoring fic about him. Kind of reads like
MST3K in a warped way
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: The following text should be read only with
an accompanying antacid or a stiff drink and a barf bag. Failure to do
so will bring about extreme nausea, and maybe a big stain on your
floor. Read without this survival pack only at your own risk.
*******************************************************************
I'm at home right now, hoping that he won't find me...maybe I can
write a part into Jedi in the Underground so I can get out of this
stupid idea...
"What kind of idea is it, dear?"
Wonderful...glitter all over my 'puter and I still can't get
out of this. "Er...stupendous, J. I didn't think you made house calls
on the weekends."
"For you I'll always make an exception...now then, are we
ready to start?"
"Ready as I'll ever be...do I really have to do this?"
"You promised!"
"All right, all right...stop pouting...I cannot believe I agreed to
this."
"I do -not- pout...I'll even make it easy on you; I'll give you
suggestions when you get stuck."
"Fine, fine...so that way you'll get even more satisfaction out of
this?"
"Exactly...although, if you want me to be completely satisfied..."
"I'm going to ignore that...this is so ridiculous!"
"Ahem...I can't wait around forever...well? Type!"
**********************************************************************
Ziggy sat in her room, bored to tears. The poor girl had things to
do, but they were not worthy of her attention. She simply could not
focus her mind on anything except the only man who could truly move her
*yeah, move me to jump off a cliff*; an example of sublime perfection,
the goblin king.*oy, where's my pepto bismal?*
The girl contemplated on calling her wonderful master but feared he was
busy with other listians...the last thing she would want to do would be
to upset the love of her life.*WHAT?* She was nearly on the verge of
crying out in agony *you mean she had to write a stupid story too?*
when a flash of glitter appeared before her, revealing the
ever-impressive, gorgeous, glorious, brilliant, and downright wonderful
goblin king. *I think I'm going to need a LOT of pepto...*
With a sudden squeal of delight *I haven't squealed since I was ten,
thank you!* she jumped up off her bed and into his strong, muscular
arms and smothered him with kisses. *just how many paperback romance
novels has J been reading?* The fabulous king gazed at her with an
understanding grace. Although she was below his usual standards, he
understood that she simply could not live without him...
*************************************************************
"WAIT A MINUTE!!!"
"What? I think it's going rather well."
"Wipe that smirk off your face, bub...just what do you mean
by 'she was below his usual standards!?'"
"Nothing personal, dear, just adding in a few choice descriptions,
just like you do in some of your stories."
"Why you-"
"Temper, temper, my dear...just calm down and keep typing."
**********************************************************************
"Oh, thank you for coming! I didn't think I'd survive another minute
without you being by my side!" Ziggy sighed, leaning against the king's
masculine chest, practically getting high off of listening to his
heartbeat.*I'd better get a LOT of comments on this...* Now that he
was there, all was right with the universe...she would not die of
heartbreak and loneliness. *how about of humiliation?*
"I know..." he replied, his smooth, deep voice better than the
purest music.
"But were you busy? The last thing I would ever want to do would be
to make you unhappy!" she said, gazing up at him with big eyes. He
looked down at her face and smiled. *are you sure that was all he was
looking at?*
"Oh, don't worry, sweet, I always have time for my followers.." he
replied, his eyes shining with understanding like the dew on a flower
right as it opens at dawn. *GAG!*
"Thank you, I'm so glad I have your forgiveness for ever thinking I
could do better than you, Jareth...you are my entire world, my only
reason for living. I don't know how I survived before I met you!" *I'm
starting to remember how quiet it was...*
"Thank you, dear. Now then, what would you like to do today?"
*******************************************************************
I nearly choked on my pepto at J's next suggestion. "I AM NOT
WRITING THAT!!!"
"But it fits so well."
"I would never say THAT!!!"
"Sure you would, if you had the proper motivation."
"No I wouldn't...can't I at least have a little dignity in this?"
"Sorry, but for this story your dignity belongs to me." I'm really
starting to get sick of that grin.
"But I would never say that!"
"Just start writing, pet, and it will seem much easier..."
"Where's Y2K when you need it?"
******************************************************************
"I don't know..." the mere mortal replied, looking away.
"Come, come, love, if there's something you want...you know I'll do
it all for you." *I really don't want to know what he means by that*
When Ziggy finally spoke, she unleashed the wish that had been
bottled up in her soul for so long...she had merely been afraid to confess
it to herself...but now...now she desperately needed to tell him. Her
desire was overwhelming all her other thoughts and emotions. *yeah, my
desire to throw a gk through a window* She replied while gazing at him
with a stare that was intense as rabid flames. *does that even make
sense?*
*I can't believe I'm writing this...* "I know I've refused you before,
but only because I was too afraid...Oh, Jareth, make love to me until I
beg you to stop! But even then don't listen to me...keep going until
you know that I absolutely cannot continue...make all my dreams come
true so that I might never forget them...make love to me until I scream
for mercy...please, I can't take saying no any longer!" *Forget the
pepto, I'm going to need a REALLY stiff drink*
When the king replied, he did so with all the compassion and
tenderness in his soul. "My dear, as much as I'd love to fulfill your
desires, your integrity is much more important to me than a few hours
of indescribible pleasure." *Since When!!?* "Oh, don't cry, love,
things will work out," he reassured her, stroking her cheek with a
delicate finger clothed in the finest of leather.
"If it is because I'm not good enough for you, I already am aware of
that...I know I'll never be able to fully please you, but can't you
take pity on me?" *oh good lord, am I actually writing this?*
"You'll thank me someday...but I know what we can do...there's a
Fae fair in the Underground today, and it would give me great pleasure if
you would be my guest." *yeah, right...he probably just couldn't get a
date.*
"Of course! Anything to satisfy you, my beloved king!" the girl
cried with delight, watching in awe as the glorious man standing next to
her produced a crystal. Yes, he truly was the epitome of perfection.
*EPITOME OF PERFECTION???* Before she knew it (she was a little slow)
*say what?!* they had disappeared in a flash of brilliant light.
********************************************************************
"Okay, I did your little story...I'm done!"
"No you're not...that's just the beginning."
"Come on...please, don't make me keep writing this!"
"Would you rather I make you write a novel?"
"Hmmm....next part, coming right up!"
********************************************************************
The two soon appeared in a clearing in the Underground that was
covered with tents and booths of all colors and sizes. *Wow, this may
be the one sentence in the entire story that isn't absolutely cheesey.*
"Well, then, what would you like to do first?" he asked her with
that incredibly sexy voice of his.
"Whatever you feel like. After all, you know best...you truly are
the only perfect male to ever set foot on earth's dusty surface." *Oy,
forgive me for that one, God!*
"Hmmm...there are a few vendors here, and I have been meaning to get
some new tights...would you mind?"
"Of course not! It would give me nothing but ecstatic pleasure to
watch you change clothes...if only to offer the tiny bit of advice I
know about color-coordination!" *whimper*
So, the couple headed off for a merchant's tent, where the goblin
king with the best physique in the entire universe tried on clothes for
two
hours, much to the delight of his young listian who just couldn't get
enough of his magnificent fashion sense. *where IS that drink?!*
After the magnificent Jareth had made his selections, he turned to
the mortal who practically disgraced the rest of the fair with her
terribly
ordinary appearance.
****************************************************************
"Will you STOP that?!"
"What is it now?"
"Jareth...if you are going to make suggestions, fine, but I can't
take much more of this!!! Especially when I'm being constantly insulted!"
"I'll make it up to you later, if you'll let me-"
"JARETH!!!"
"Fine, just write!"
*********************************************************************
"Aren't you going to get anything, dear?" he asked her, the dashing
glimmer in his eyes perfectly setting off the ensemble he was wearing.
"Oh, no...I would ruin these fine fabrics with my appearance...I
wouldn't want to pervert this land more than I already have by coming
here!" she replied humbley. *grrrrr*
"Well, I wouldn't want you to go home empty-handed...here, I've
brought you a gift," the incredible monarch said, producing an item,
but keeping it hidden.
"What is it, besides a present?" his companion asked impatiently.
"This!" he answered, spraying her with bright orange silly string.
In response, she laughed until she cried.
"Oh, Jareth! You are so funny...I am so honored to be insulted by
you as long as it gives you even a miniscule amount of happiness!" *forget
the drink, I'll need something stronger, like a sledge hammer!*
They left the tent and meandered around the fair grounds until they
came to a dwarf-tossing competition. Pausing to watch, they gazed on
in admiration at the competitors. Unfortunately, Ziggy was standing a
little too close, and was clobbered by a dwarf that was thrown slightly
off course. The wonderfully sensitive Jareth looked down at her form
on the ground with the utmost concern. *did I mention that I had better
get lots of comments on this?*
"My dear listian, are you all right?"
"Oh, I'm fine!" She gasped in horror as she spied his hand, ungloved
for some unknown reason. "Oh, poor baby! You broke a nail! I knew I
shouldn't have let you bring me here...now you're paying for all my
wretchedness...it's all my fault!" *I don't know if I'm going to make
it through this...*
"It's nothing," he assured her with a grin that almost made her
faint. *at the stupidity of this dialogue?*
"Are you sure you can make it? I wouldn't want you to over-exert
yourself!" Ziggy cried.
"Of course, now then, what else can we see?"
Jareth and Ziggy wandered over to where a group of fireys was
cavorting with reckless abandon. Ziggy giggled as they mixed a huge
tub of red dye for the annual marking of the fireys' territory in the
woods...a very complex and detailed tradition of the utmost
importance...
****************************************************************
"Tradition my foot! You just want to clobber me with that dye!!"
"I'm not the author dear, merely your muse.."
"If you're my muse, then I want a refund!"
"Come now, I'm sure people are finding this entertaining; I know I
am!" He gaped at my reply. "Oh, darling, you must really watch your
language! The other listians might think you're not completely sincere
in your efforts!"
"Imagine that..."
******************************************************************
Jareth, wise soul that he was, had warned his companion not to get
too close; after all, fireys were known for their crazy antics. But the
silly mortal would not listen, saying she adored the creatures and
didn't care what they did. In less than half-a-minute, she was covered
with red dye and the sleeves of her top were shredded.
"Oh, I am sorry, your Majesty of the Kingdom of my Heart, for my
recklessness...can you ever forgive me for not listening to your
omniscient advise?" *I don't think I can forgive her for such corny
speech*
"Of course, you are, after all, only human. Let's see what else we
can find...preferably something a little safer on your part."
Suddenly becoming hungry, the two sauntered over to the refreshment
tent, Ziggy all the while gaping at her king's magnificence. *when is
this going to be over?* As they headed towards a table covered in
peaches, the Underground's prime natural resource, a dwarf that had
been thrown the wrong way crashed into the table, sending its entire
bounty plummeting down on the unsuspecting listian. Everyone in the
tent laughed incredibly hard at her expense, except of course, for the
sensitive, wise, beautiful, and just plain mind-boggling goblin king.
*I think I'm going to need therapy by time this is over* Jareth
quickly grabbed her hand and led her away from the crowds to a somewhat
more private area.
"Oh, little one, I am sorry, I thought this would be fun...I didn't
mean for you to get tormented so." *sure...whatever*
"I know, Jareth...I'm just thrilled that I could accompany you,
after all, I would never expect that you would choose me for this splendid
event, being the lowest of listians and all." *ARGH, I am so getting
tired of that!*
"Anything to brighten your day, dear. Now then, let's see if we can't
get you cleaned up," the benevolent Jareth replied, starting to scoop
the chunks of peaches off her shoulders. Unable to contain her passion
for the king any longer, she pressed herself against him and began
kissing at his neck with a fury that almost made his heart pound.
After all, she was only a mortal and not much, and could only stimulate
him so far...
******************************************************************
"WILL YOU STOP THAT!!??"
"What? Don't you like how it's turning out?"
"First you insult me, then you make me look so cheap...this is
really getting obnoxious, J!"
"I'm only expanding on your character, dear...wasn't your nickname
your senior year of high school 'Jezebel'?"
"THAT WAS BECAUSE I WAS PLAYING A SLUT IN A PLAY, MORON!!! I would
never do that in real life!!! It's ACTING!!!! And it was Moliere, a
highly respected playwrite! Come on, can't this end soon?!"
"How much is it worth to you?"
"JARETH!!!"
"All right...I suppose now would be a good enough time to finish
this..."
*************************************************************
"My darling listian, please try and contain yourself...I know you
love me more than life itself, but I simply cannot ask you to sacrifice
your
purity for me," Jareth persisted, pulling himself away in a graceful
motion any professional dancer would envy. *and with an ego that
actually is bigger than that Riverdance guy's opinion of himself*
"If you say so...you do know best." Ziggy replied, sighing and
gazing at her king with adoration.
"I do...come on, you must be dead tired! I think it's time we go
back." With another one of those amazing hand gestures *I know a hand
gesture I'd like to use about now* he produced another shimmering
crystal and suddenly they were back in Ziggy's room. "Now then, would
you like me to use my magic to help you out, dear?" he asked in that
dreamy voice that flowed like melted chocolate and wrapped around its
recipient like velvet and silk, raising an elegant eyebrow at her
bedraggled appearance. *insert my desperate sobbing for mercy here*
"Oh, I could never ask you to do that, Jareth! It would be a waste
of magic to ask you to help me out...I could never treat you so horribly!
No, I don't know how much longer I can contain my love for you, so you
might as well leave before I do something rash." *like shoot myself to
spare my integrity as a writer?*
"As you wish dear...till we meet again," he replied, kissing her
hand, but not too much, for he didn't want to encourage her. *that's a new
one on me!*
"Till next time, I will dream only of you, the wonderful, absolutely
perfect goblin king!" she whispered as he faded away.
************************************************************************
"NO MORE!!!! MERCY MERCY MERCY!!!!!! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!! I CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!"
"See, I knew you'd find this beneficial to your writing!"
I couldn't answer at that point, I was too busy whimpering in defeat.
"So, you'll be nice from now on?"
"YES!!!"
"And you won't terrorize me like you've been doing?"
"NO!!!"
"And you'll admit you're true feelings for me?"
"If that's what it takes to get out of writing a sequel, YES!!!" I
noticed his persistent stare. "What, now?"
"I can always make you add another chapter."
"All right I give up! I love you with all of my being, you just
scare me sometimes... I'll be nice, I won't be such a moron, and I won't
make fun of you! Are you happy? I'm completely broken here!"
He chuckled and patted my back lightly. "Good girl... I knew I
could make you see reason."
"J, no offense, but I don't know how much longer I can stay civil...
as much as I adore ya, this has been a little much... for your own
safety... leave NOW!"
"So you aren't going to take the third part of your punishment now?"
due to decency's sake, my reply will be left to the imagination.
"I'll take that as a no...well, I'll let you think about it and come
back when you're in a better mood...till we meet next, dear."
He took one look at my expression and gulped. "Well, I'll leave you
to finish your pink stomach-soothing liquid stuff....the twisty straw
is a nice touch, by the way!" he added, smirking as he vanished before
I could work up a reply.
************************************************************************
Well, like I said IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!! Comments are extremely
appreciated, only if you don't tell me how completely horrible this is;
I already know it and take no responsibility for it whatsoever. Oh,
and if I were to add a disclaimer, it would be that I don't own
labyrinth, and I really don't care to own that pathetic version of me
in the story...I take no ownership over THAT at all...oy, I think I
need Tylenol...I have a migrain coming on...
May Bowiedom Forgive Me for This Completely and Utterly Bad Piece of
Fanfic,
Ziggy (man, if J's in this much of a vengeance mood, I'd be nice to him
for awhile, unless you want to end up doing something like this!)
*****
*****
"Oy...home again home again...at least Mom left some dinner for
me...and no one's using the computer!!! At least something's going
right today!!"
"Glad you think so, dear."
"Uh, make that *was* going right...."
"Don't sound so sarcastic! It doesn't become you..."
"Yeah, yeah, what are you doing here, J?"
"Remember? You said I could help you right a sequel to your story!!!"
"Why Jareth!! I'm shocked! You really want a sequel to Return on the
Underground?"
"Not THAT story...the good story!!!"
"You mean that piece of utterly humiliating fic I did a few months ago
when people thought I was being too hard on you?"
"That's just the one!!"
"Get that grin off your face while I go get reinforcements..."
"I'll just occupy myself here..." I don't even want to know what he
means by that...
"Hey! Where's my dinner!!!? JARETH!!!!"
"You mean that wasn't a gesture of apology?"
"No, that was more like a gesture of trying to feed my stomach for the
first time in nearly nine hours!!"
"Touchy...why are you lugging a twenty-four pack of Pepto Bismal over
here?"
"I have a feeling I'm going to need it...amazing what you can get at
Sam's these days..."
"You're stalling."
"Very observant...do I really have to do this?"
"Would you rather be suspended headfirst in the Bog?"
"All right, all right...I hope I can make it through this..."
"Come on and get on with it!! Less chatter and more typing!!!"
************************************************
Ziggy was in her room, sprawled across her bed, a forlorn expression
of extreme guilt and melancholy across her face. *You mean she had an
uninvited houseguest eat her dinner, too?* She didn't know why she had
done it...she couldn't believe she had succumbed to something so
terrible...*If you mean writing a sequel, then I don't know why she did
it, either!* She couldn't take it much longer...she had to clear her
conscience!!! The knowledge of what she had done was just too
overwhelming!!! It was so terrible...so mind-boggling...so horrid that
it just didn't make sense to her why she had succumbed in the first
place!! *Are we going to beat up on Ziggy or do we actually get to find
out what she did sometime in the next five sentences?* There was only
one person that could help her now!! Only one man was strong enough to
help her deal with the evil she had gotten herself into. *Let me just
click on my Bat Signal...* If only she could gather enough strength to
actually face him!! *Yeah, J can be a hard sight to take without makeup
sometimes...* Sighing bitterly, she summoned all her strength and
spoke. "Jareth? I need to talk to you..."
Instantly, the compassionate, understanding, yet completely sexy
goblin king was at her side. *As opposed to trying to get on her
front?* Immediately the girl reacted by bursting into tears. *I was
right!! She did have to right a stupid story!!!* He gently took one of
her hands in his soft gloved one, clasping it with the utmost
tenderness as his mysterious, mismatched eyes searched her unworthy
soul as he tried to figure out why the unworthy mortal had summoned
him-
********************************************************
"Wait a minute!!!"
"What? You're doing just fine. Keep going...it'll get easier as you
go."
"I seriously doubt that...Are you going to insist on belittling me
every chance you get *again*?!!!"
"You mean you're against character development? Call it exploring all
the areas of your personality..."
"I can think of a few areas of a certain king I'd like to
explore...with a fist..."
"You aren't typing..."
*****************************************************************
After crying buckets of humiliated tears *maybe she can use them to
drown herself in later when she realizes what a dork she is* Ziggy
finally quieted down enough to gather up enough courage to look the
faultless, flawless, impeccable, absolute, stainless, taintless,
unblemished, immaculate *Jareth, you can stop reading all the different
words for perfection from my thesaurus!!!!* goblin king. *You mean
there's a NOUN in that sentence!!!?*
"Oh your highness...I've done something simply horrid!!! Something so
awful, that I can barely bring myself to admit to it!!!" *I've written
a stupid story!!!*
"My dear," the king urged in a musical voice that oozed understanding,
*excuse me while I try to refrain from laughing!!!* "You know that I'll
help you in whatever way that I can, but first you have to tell me why
you're so upset!!" *Because you're making me write this!!!*
Nearly choking on guilt, the girl finally spoke. "I...I...I had
relations with another...someone so completely unworthy that I cannot
stand to say his name-"
*******************************************************************
"What is THAT!!!?" I shrieked, nearly spilling pepto in my lap.
"What? It's how you should have reacted!!
"Stop trying to look innocent!! It doesn't work on you! And don't you
DARE bring Luke into this!!!"
"Sorry, love, but he came into this when you brought him into your-"
"Don't finish that!!!" I snarled, quickly starting to type so I
wouldn't have to hear him finish that sentence...
**********************************************************************
"What are you talking about?" Jareth whispered in shock. He wasn't
used to being betrayed, the faithful, loving, completely wonderful man
that he was. *I'm on bottle number seven of pepto right now...*
"I know he isn't worthy!! He's a cruel, seductive man and I just
couldn't resist his cunning!!" she wailed.
The indefective, infallible, goblin king that was beyond all praise
was mortified. *That makes two of us...* "You mean...you had relations
with..."
"Yes!! The farm boy you warned me about!!" she persisted, driving a
knife of agony right through the king's very soul. *That would be a lot
more fun than writing this, I can assure you!!!* "I was a stupid,
foolish person, and I can't believe I even let him touch me!! He isn't
anything compared to you...you're so...so...perfect!!!" *Funny, a
completely different description comes to my mind right now...* "I
can't believe I'm lucky enough to know you!!!" she cooed. *Cooed? What
am I, a pigeon?!* "Let me assure you that he is NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL
*Oh Luke forgive me!!!* and I'll burn everything that I own that bears
his image and replace them all with your utterly sexy, intoxicating
face!" she proclaimed, reaching a hand to lightly brush against the
gorgeous man's snow white cheek in the only gesture of comfort she
could manage at the moment, knowing that she had might have just
crushed him beyond repair. *until he finds some other listian to lay*
Finally, he brought his exemplary eyes back to hers.
"I forgive you..." he whispered, knowing that if he didn't, she might
just do something horrible in retribution. *like write something like
this...* After all, she didn't possess the restraint or a soul of
utmost unadultered purity like he did. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!* "At
least you realize your mistake and you'll stay away from him from now
on..." he sighed, making himself look at her less than desirable form.
*JARETH!!!!* "You're being too hard on yourself...we all make
mistakes..."
"Except for you, Jareth!!" she interrupted, insolent thing that she
was. "You are definitely the archetype of what all men should strive to
be, the peak of perfection, the summit of greatness, the paragon, the
quintessence, the very model of what perfection can only strive to
be!!!" Forget pepto...I need liquor and I need it now!!!* He flashed
his pristine teeth in response and chuckled, a sound that made the mere
mortal quiver in delight. *Quiver? So now I'm not a pigeon, I'm a glob
of Jell-o...*
"Well, maybe," he admitted, brushing a strand of golden hair that
outshined even the sun itself out of his eyes, an act that nearly
caused the poor girl to melt from sheer overload. "But you need to get
your mind off this...you need something to take your mind off of the
damage that the unmentionable one has done to you..." Immediately she
began to conform to his body, her corrupted mind taking the wrong
meaning of his words...
****************************************************************
"THAT IS NOT FUNNY!!!!"
"What? That's what you want to do, admit it!!"
"Uh-huh...Okay, you had your fun! You got your jabs at Luke in-"
"Don't say *that* name!!!"
"Luke Luke Luke Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuke!!!!!!!"
"Just for that, you're going to keep writing!!!"
"Where's the thesaurus?"
"You mean you're out of descriptions for me already?"
"No, I want to beat myself senseless with it before this story gets
much worse..."
********************************************************************
The chaste-minded goblin king *SAY WHAT!!!!!?* immediately ripped
himself away from the girl who was obviously trying to show him what
she had learned from the no-good farm boy, shocked that she would do
anything of the sort when there wasn't a wedding ring on her finger.
*these roles seem somewhat reversed...*
"Dear!! I didn't mean *that*!!! I wouldn't dream of robbing you of
your integrity, unlike that horrid pervert that got hold of
you...*Bottle number twelve of pepto...* "I just thought you might
like to go with me to the Undergrounds Zoo...it would be something to
calm your mind and take your thoughts away from the treachery you
committed." Stricken, Ziggy nodded, knowing deep down that no matter
how hard she tried, no matter how much makeup she wore, no matter what
she did, that she just would never be good enough for the goblin king.
*I know Dad keeps a jug of communion wine around here somewhere...*
Taking her rough, scratched hand in his gentle, spotless one that was
covered only by the best leather *except when he's using it on a
minor*, the goblin king gestured and soon they were both consumed in a
flash of light...
**********************************************************************
"Don't you dare hit that save button yet!!!"
"What? I'm done...that's more than enough!!!!"
"And is that what you said to your farm boy after three minutes of his
attempts
at-"
"SHUT UP!!!! I'm typing, I'm typing!!!!"
"I knew you'd see it my way..."
*******************************************************************
Moments later, due to the extreme capacity of Jareth's magic, both
appeared at the entrance to the Underground Zoo, an establishment that
made its earthly counterparts seem dingy and not worth the effort of
visiting, just as Jareth made Ziggy look completely ridiculous in the
magical realm. *I'm going to need therapy by time this is done, I know
it...* Ziggy paid the admission for both of them eagerly; after all,
she wouldn't want the goblin king to waste a few dollars on someone
like her!!! *I wonder if flinging yourself out a window is really all
that over-rated...*
"What shall we see first, hmmm?" the glorious goblin king asked with
that remarkably deep and pleasurable voice of his.
"Whatever you want to see, Jareth!!!" the listian replied, gazing up
at the king with loving eyes, though she knew that what she really
wanted to see would never be approved by the monarch. *You know the
desperate screams at the end of "I Can't Read" on Tin Machine? That's
what I sound like about now...*
"All right, then! Let's go see the elfin orangatangs...they're a sort
of mixed breed between a primate and Fae."
"Oh, Jareth!! You're so brilliant!!!" Ziggy gushed, knowing she was
entirely fortunate to be allowed in the king's presence, let alone get
to spend time with him. *Right now all I want is some quality time with
him, me, and a big stick.* Soon, they were standing in front of the
complex that housed the animals, Jareth shielding the mere mortal from
the withering glances of other Fae that wondered why the goblin king
would dare to bring someone to their realm that stood out like a
sebaceous cyst. *I wish he'd stop trying to look smart by using that
dictionary...it looks thicker than the thesaurus...maybe I ought to try
putting myself out of my misery with that, instead...* He merely
returned their glares; after all, it was his sacred duty to befriend
those that just weren't usually worth his time...
*********************************************************************
"TIME OUT!!! WILL YOU *STOP* THAT!!!!!?"
"What?"
"What do you mean 'what'?!!! You don't have to insult me at every
other sentence!!!"
"But it works so well!!!"
"Grrrrrrrrrr....."
************************************************************************
"Aren't they cute?!!" Ziggy giggled at the purple-skinned primates
that swung and frolicked in the enclosed area. Not thinking, she began
to move closer, in order to get a better look....
"Wait! You might not want to do that..." *Yeah, with J's ideas, I'll
be a smudge on the floor by time this is done...* Jareth cried, his
sexy voice going slightly husky at the thought of what might happen to
the charge he had taken under his considerate wings of selfless
devotion...*Does that even make sense!!!!?*
"It's okay!!!" she scoffed, ignoring his pleas for her to return to
his side. *Isn't that what other listians do with him during other
circumstances?* As everyone knows, the elfin orangatang loves overly
ripe peaches and often uses them to express its opinions of those
around them...
******************************************************
"JARETH!!!!!"
"What now?"
"Stop laughing!!! It's enough that I'm being humiliated in every other
sentence by this story, do you have to abuse me physically, too?!!!"
"You know you want me too..."
"NOT LIKE THAT, MORON!!!"
"Just keep writing and soon it will all be over...Oh, now stop
whimpering, dear!! The best is yet to come..."
**************************************************************
The silly girl shrieked in surprise as the creatures began to pelt
her with the sticky fruit. *How did I know this was coming?* The dear
goblin king walked forward in an attempt to shield her, but Ziggy would
never forgive herself if she let him get soiled. *I'd rather see him
get a black eye at the moment...* After a few moments, even the animals
got bored with the human and she was left to be mocked and laughed at
by the gathered Fae. *Who wondered why the heck she was wasting her
time with a such a cheap date!!!* Jareth shook his head sadly as he led
the girl out of the building and back on the path.
"I'm sorry, Jareth!! When will I ever learn to just listen to you!!!"
*No time soon in this story, kid!!*
"It's all right, dear...you just have much more limitations than the
rest of us..." *I *know* that wine has to be around here somewhere!!!!
Maybe pepto will have the same effect if I chug it...* "Come on! Let's
see what else we can find...unless you're too tired?" the
ever-courteous goblin king asked, raising an eloquent eyebrow that not
even Michelangelo could ever begin to replicate in a piece of art. *oh,
brother....*
They walked to where the Labyrinthian Panther lived, in a deep pit
just off the path. A majestic animal of midnight blue coloring and a
viscious temperment *that latter part sounds like me about now...* it
is nothing to be fooled with, unless you are an insignificant, ignorant
mortal, *And let me guess who is in this story...* like Ziggy. *What do
you know!!? I was right!!!*
"Wow...he's beautiful...though not as completely pleasing to look at
as you," she added quickly, glancing at Jareth before leaning over the
protective railing to gaze at the beast down below. It's tail flicked
lazily in the Underground sun, and when it yawned it revealed enourmous
fangs.
"You shouldn't let how it's acting now fool you," Jareth cautioned,
not liking how far over the fence Ziggy was leaning one bit. "It has
reflexes faster than lightning and is stronger than anything I know
of!!! *except his ego*
"It's okay! It's just a big puddy tat...." she purred, waving to the
panther who was looking at her like she was a total moron, which wasn't
far from the truth. *WHAT??!?!?!!?!!* "Aren't you a big puddy tat?!"
*If I ever spoke like that to my cat, he'd never forgive me...*
Unfortunately, she leaned just a little too far and plummeted down into
the pit where the now intrigued panther lay in wait, ready to pounce.
*Sounds like Jareth when confronting a listian in pajamas.*
Ziggy trembled in fear as the beast growled low in its throat and
began to circle the girl, coming closer and closer, ready to take its
afternoon snack early. With a terrible roar it lunged, but suddenly
halted in midair as Jareth magically appeared between the two.
Surprised, the cat backed down immediately, for even a Labyrinthian
panther won't mess with the goblin king. *too bad...I wonder if it can
be bribed* Her breath coming in unsteady gasps, Ziggy couldn't move for
she was frozen by the sheer terror of it all. *yeah, this story is
turning out to be really scary...Scary in the fact that I'm actually
writing it!!* Turning towards the girl, Jareth gathered her in his arms
and transported them back to the path.
"Are you all right? Speak to me!!!" *I have some choice words for him
right now...* the ever-impressive, always well-dressed, irreproachable
Jareth asked quietly.
"Yes...but...but...your tights got torn in the process of saving my
life!!! You should have just left me there!!! I didn't mean to cost you
that much!!!!" *They were only a buck fifty on sale at K-mart, I
bet...* she managed, her voice trembling with the horror and agony of
it all. *I'm trembling at the horror and agony of the discriptions!!!*
"Maybe we'd better go...the last thing I want is for you to be hurt or
embarrassed any more than you have been!!" *Sure...* the always-kind
Jareth offered before transporting them back to her room. She finally
was able to compose herself under the king's gentle, beautiful stare
that almost made her writhe with the pure pleasure of the profound
experience of gazing into the unfathomable depths of his eyes...*Since
when am I writing stuff that resembles a really bad harlequin romance?*
"Is there anything else I can do that can help you to forget the
horrible act you've committed?" Jareth asked carefully, not really
wanting to bring the subject up again *Uh-huh, whatever...*
"Well...there is one thing..."
****************************************************************
"JARETH I AM NOT WRITING THAT!!!!"
"It's not that bad!!! It fits!!"
"IT DOES NOT!!!! Can't I at least have a little self-respect?"
"Not in this story, love..."
"I HATE that grin!!!!"
*********************************************************
Taking a deep breath, the girl spoke what she most desired to take the
pain of her insurrection away. *For what it's worth, I had better get
loads of comments* "Take me now, Jareth!!! Take away my pain and guilt
the way only you can!! Make love to me until I absolutely can't stand
it any longer!!! Make me forget about that wretched farm boy and make
me know what it is that makes a king great!!!" *I cannot believe I'm
writing this...I can hear my dignity as a writer flying out the window
at this moment...*
Jareth tsked in pity for the poor girl that he knew needed something,
maybe a good therapist *yep, there it goes, flapping out across the
horizon right now!!!*, but he just couldn't give her what she kept
trying to take from him. *Excuse ME!!!?* "Dear, you have to understand
that I just can't let you harm yourself this way...you'll just have to
let the pain dull on it's own, without a few hours of intense pleasure
and my company to help you through. *Somehow I think I'll live...* She
whimpered in total defeat, knowing that the relief she needed and
longed for would never come...*You mean this thing isn't gonna end!!!?*
Feeling his heart tug with compassion for the listian, *I wonder if it
would tug him out of my room!!!* Jareth reached down and lightly pecked
her on the cheek and she promptly fainted from the overload of emotions
that the magical, indescribable pleasure of the gesture welled up
within her. *oh gag me...* Gazing over the listian to make sure she was
all right *More like making sure she wasn't in a position to sue for
harassment!!!*, Jareth conjured a crystal that was almost as beautiful
as he was *I hope I can make it through this...* and disappeared in a
flash of brilliant light.
****************************************************************
"No more...NO MORE!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!! IF YOU WANT AN APOLOGY,
FINE, I'M SORRY YOU'RE JEALOUS!!!!"
"Do you want to write a third installment?"
"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT...I'M SORRY!!!! THERE, I SAID IT!!! NOW AM I
DONE!!!!!?"
"And you won't have romantic relations with that...farm boy ever
again?"
The following statement would have been so unrefined that it wouldn't
have made it onto the Jerry Springer Show, so I have removed it from
this text as a gesture of respect to my reading audience.
"Good lord!! And you're a pastor's daughter...I love a woman that has
a dual persona..."
"Very funny...this is too much!!!"
"See, that little escapade with farm boy wasn't worth it now, was it?"
I felt a huge grin come at his words. "Oh it was worth it...believe
me, it was worth it!!!"
"Maybe I'll have to find some activities to keep you busy until you
forget about that...that..."
"Jareth...just tell me what you want and leave!!!"
"Well..."
"NOT THAT!!!"
"All right, all right...you're no fun...I've composed a list of things
you can do to make this little incident up to me..." I took the
parchment from him and raised an eyebrow as I read.
"Community service? AGAIN!!!? Walking Ambrosious...I can handle
that...telling stories to young goblins...that I'll live
through....highway clean up again...figures...fumigating goblin city?
You're pushing it...ACTING AS YOUR OFFICIAL COMPLIMENTOR!!!!?" My
astonished reaction put an immediate grin on his Royal Tightness's
face.
"From now until I see fit, you will intervene and compliment me in any
visitations and round robins where listians dare to make fun of me or
refuse to treat me accordingly...you're just so good at it!!" I tried
to restrain myself, really I did, and settled for picturing what might
happen if I shoved my lightsaber up his nose and ignited it...
"And instead of anger management classes, this time you'll be
participating in a little thing called "Overcoming your Obsession with
a Useless Series...or How to Forget about Star Wars..."
"WHAT?!?!?!!?!?!?"
"It's just a few classes...it'll do you some good!"
"Luke, Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gon are so going to kill you..." I muttered,
grinning at the thought. "Not to mention what Chewie'll do..."
"They won't know, darling...they've been keeping away from the
labyrinth, just like in our agreement! They can share the Underground,
but not the labyrinth, so they'll have no idea what you're doing for
me...Speaking of that, there's another little thing you could do..."
"JARETH!!!!"
"Um...okay...I can see you're still coming to terms with this so I'll
just leave you alone for now...I expect to see you at the castle first
thing in the morning, though!!" he added, chuckling triumphantly as he
vanished. I moaned and pulled myself out of my chair, knocking all
twenty-four empty pepto bottles out of my way. "By the way...that pink
mustache is just adorable on you..." I glared at the air as I stomped
to my room and fell onto my bed, the horror of what I had to do to get
the king to forget about all this just starting to sink in as I stared
at my Luke stand-up.
"How do I get myself *into* these situations!!!!?"