Title: Puss in Tights

 Fandom: Labyrinth

 Parts: one

 Rating: PG

 Disclaimer: I don't own labyrinth or bowie or anything to do with either

 Summary: a retelling of puss in boots, labyrinth style

            Once upon a time in the land of Glamthere was a girl named Ziggy. Besides adoring the music of the land of Glam, Ziggy was a talented performer and singer. True, she could do most styles and loved the more modern hymns of her country, but she also had a passion for classical music. So she decided she would earn her living as a travelling minstrel. She was the daughter of a rather normal family…well, sort of, oh, never mind that part. She was a faithful and loyal subject of the ruler of that land, the Baron of Bowie. Ziggy did have the habit to be a little over-zealous about some things, though, and her father thought she was quite odd. He became quite concerned when she had memorized everything she could about the Baron of Bowie….someone that he could not stand. In a fit of inspiration he sent her to the

neighboring country of Mundane to see if he could rid her of her weirdness.

            Her sister gave her the family cat, Sammuel Whiskers to keep her company on the trip. So the girl and the cat set out with a few sacks of necessities and a song. Along the way she came to a river and stopped to rest. As always, she sang, opting for an Italian piece by Handel. That afternoon the Duke of Dull and his wife and son, the Baron of Boring were out riding, watching over the countryside.

They heard Ziggy's song and thinking she was like the girls of their land they immediately decided that she should wed their son. Ziggy was a bit confused by all this and really didn't want to accept, but they wouldn't take no for an answer. The duchess also enjoyed the challenge of "normalising" the minstrel. So she and her cat were taken to the castle, and only Sammy saw the owl in the trees, watching.

            That night the girl attended a ball to welcome her to the country. Thinking how fun it would be, she dressed in her most normal garb…bright saphire velvet gown with a triangular rhinestone belt with the design of two swans, and black platformish heels. She tried to dance with the baron, but the people of Mundane were not exactly the same as those of Glam. They found her dancing skills frightful as she tried to show them the latest steps. Seeing the problem, she tried to adjust to a more normal frame of mind, but they didn't seem to like Celtic clogging, either (yes, I actually know a little - woo-hoo, Riverdance, look out!). The Duchess was terribly embarrassed and sent the poor minstrel to her room.

            "That's it, let me outta here!" Ziggy muttered, tying her sheets together and taking her cat, she climbed out the window and started to walk through the woods. She knew she was quite different from most, but she enjoyed it, and refused to change for anyone. Sighing, she plopped down on a fallen tree and looked at Sammy.

            "Now what are we gonna do? Can't go back home, really don't wanna stay here…ugh, why would I wanna marry that dork, anyway?" The cat was much too occupied with stalking the sounds of the

night, though. He had been an indoor cat and all this open space was new to him. He loved birds, so when he saw the owl flying into the forest he gave chase, leaving his mistress to ponder the cosmic make-up of the universe (I now think it's glittery silver eyeshadow). He met the owl in a small clearing, stopping to stare at it with wide eyes. A short time later two identical cats emerged, one went off back to the land of Glam, and the other went back to minstrel Ziggy who had now started to look for the cat. She hadn't gotten very far when one of her heels caught on the fallen tree, and she fell to the ground, stuck in a very uncomfortable position.

            "Well, milady, how do you plan to get out of that uncomfortable predicament?" the cat said softly, his voice mellodious.

            "Since when do you talk?!" she asked, then caught herself. "Sorry, just taken by surprise. Go ahead, at least I know I'll have someone to talk to." She watched as the cat crawled over the trunk and lifted the branch that pinned her leg. "Thanks, that's much better."

            "Your welcome, milady. But what is the matter…not happy with your husband-to-be?" he purred, watching her intently.

            "Oh, brother. That twit? His idea of fun is one lousy game of Scrabble…and he even won't let me use weird words! Of course I don't want to marry him…I don't care if I'm attached or not, but

if I ever did marry, it would be someone who could appreciate me and my talents…not try and change me! Now then, what can I do to thank you for freeing me?" She sat cross-legged on the ground and stared at her pet with amused brown-green eyes.

            "Hmm…I'll have to give it some thought…but first things first. What's that over there?" He gestured to a corner of the woods. Ziggy walked over and followed the gleam of the sphere which suddenly wasn't a sphere but something of a quite different shape.

            "An electric guitar!" she cried, delighted. "But I don't know how to play!"

            "It's magic…you don't have to know how…go on, try it!" he urged. Shrugging, she picked it up and strummed one of the Baron of Bowie's songs. Suddenly, the Duke of Dull came riding up.

            "There you are! We've been looking everywhere! Come on, then, and bring your cat and that -contraption- with you!" he ordered. Siighing, the girl followed.

            Later that evening she sat on her bed, sewing. "I'm not sure if these are the right size…the only clothes I've made this small are for puppets, not living creatures, but if this is what you want…" She held up the small pair of greyish tights. The cat nodded in approval and slipped them on.

           "Much better…now then, we've got to think of what to do next." He was about to continue when he was interrupted by the shrieks of a townsperson. Concerned for the town, Ziggy ran downstairs to the throne room to see what was what.

            "What's up?" she asked, noting how the Duchess stared in disapproval at her choice of wording.

            "The problem is that the Goblin King has been spotted in the town…heaven knows how many children he'll abduct this time…and would you get that mangy beast away from me!" the Duchess sneezed, for she was allergic to cats. Ziggy shrugged and stroked the cat between his ears, causing him to purr with contentment.

              "You mean he just goes into town and steals kids?"

               "Of course not!" The Baron of Boredom said to his fiancé, trying to be patient. "They have to be wished away first, but that scoundrel has caused us enough trouble!"

             "Well, if he's asked to take them then it really isn't his fault!" Ziggy stated angrily. The cat in her arms snuggled against her at that statement.

            "It's not just that…he seduces our girls and he wears make-up for crying out loud! He's a total freak!"

            "Hey! That’s not right…just cause he's different…maybe he likes wearing make-up…and did you ever ask those girls if they liked being seduced?" She knew she was on dangerous territory, but she couldn't resist.

            "How dare you…you'll have to shape up before you become duchess…and why is that cat wearing tights?" the Baron asked, looking at her as if she were nuts.

            "What, wrong color? He wanted me to make them for him."

            "Right…lord, they're much too small at least…either that or we're going to have to get that cat neutered." At that statement, the cat hissed at the baron, scaring him out of his wits because the young man really wasn't very valiant, just full of hot air. Rolling her eyes, Ziggy went back up to her room to sleep.

            A few days later there was another ball. After a day of many lessons in manners and being normal, the minstrel retreated up to her room to get ready. "So now they decide I'm presentable, huh? It would serve them right to have their kids spirited away!" She sighed, not knowing what to wear. Her other dress had been taken from her, and she really didn't want to wear the plain white gown the duchess had selected.

            "Milady, how about this ensemble?" the cat asked, nudging a dress on the bed that hadn't been there five seconds earlier. It was a long purple sleeveless evening gown with dark purple glittering lace over the bodice. To go with it were black leather heels and a purple feather boa. With a little nail polish and jewelry, the look would be complete.

            "Oh, that is fantastic! Where in the world did it come from…oh, never mind! Wow!" she exclaimed as she began to change. She paused when she saw that her cat was watching her intensely…-did he just lick his lips?- She quickly turned around and finished dressing. Plucking her guitar from the corner she made her way downstairs.

            That ball was a total disaster. First of all, the Baron refused to dance with her, so she decided to teach the Duke to dance instead, much to the amusement of the gathered nobles. Then the Duke asked for her to provide music, thinking of how beautifully she had done the Italian piece. Shrugging, she sang "Turn Back, Oh, Man," complete with a boa dance (I've done that too for a cabaret night…shocked the hell out of my high school director!). Then she picked up the guitar and began to sing the songs of the Baron of Bowie…the people of Mundane were quite shocked. "Who is this girl…What in the world is she doing…Why in the world is the Duke allowing her to get near his son?" were just some of the things asked. The final straw came when she began to demonstrate the electric bj with the help of one of the pages who actually was having fun with the new music. The duchess yanked her up and dragged her to her room.

            "I am getting really tired of that!" the minstrel muttered.

            That night, while Ziggy was asleep, it turned out that the Goblin King abducted more children. In the morning she had wondered where her cat had gotten to, but he climbed back through a window before she could worry too much. The Duke and Duchess were quite talkative at breakfast before Ziggy

came down. They decided the best thing to do would be to send the girl to get rid of the Goblin King…if she destroyed him, so much the better and if he got rid of her…well, at least they wouldn't have to put up with all that blasted noise! Soon after, Ziggy made her entrance.

            "Oh, hiya guys…didn't know you were up!" Well, that was what she meant. Not being an early riser, all she could muster was "Aaarrrghmmmppphhh."

            The Duchess had refused to call the girl Ziggy, she didn't even like her given name, much to the girl's disappointment. So she had renamed her Swanhilda, much to the girl's disgust. "My dear, we have decided to have you get rid of the Goblin King. He appears in some of the same spots so tomorrow you shall seek him out and destroy him." The duchess looked very proud of herself.

            Ziggy was quite appalled at the thought. She had never even met the man…why should she want to get rid of him? And she had a good guess as to why it was her and not the castle guards who were being asked to do the job. But she was bored, and not having anything else to do except listen

to the Baron talk about his paperclip collection, she agreed.

            Later that day she stood in the courtyard, practicing her archery, using the strings of her guitar for a bow. The cat looked on, and gulped as he saw how accurate her aim was.

            "Do you really want to go through with this?" he asked apprehensively.

            "Nope…this is just for show to keep their royal dullnesses happy…I plan to bargain with the guy, if I can actually find him."

            "I think I'll be able to help with that…" the cat said, laying down contentedly in the sun.

            The next day the minstrel headed out, escorted by the family to where the king had been seen the night before when he had answered yet another call. This time, though, it was personal, because the Baron was sure he had taken his paperclip collection, just to be cruel. Ziggy stood in front of the empty restaurant where the king was known to frequent occasionally. "How do I know he's even in there?" she asked the Duke, raising an eyebrow.

            "Just go in and see! And watch those arrows!" he yelped as she "accidentally" stuck him in the rear.

            "Sorry! Gee, these are slippery little buggers! Okay, okay, I'm going, I'm going." She sighed and examined her attire. Black velvet pants, silver shirt, brown leather waistcoat, black and silver platforms. Perfect. She was about to go in when she noticed that her cat wasn't by her side. - Hmmm, wonder where he got to. Oh, well, time to do my job!- she thought, ignoring the Duke's comment about how she should be able to get rid of the king instantly with her songs from Glam. She quietly entered the building, trying to forget the tales the Baron had told her the night before. Supposedly, the king could take any shape and was very powerful. But, she hadn't let things like that stop her before, like her math teachers, so she figured it wouldn't hurt to have a look.

            She was quite surprised to find a white owl waiting for her. "Uh, are you the Goblin King I'm supposed to meet here?" she asked, suddenly unsure.

            "None other. Now then, what can I do for you?"

            "Well, I, uh, I really don't have any complaints, but those folks out there want you out. They seem to think you're some kind of weirdo…"

            "And do you have the same accusations?"

            "Heck no! I mean, look at me! I'd rather get away from those boring morons than do their dirty work…I have a feeling this is a set up to get rid of me, though."

            "I wouldn't be surprised."

            Ziggy paused for a moment, suddenly curious. "Do you really do all those things they say?"

            "What, change children into goblins? That's just my job. As far as seducing young women-"

            "Please, if that were a heinous crime then three-fourths of the male population would be put away!" At that remark the owl gave an expression that resembled a smile. "No, I mean, do you really change shapes?"

            "Of course, I am magic after all. What would you like me to turn into?"

            "I don't know…I'm used to talking to cats, I guess, so…" Her eyes widened as he shape-shifted and she suddenly recognized the form in front of her. The cat that had kept her company for the past few days.

            "You…but you're not Sammy!"

            "No, I met him in the woods when you tried to run away…I bribed him into going back to Glam…he should be enjoying a life-time supply of tuna by now." The cat licked a paw in satisfaction. Ziggy tried to keep her temper from welling up…she hated to be played like that.

            "Look, I don't know what you're trying to pull, but…"

            "But what? Do you really want to marry the Baron? I believe you gave me your answer a few days ago." He stared at her quietly, knowing this was the moment of truth. Slowly she reached back and took all her arrows from her quiver. The cat's eyes widened as she took aim….and suddenly turned,

sending all of the projectiles hurtling into the wall.

            Turning back, she sighed and said, "You're right…I couldn't hurt you anyway…you've helped me, and besides, like I said, I have no reason to complain against ya." She stared at the cat for a few moments.

            "Well then…what are we going to do?"

            "For once I don't know." She murmured, realizing that this being was one of the few she had met in the last few days who hadn't tried to change her on sight. She absently plucked at her guitar before setting it down, and sitting down beside it. It just wasn't right…she didn't like that Baron of Boredom guy, and she didn't like being thought a freak…at that she perked up at a memory.

            "Do you really wear make-up like they say? Are you really that different of a dresser?" Maybe it would make her feel better to see someone that was as different as she was.

            "Are you asking to see me face to face?" the cat asked, amused.

            "I guess so. I really don't want to go back out there!" She looked down at her guitar in frustration, then back up at the man who suddenly faced her. Her eyes widened and she yelped in surprise and delight. He was the first "normal" person she had seen in days! "Finally! Someone I can

relate to!" The king laughed gently as he helped the minstrel to her feet. "Oh, yeah, are you really just called Goblin King, or is it a crime to say your name or what?" she asked.

            "You may call me Jareth…and the feeling is mutual…you have no idea how dull some of these townsgirls can be! Their idea of seduction is mere ballroom dancing! By the way, love the coat!" he smiled at her leather waistcoat.

            "Thank you…Jareth…then you can call me Selah, or Ziggy, anything but Swanhilda!" She rolled her eyes. " We still have a problem, though…what am I going to do about them?" she gestured behind her towards the doorway. "I really don't want to go outside and face them!"

            The king grinned down at Ziggy, wrapping his arms about her waist. "Then may I suggest we stay in here?" he asked, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

            Outside the party waited impatiently. "She should be done by now! Or gone…what is going on in there!?" the Duke practically yelled. Suddenly, there came the thunk of arrows hitting a target…and a surprised yelp. The Duchess looked at her son and husband, recognizing the voice.

            "Well, at least we won't have to deal with all that noise! Come on, we might as well have a look!" The Duchess rushed inside…and promptly cried out in shock. The others followed, only to see the arrows stuck in the wall and two leather-jacketed figures engaged in a fierce lip-lock.

            "What is the meaning of this?!" the Baron bellowed, then hid behind his mother at the look the king gave him.

            "Oh, uh, sorry guys, but I think the engagements off! I have some pressing business elsewhere! Later!" Ziggy replied, smiling. With that the two figures disappeared, leaving the family to wonder just what had happened.

            And so the land of Mundane stayed the same until it was captured by the land of Glam, whose members felt that it was their sacred duty to spice up the dull country. And Sammy? He still lives with his mistress and other family members, sunning himself in the window and dining on tuna.

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