The experience of loss/grief occurs in a variety of changes human beings face in significant transitions in life: the birth of a child (or loss of a pregnancy), marriage, separation, divorce, geographic relocation, job change, broken relationships, sudden handicap, loss by death, retirement, vocational shifts, illness, relocation of children, death of goals/dreams, age-changes, and other adjustments in the life cycle. When grief/loss occurs people usually/normally go through the following stages/movements in the experience of grief/loss. They do not occur in any order, two stages may occur simultaneously, and stages can be returned to after passing through them, and some may "pass" quickly, others may last a longer time:

SHOCK: The sudden impact or realization that someone/something valued has been altered or lost. The jolting effect of stunning news; a glazed and mechanical response is the usual reaction. John 4:27 "Just then his disciples came. They were astonished that he was speaking with a woman, but no one said, 'What do you want?' or, 'Why are you speaking with her?'"

NUMBNESS: The reduction of feeling and the onset of a "flat-feeling" in response to the news or thought of a loss; partial reduction of activity, or a studied, "anesthetic" response to trauma; little feeling or emotion. The wish to sleep or be detached from routine. Luke 22:45: "When he got up from prayer, he came to the disciples and found them sleeping because of grief."

ONSET OF EMOTIONS: Rush of feelings that break through the numbness with tears and physical intensity; pain is experienced, distress is heavy, reality of loss very apparent; tears and pain at times uncontrollable. A release of that which seemed stuck in our hearts and heads. Psalm 31:9: "Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eye wastes away from grief, my soul and body also."

DEPRESSION: Flatness of affect, loss of appetite, withdrawal and sadness, lethargic, lack of interest in daily routine,"flat" responses to usually happy events. lack of interest in the future, low-grade "down"; feeling of unworthiness, worthlessness or isolation. A feeling of spiraling down to flatness, and inability to raise above the bottom. Jeremiah 8:18 "My joy is gone, grief is upon me, my heart is sick." Proverbs 14:13 "Even in laughter the heart is sad, and the end of joy is grief."

STABBING MEMORIES: Sudden and unpredictable painful memories of the loss or loved one, stunning painful flashbacks of events or images that produce outbursts of emotion; jarring, brief, but intensely sad recollections at totally surprising moments, brought on by some accidental reminder; reminders may not be recognizable to even the closest relative or friend, these are often very personal in connection with the loss or person, a smell, a combination of colors, an usually insignificant object, word or sound. These memories sweep in from no where and flatten us before we have a chance to put up our defenses. A gut shot from a memory that may be no larger than the size of a BB. "KOed" before the round begins. Matthew 26:75: "Then Peter remembered what Jesus had said: "Before the cock crows, you will deny me three times." And he went out and wept bitterly."

BOUTS WITH ANGER/GUILT: Strong feelings of resentment and anger over the loss, especially the injustice of the loss, lack of preparation for the loss, the suddenness of it; anger that we have no control over the event, and frustrated that we were not given choices; guilt over feeling angry, and over not having an opportunity to recover time, to be forgiven, to forgive, to say good-bye, to change or say/teach something that might have altered the course of events; anger at not being able to remember every detail of the lost persons presence in our lives; anger at the lost person for leaving, for not taking better care of themselves, for not being more perfect (or too perfect), for not saying good-bye; anger at the world for not reflecting the our loss more apparently, for others having that which we have lost, for others having moments of joy and peace when we feel no joy and no real peace, anger at others for not loving/revering our lost one/thing as much as we do; guilt over the feeling of relief that a loved one is gone (not suffering, or consuming hours of care and personal resources.) (It is not unusual for the young to feel that the loss of a loved one is somehow their fault or the fault of a parent.) Guilt/anger is often intensified by the guilt others place on us for not being "more faithful/more Christian" in our grief. This often leads the grieving person to suppress (and thus prolong) their grief. Anger at God for allowing a loss to happen is very common among Christians, which often results in guilt at feeling this way. Proverbs 25:20: "Like vinegar on a wound is one who sings songs to a heavy heart. Like a moth in clothing or a worm in wood, sorrow gnaws at the human heart."

SELECTIVE MEMORIES: Recurring remembrances of certain events, or repeated memories of only good events, or only bad details; re-rehearsing certain scenes or events over and over, trying to "undo them" or be forgiven for them; remembering the moment that might have changed the course of our history (If she had gone back for her degree, instead of marrying him, she would not have been hurt by him!); idealizing the loss, so as to only remember the perfect or good. Often parents and spouses memorialize their lost loved ones with special "shrines, alters or icons." (No one may sit in her chair, no one may use his tools, they may soil/break it/them). Worshiping at the alters, shrines, and icons which begins, ever so subtly, to become our primary worship experience. Objects become Holy relics. Inability to part with trivial items because they were his/hers. Exodus 20:2-5: "I am the LORD your God, who brought you.....out of the house of slavery; you shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God."

ESTABLISHMENT OF A ROUTINE: Gradual return to the basic daily routine, somewhat mechanically, but adequate for self-maintenance and care; sadness and low grade depression continues, but the length of the sadness is shortening; still no great joy in labor or play. Psalms 10:14: "But you do see! Indeed you note trouble and grief, that you may take it into your hands; the helpless commit themselves to you; you have been the helper of the orphan."

ACCEPTANCE OF LOSS AND MOMENTS OF JOY: The slow, but steady, return to an awareness of a future, some moments of genuine laughter, instances of joy, and reduction of depressive times. Awareness of hope, interest in life again. Gradual release of the lost one/thing. Lessening of the need to cling to and memorialize the lost. Psalms 119:28: "My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word."

RECOVERY OF JOY, RESURRECTION: A sense of hope invades the majority of "day" hours, and joy occurs more frequently; interest again in life and future; desire to live, to dream again, to love again, to love deeply, and to be grateful for what was loved and lost--but ready to move on with living. Our loss is in perspective, a part of our whole world, rather than our whole world. This does not mean we forget, it does mean that the loss has stopped being the primary focus in our lives. John 16:20: "Very truly, I tell you, you will weep and mourn, but the world will rejoice; you will have pain, but your pain will return to joy." Luke 24:5: "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here, but has risen." (Paraphrased to fit the person recovering from grief "Why do you look for them among the dead? They are no longer there, but are risen.")