Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Bah...So, just slightly stressed out. But only slightly. Last night I thought I was going to explode I was so..I was in a funk. But, Ash and I wandered around outside and it was good. It's what I needed. Ever get that way? Where you can't breathe so you have to get outside. And then all is better because oxygen starts flowing again. Oh yeah. That's what it's like. And I don't like it. I hate being stressed. And, yeah, it was mostly about school and school related things. Want some examples?

Money. I wish I was a trust fund baby. I complain about this a lot, and I feel kinda bad. But it sucks. And right now my mom is freakin' out a bit because she is having trouble coming up with money to pay for school. So she's telling me things like, "if we don't find something soon they'll kick you out of school", yeah, like I want to hear that. Thanks ma, that's going to help. And I'm trying to help. I'm trying to get a job. But it's not my fault that no one apparently wants to hire a college kid who needs the breaks off and only has experience as a ticket/gate agent. Gar. I should just suck it up and go out to the Ithaca airport and see if they'll hire me. (Doubtful though. They're smaller than our airport.) My mom wants me to go back to work at the airport when I go home for Christmas. That would be awesome, but, I don't know. I just don't want to. I should just suck it up and deal. It's good money, and I get yelled at when stupid people miss their plane because they think they can arrive ten minutes before departure and be okay. It's fun. ^_^ And I do like the people (most of them) who work at the airport. And we have fun making fun of all the rich people in their ugly fur coats. Perhaps I will.

Also, grades and classes and such. Wow. I really don't want to talk about it. Um, yeah. I mean, I just checked them today and I'm not failing or anything (the gods must really like me), but I just wish I was doing better. And I wish I had enough self discipline and concentration to study every day and do my homework every day. Sometimes I think that if I drop signing (the silent lunches every other Saturday, the club, the silent events) it would help with my classes. But I don't want to do that. I love signing. I wish I didn't have those thoughts. I'm not giving it up.

My procrastination...oh my. I really hit an all time low this week in procrastination. That essay I wrote in under 30 minutes before it was due. Yeah. That is rock bottom. God I hope I don't reach for the shovel.

London and majors and minors and things...So I talked to my adviser. She is no help. I'm sure she is if I ask the right questions, but since I will only ask the questions I want answers to, she's useless. We talked about me going to London all year next year. She's never heard of anyone doing a full year there. (Apparently no one else in the writing department has either: She took the liberty to shout out to everyone who passed (we were in the hall to keep her plants company...don't ask) and they all looked shocked that I wanted to go a whole year and have never heard of anyone going for a full year. The place does exist year round, right? That's what I've heard...) So then I looked more into it and I will most definitely have to drop my minor. Which sucks. But, I want London. My other major...I may be able to work with that. It'll be incredibly tricky though. I don't want to drop philosophy/religion. No. To me, that is set in stone. (Though stone has been known to crumble.) I think I'm going to make an appointment with McKenna and see what he thinks. Hopefully he'll actually have something helpful.

My essay...I have to re write it. Oops. I figured I would. I'll post it later, 'cause it makes a good scene (it's about my tongue getting pierced), but not a good essay. And I know this. So I wasn't really that shocked or appalled when my teacher told me this. I completely agree. It just sucks because I'm a wimp who doesn't want to write anything else. But, I am forced to. Possibly about my brother. (She wanted me to write either about him, or...something else which I wrote a thingie on when we had to write a thingie on splits of ourselves, but I don't want to write about that...not yet.)

And and...just, some people stress me out. And I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I was over stressing due to one person (or whatever), but unfortunately I'm not. I wish I was. I wish I could just get past it. I tell myself I'm over it, but I'm not. I hate lying to myself. It's no good for anyone. One day I want to stop lying too. But then I wouldn't be half as interesting. But then maybe I'd be less stressed. Yes. I bet I would.

I don't like stress.

Yeah. I'm studying for philosophy right now. And...I wish I didn't skip it. I really am wishing I didn't skip it...twice. >.< Arg. Oh well, you live you learn you die. Right? Right.

Okay, back to philosophy. Enough procrastination for amanda.

...Humbug.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Shocker! I'm actually updating this. It's been a while, I know. I will attempt to devote more time and attention to this...for the, what? small small handful of you who may actually still read this? I just felt bad because it sits here all alone. And I love that picture (Snog!). So I couldn't stand it just sitting here with nothing. So, yes.

Um, quick update on life: back at IC. Was considering a stay in Colorado instead of coming back, but obviously that changed. Nope. Still don't want to get into it. (Still a bit irked at my family for that. Though I guess I shouldn't be, because I'm happy (or as close as I can be) here.) And...yes. Um, I fear for my academic life. I want to go to England more than anything in the world and am prepared to do what is needed. (Even if that means cracking more books and actually studying sometimes. Hell, I'll study every day if that's what it takes. I want London, and I will get what I want.) And...I don't know. I'm rooming with Ash this year. It's fun. Kate is living (practically) all the way across campus in a single, but it's good for us all to explore campus a bit. You know, actually go outside our buildings every once and a while. And...It's cold. But no snow yet. I miss snow. But the leaves are pretty. So it's holding me over for now. I feel sick. pleh. Um, I'm gonna stop now because I may have to go puke...or sleep or something. But I swear! more attention will be put into this. (I'm thinking of revamping it a bit...just thinking though.) Okay, done now.

After this...One year ago today, this was going on:

Thursday, October 16, 2003

So, I'm bored. Um...Let's see...Well, it is officially fall break. YAY!!! But everyone is gone. There are just a handful of us left in the dorm. Last night, we all hung out in Bessie's room, and that was about it. I'm bored. What else...Oh! I talked to Annie, Rosalie, and Elyse yesterday. That was cool. I haven't talked to them in just about forever, so yay!! Okay, I guess that is about it.
Oh, and Kate said she would help me redo my site, so it won't be so stupid. So hopefully that will be done soon. Okay, I'm done now.
***

That was the day that I bought my comfy pajama pants. I still have those...and they're still comfy. ^_^ (And it is fall break right now too. It started Thursday. And campus seems even emptier this time.)