Parent Speak
For those of you who had rational parents who support your childfree choice, for those of you whose work commitments prevent you from having the time to read the crime news on the back page of the local section of the newspaper, and for those of you who live in colder parts of the country, where you can't routinely sit outside, enjoy coffee and eavesdrop on passers-by: A translation of the commonest phrases spoken by parents.
Overheard: I love my children. I only want what's best for them.
Translation: I want to divorce their dad because I'm having an affair with this guy at the office who is a lot better lay. More generically: I am about to do something really selfish that will hurt my children, but I'm going to rationalize it so that it sounds like I'm doing it for them.
In print: I love my children. I would never hurt them.
Translation: I'm going to prison for appalling things I did to my kids.
In print: My son's a really good kid; he just had some bad friends.
Translation: My kid is going to prison for drug offenses.
In print: My son is a really good kid, he would never do anything to hurt anyone.
Translation: My kid is going to prison for a robbery-murder.
In print: I know my son and he would never do anything like this.
Translation: My kid is going to prison without possibility of parole.
From a woman to her childfree daughter: You would be such a good mother!
Translation: I want grandkids.
From a woman to her childfree daughter: You have so much to give children!
Translation: I want validation for my poor choice to have children and waste my talents, education and interests on cleaning potties and wiping butts.
From a woman to her childfree daughter: I know you've had some problems, but children will add so much to your life!
Translation: I know damn good and well that your life circumstances would make it impossible for you to be a good parent, but I want grandkids and validation, and I don't give a fuck about who gets hurt in the process.
From a baby hungry woman to her husband: I know I haven't finished school, and your job is tenuous, but when the kids come we'll manage somehow.
Translation: I want a kid and I don't give a fuck about who gets hurt in the process especially since it’s most likely to be you, saddled with a lifetime of child raising expenses after I quit school and stay home to be a full-time mom.
Overheard: It just made more sense for me to quit school and stay home when the kids came, but I'm sure I'll go back and finish my degree someday.
Translation: someday=never.
A man overheard: I'm a great dad!
Translation: I have a wife-mommy who does all the scut work of child-raising but allows me to take credit for 50% if I occasionally change a diaper, and who, when I decide I want someone younger and more attractive, will take the kids so I don't have to be inconvenienced.
Overheard: It's hard for parents/It's hard for parents these days.
Translation: I'm doing a shitty job as a parent, probably because I had a kid knowing it was a bad idea given my temperament, history and circumstances.
In a letter to the editor: Raising children is the most important job anyone can have!
Translation: I don't have much going for me, nor enough imagination to think someone else might either.
From a mother to a child who has just made an observation about something in her surroundings: Yes. Aren't you smart to notice that.
Translation: You bore me intensely.
Any comment from a mother to a whining child:
Translation: You annoy me intensely.
From a mother to a child: If you'll come to just one more store and be good, we can go to MacDonald's afterwards!
Translation: I find you a huge burden.
From any parent to a child: I can't wait til you grow up and move out of the house and can support yourself.
Translation: I find you a huge, consuming burden.
As a constant refrain: Just wait til you have children of your own!
Translation: Raising children is a huge, consuming burden, and I would feel a lot better about having done it myself if you do it too.
Parents on why they had kids:
The pious parent: God just meant for us to have this baby.
Translation: We had this kid without any planning or forethought.
The no-brainer parent: We always just assumed we would have kids someday.
Translation: We had this kid without any planning or forethought.
The obedient parent: Our parents expected us to have kids.
Translation: We had this kid without any planning or forethought.
The culturally average parent: Everyone has kids.
Translation: We had this kid without any planning or forethought.