Date:         Tue, 1 Aug 1995 10:36:45 -0300
From:         Maddog 
 
                            "The Hills are Alive"
                                by the Lurkers
 
                        'We're Lurkers - We Lurk In Corners -
                      We do our little thing in the bathroom.'
                          'That's background, you git.'
 
 
        "I have got a real treat for tonight!" Natalie called out as she
entered Nick's apartment.
        "You managed to score the Cadbury's with rum that you've been drooling
about for weeks?"  Nick joked as he eyed the bag Natalie was carrying.
        "Better than that, the laserdisk gold version of  'The Sound of Music'
with the extra footage of the original movie trailers and interviews with the
actors!  Not to mention a film short of a tour of Salzburg!"
        "The Sound of Music?  Is that a musical?"
        Dr. Lambert fixed him with a look of disgust she usually reserved for
bodies that had been floating in the lake for a few weeks during August.
"Of course its a musical!  Did you pick up the popcorn?"
        "Yeah, I'll toss it in the microwave,"  Nick busied himself with the nuking
of the corn particles and then joined Natalie on the couch.  She'd kicked
off her shoes and was curled up on the couch, holding the remove control
eagerly poised to play the disk.  The music swelled out of Nick's twenty
thousand dollar surround sound stereo system.  Julie Andrews danced on the
Austrian Alps.  Natalie Lambert danced on Nick's couch to the strains of
"the hills are alive with the sound of music".
 
***
 
        Lucian LaCroix fumbled for his keys as he climbed the steps to his
townhouse, searching through the pockets of his black leather jacket.
Normally he didn't have this much trouble with such mundane things as door
locks, but he was a little distracted by the package he was carrying tucked
under one arm.  He'd been waiting for it for months, calling the store every
week.  Finally it had arrived - he'd been out the door before the sun had set
and had still been smoking when he'd got to the store.
        He managed to get the door open and headed straight for the living room.
Reverently he placed the package on the coffee table.  He regarded it for a
moment then tore off the wrappings to reveal a large box.  "The Sound of
Music:  Special 25th Deluxe Edition Gold Laserdisk" read the label.
        LaCroix sighed in satisfaction.  He picked up the phone and called The
Raven.  Janette had been complaining she never did anything "fun" anymore
and he couldn't think of anything more fun than this.  Besides, he really
wanted someone to share this wonderful experience with.
        "Hello, Janette,"  he purred into the phone, "are you busy tonight?"
        "Ah, why?"  Janette was understandably wary.
        "Well, my package finally came in, the one I'd been waiting for and I'm
just about to put it in to the player and I thought it would be nice to have
some company, and -"  LaCroix realized he was babbling, but he'd been
waiting so long...
        "LaCroix!  What are you talking about?  Have you been drinking my special
vintage again?"
        "'The Sound of Music', Janette!  The edition with the footage of the
original movie trailers and interviews with the actors!  Not to mention a
film short of a tour of Salzburg!"
        "A movie?"  Janette said.  "You're going to watch a movie?"
        "Not just a movie - THE movie!  Would you like to come over and watch it
with me?"
        Janette had become very suspicious during this conversation and asked,
"What's it about?  Is it a musical?"
        "Yes, it's wonderful!"
        "Is Steven Seagal in it?"  Janette asked enthusiastically.  She had
pro-tapes of every Steven Seagal movie AND an autographed poster of him on
her refrigerator.  She loved the sound of arms breaking in his movies.
        "Who?"  LaCroix was puzzled, was Seagal one of the James Bonds?  "No, I
don't think so."
        "Mel Gibson?  Timothy Dalton?  Kenneth Branagh?  Keanu Reeves?"
        "Ah, no.  It has Christopher Plummer though."
        "Hmph,"  Janette was unimpressed.  "I don't think so, LaCroix.  But do
enjoy yourself."
        LaCroix put down the phone, momentarily disappointed that his favorite
daughter (okay, only daughter), wouldn't be joining him tonight.  Then again
she'd liked "Rocky Horror Picture Show" so her taste was definitely in
question.  But the sight of the gold-embossed laserdisk cover restored his
good spirits and he headed for the kitchen.  It was a special occasion so
only the best would do.
        "Ah, the AB negative, I think!"  He grabbed a couple of bottles and a
finely cut crystal wine glass.  Eyes alight with anticipation he slid the
disk into his player, stepped back and hit the remote.  The music swelled
out of LaCroix's forty thousand dollar surround sound system  (he never did
anything by halves).  Julie Andrews danced on the Austrian Alps.  Lucien
LaCroix waltzed around his living room, AB in one hand, ice bucket in the
other.
 
***
 
        "Is this movie about nuns?"  Nick wanted to know as the nuns currently
singing on his TV screen were making him decidedly uncomfortable.
        "No, its a love story,"  Natalie snapped, irritated by the interruption of
the song "How Do We Solve a Problem Like Maria?"
        "I thought nuns were celibate?"
        "She's not going to be a nun for very long,"  Natalie growled between
clenched teeth.  Here she was trying to expose the man to the best movie
ever made and he was nit-picking about details.
        "You want some more popcorn?"
        "Yes!"
        Natalie stared at the movie and enjoyed Maria running through Salzburg on
her way to the Von Trapp house.  There she would meet her one true love.
She sighed deeply, entranced by the delightfully romantic thoughts when Nick
shoved the popcorn on her lap.
        "Is this a long movie?"  Nick wanted to know.
        "Yes, its three laser disks long, now sit there and pay attention!  She's
about to meet Captain Von Trapp for the first time.  This is very
important!"  Natalie shoved some popcorn into her mouth and chewed on it at
critical points.
        Sensing his friend's irritation Nick focused on the movie.  So far he
didn't think very much of it.  This Von Trapp fellow seemed like a bit of
twit, what was this business with a whistle anyway?  Why did Natalie think
he was so wonderful?  He just yelled at everyone all the time.
 
***
 
        LaCroix took a deep draught of the AB negative blood and savored it before
swallowing.  Maria was looking around the ballroom in the Von Trapp house.
Captain Von Trapp was about to enter the room and yell at her.  It was their
first meeting, he really liked this bit.  Sitting back with a smile on his
face,  he enjoyed the next few scenes immensely.  The whistle idea of
Captain Von Trapp's always impressed him.  The man blew it and everybody
jumped.  That appealed to him.  He wished he'd thought of it and trained
Nick and Janette that way.  It might have saved a lot of problems with Nick
later.   He admired Maria as well, she could make the entire family break
down into tears of guilt with just a few well placed sentences.  Now that
was power.
 
***
 
        On screen the Von Trapp children learned do, re, mi.  Off screen Natalie
sang along with the obnoxious little tune and Nick wondered if this entire
movie was going to be one saccharine sweet scene after another.  That bit
with the pine cone was just so fake.  And the thunderstorm scene?  In one
night those children felt comfortable enough to go to this strange woman and
hang out in her bed?  Natalie thought this was the greatest movie ever made?
It didn't deserve to be a preview before the greatest movie ever made, which
of course was 'Casablanca'.  Now there was a love story for you, doomed from
the start.  Natalie obviously had no taste where movies were concerned.  Of
course he should have suspected that when she forced him to watch 'The
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' movie.  Maybe all women had no taste in
movies, he wondered.  The last time he had gone with Janette to a movie she
made him go see something called  'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure' just
because of some skinny young guy called Kenu something or other.  Of course
the historical figures were interesting but he'd felt decidedly
uncomfortable when they'd done the Joan of Arc bit.  Joan would never have
done aerobics, it simply wasn't dignified.
        Natalie reached for a chocolate bar in anticipation of the next scene.
The Captain would be home soon and find his children dressed in curtains and
roaming about Salzburg and he'd yell...  She liked the yelling bit.
 
***
 
        LaCroix uncorked another bottle of AB negative blood in time for his second
favorite scene in the movie.  Captain Von Trapp would arrive soon with Max
and the Baroness and find that his children had been roaming about Salzburg
and hanging out in trees wearing nothing but play clothes made from drapes.
He'd yell.  He liked the yelling bit.
 
***
 
        Nick rolled his eyes toward the ceiling, careful not to let Natalie see.
She seemed possessed some how by this movie but there was no way he'd buy
what was on the screen now.  One rendition of Edelweiss and the father
abandons his martinet ways and instantly bonds with his seven children.
/Yeah, right/, Nick thought, then he caught sight of the empty candy wrappers
in front of his friend.  Natalie had devoured six Cadbury bars and was
showing no sign of slowing down.  Every time Captain Von Trapp appeared she
took another bite of the rich chocolate.  When Captain Von Trapp yelled she
took an even larger bite and let it slowly melt in her mouth.  Frankly her
behavior was starting to frighten Nick.  Six candy bars?  What kind of woman
could eat six Cadbury bars so quickly?  Was this the type of woman he wanted
to be friends with?  /If I ever turned her into a vampire/, he pondered, /there
wouldn't be a population problem./
        "Nick, watch carefully, the puppet show is next!"  Nat cried
enthusiastically as she opened another bar.
        Knight shuddered on the couch beside her.
 
***
 
        /Just as well Janette hadn't come over/, thought LaCroix as he stepped out to the kitchen for some more supplies.  He really couldn't enjoy the film with
company over.  /If only I could find someone who appreciated Julie Andrews/,
he mused as he pulled the cork out.  (LaCroix grew up in a civilized era, he
used a corkscrew.)  He hurried back to the sofa as the puppet show began,
and began singing along with the children.  Only he changed the words.
"Down in the dark was a lonely vampire.  O-del-lay-he, o-de-lay-he,
O-del-lay-he, ho!"
 
***
 
        "Nick, pay attention!  This is the best scene!"  Natalie loved the party
scene.  She'd hoped to dance with Nick during this bit, but he didn't seem
to be in the mood.  He didn't seem awake, actually.  How could he not enjoy
this?  Maybe he really didn't have a soul.   /Nah/, she thought, /it was a man
thing/.  She decided to enjoy herself in spite of Nick and waltzed to the
kitchen for a tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.
 
***
 
        "Is it still on?"  Nick mumbled to Natalie sleepily.  The last scene he
clearly remembered was some puppet show.  Now Captain Von Trapp and Maria were singing to each other.  He looked over at his companion.  She hadn't
even heard his question.  Natalie was staring at the television, her face lit
by the reflected flow of the scene.
 
***
 
        LaCroix had carefully poured himself a glass of AB before his favorite
scene began.  He wanted no distractions from the moment.  The song began to
play and he took a deep sip of the blood, savoring it as he savored the
song.  "I must have had a wicked childhood,"  Maria sang, as she gazed into
Captain Von Trapp's eyes.  LaCroix signed and took another drink.  He'd
almost finished another bottle.  But that was all right, the good bits were
almost done.
 
***
 
        Nat licked the last dregs of ice-cream from the spoon.  She picked up the
remote and started to fast-forward through what she called "the boring
bits".  She'd intended to watch the entire movie, but Nick was obviously not
paying attention anymore, and after forty-seven viewings the escape scenes
she could happily skip.  She liked Captain Von Trapp singing "Edelweiss", so
she watched that scene, finishing the last of the chocolate and then
forwarded to the final scene.
 
***
 
        LaCroix fast forwarded to the "Edelweiss" scene, skipping what he called
"the boring bits".  He sang along with Christopher Plummer, then forwarded
through to the end of the film.  He sighed in deep satisfaction as the
credits rolled, then happily remised through the short film tour of
Salzburg.  He'd been on his own "Sound of Music" tour back in the eighties
and would quite like to go back again.  He doubted Nick or Janette would
want to go with him though.  What a pity there was no-one he knew who he could share this with.
 
***
 
        Natalie sighed in frustration as she watched the short film tour of
Salzburg.  It had always been her dream to go there, and  she'd been hoping
Nick would offer to take her there when he realized how much she wanted to
visit.  But he was still snoring next to her on the couch.  She hit the
rewind button and started picking up the empty candy wrappers, ice cream
tubs and leftover popcorn.  Finishing the cleaning, she put the laserdisks
away.  The sudden cessation of noise woke Nick but he simply mumbled
something unintelligible and went back to sleep.  Natalie sighed and
commented to the sleeping figure, "For all the fun you've been tonight, I
might as well have watched it with LaCroix!"  Then she turned out the lights
and left.
 
**********************************************************
      We're lurkers, we lurk in corners, we do our little
                    thing in the background
 
                      maddog and rastro
Text file Source (historic): geocities.com/zoewolfson/val

geocities.com/zoewolfson

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