Untill I Fall Asleep

I finally bring myself to stop crying, silently scolding myself for being so selfish. Enough's enough, and crying non-stop for three hours is definitely enough. Heavily, my hand reaches for the door, and I step out to the hallway. Shock enters my body as my eyes scan the clock; it's already 1:30 AM. Sighing, I head to the kitchen.

The hallways are dark; Duo must already have gone to sleep. Baka Hilde, why did you have to act like that? I reprimand myself. Air stands like the ocean during a breezeless night, cold, still, and silent. Shivering, I wrap my fleece-covered arms around my body. I laugh to myself; the bright red of the fabric must match my tear-strained eyes.

All the noise in the house belong to my footsteps and the dull hum of the cheap refrigerator in the kitchen. Hungrily I scan the refrigerator for a snack. Disheartedly, I pull a crisp red apple off one of the shelves. A smug smile pulls at my lips as my teeth sink into the juicy, slightly tart apple. As delicious as the apple tastes, all I can think about is what Duo told me.

Duo.

My Duo…?

No… Duo's not mine. As much as I want him, as much as I love him, as much as I wish to hold him close to my body and never let go, he's not mine. He'll never belong to anybody but that ridiculous machine. the Deathscythe Hell. Grief strickens my heart once again, tears begin streaming off my face like the leaves in autumn. Almost instinctively, I crumple into the fetal position on the frozen tile floor.

Swimming in jumbled emotions, I struggle to breathe. Gasping on the floor, his words resound over and over in my ears. Echoing the pain straight to my shattering heart.

Desperately, I wish I could be happy for him. He's going to do what he does best, piloting and fighting. But I can't. I never will. This war that brought us together now its cruelly rending us and my heart apart. For God's sake, he's **fifteen**! He's not even legally old enough to drive, drink, or vote (However, that doesn't stop him from driving or drinking). He…he…

Doesn't love me the way I love him.

And that's what it all comes down to in the end.

Duo doesn't have time to think about me more than a friend, or a shoulder to cry on. We both come from a history in war, a history that only another soldier can understand. Like with Relena and Heero, they don’t play on the same field. Relena doesn't comprehend the concept of war because she's had the privilege to obstain from it. That's why I dreamed for so long that Duo might love me, not just as a friend. However, this dream won't come to pass. I'll always remain in his memories as a sister. If, that is, I stay in his memories at all.

" Oh…Duo…" I mutter hopelessly while I continue to sob on the tiles.

Hilde, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I have to do this to you. I'm sorry I have to leave you. I apologize over and over in his mind. Cobalt eyes of mine stare upward into darkness. My thick river of chestnut hair spills all around me. Internally I struggle to keep from crying, the Shinigami doesn't cry. I haven't slept all night. Since I received the transmission, all I've done was totally destroyed Hilde's emotions.

It's true, though, I do have to leave. Statistically, what's the emotions of one person to the *lives* of billions? That answer is obvious, but it's so hard to imagine those billions of people in places I've never traveled. All the while, there's the emotions of that one person who's eternally embedded in my mind. Embedded in my heart. The way her face completely collapsed, her eyes darkened and welled with tears, how her navy hair swung away as she ran in sorrow toward her room. How could I do that to her? Why do I always end up being the bad guy?

But, I don't deserve her in the first place. I've honored that by keeping my distance. She's a great girl who deserves a guy who will always be there to stand by her side. Someone who will love and comfort her every minute of every hour. I could never do that for her. I would always be running off to fight, or handle a situation. It can't be me.

Finally, my willpower breaks and I find myself walking out of my room. Obliviously, my feet travel toward Hilde's room on the other side of the house. As I'm walking, I stop at the kitchen due to the sounds of sobbing. Curiously, I wander onto the tiled floor. My heart hits the tiles as I see Hilde, unaware of my presence, crying on the floor.

My sobs stop suddenly, I sense someone. I look up to see none other than Duo Maxwell. Unconsciously my eyes narrow in anger at him. Grief burns into a deep-rooted feeling of wrath. Fuming, I stand up and throw my index finger out at him.

" You've got some nerve!" I spit out. " Really Duo! You should never have come to talk to me after what you've done! Leave me alone Maxwell!" I finish. Indignantly I cross my arms and avert my face in the opposite direction. A feeling of embarrassment fans over me as seconds pass in silence.

" Well, Duo? Don't you have anything to say?!" I demand. However, time stands stagnant in the room. Inquisitive impatience creeps all over me as I open my eyes. Distress pangs at me as I see Duo with his unbraided hair falling in his eyes, his head hung in pain.

" Hilde…this hurts me too. I don't *want* to leave here. I don't *want* to fight. Most of all, Hilde, I *don't want* to leave you," he whispers hoarsely. " I know that...without Deathscythe and me out there fighting, the colonies don't stand a chance. But the facts don't change Hilde. Being around you gives me the only stability I've felt...ever. I grew up in the ghetto of L2, then was thrown into Deathsycthe, into the war. But, whenever I'm with you, I feel safe...I'll never gotten that from anyone."

My hand flies up toward my mouth, covering it protectively. Tears regain their strength, flying off my face. I never thought about his feelings.

" Oh, Duo. I'm sorry…" I manage to get out through the sobs. Suddenly I feel myself being wrapped up in his strong arms. Unrestrained, I let out all of my emotions onto his shirt.

I bite my lip as Hilde cries on my shoulder. It's the least I can do for her. Maybe I

can't be there for here every minute of every hour, but I can be there for her now. And, maybe for her, it's enough. Maybe this tiny grain in the dunes of time is enough for her.

Silently I wrap my arms around her tighter, trying to console myself as well.

It's strange for me, being the shoulder cried on. As long as I can remember, I've always played the role of tearless crier. I'll let her cry for as long as she wants. What else can you promise somebody who you don't even know that you'll see again alive? Gently, I pick Hilde up, and walk toward her room

A gasp escapes my lips as Duo begins to carry me off. My head lays fatigued on his shoulder. We enter my room and he lays me on my bed. I stare deeply into his concerned eyes.

" Duo…I'll wait for you." I whisper to him. He sits down next to me on my bed looking away from me.

" Hilde…I'll return from Hell if I have to if I can be with you…" he whispers quietly. Reassuringly, he takes my hand and squeezes it tightly. " But… I need to go."

Loosing myself in Duo's eyes, I can feel my body take on the lost sleep. Fighting to stay awake, I shrug of the sleep. Tiredly, I wipe away my tears. This is my last night to be with him. Maybe, my last night with Duo *ever*. His deep eyes begin to brim with concerned tears. I squeeze his hand even tighter, clinging to it like a child.

" Duo, would you stay with me until I fall asleep?" I ask desperately. Because maybe I'll tell you I love you right before I fall asleep I want you to know Duo!

" Yes, Hilde…I'll stay." He replies quietly. I try to smile back at his goofy grin, but instead continue the flood of tears. It's not enough. It'll never be enough until he stays by my side every night until sleep befalls me.

My tears subdue, and breath becomes stabilized. The feeling of getting hit by the truck of sleep rams into me. But I still feel Duo holding my hand, patiently waiting until I fall asleep. He runs, he hides, but Duo Maxwell never lies.

I yawn, the sun has risen into my window. Squinting, I see to my dismay that Duo's left. My hand touches a note on the bed. On it is Duo's scribbly handwriting.