Sometimes the hardest part of writing a weekly column is
deciding what to write about. I've always tried to address issues
that are currently capturing the public's interest but lately the
hot topics either do not warrant a thousand words or require
weeks of research.
While I'm conducting research on one story and waiting for
another hot topic to surface, I'd like to share the benefit of my
unfortunate experiences with infomercials and hopefully may save
my readers money. Consider this my annual public service
announcement column.
An infomercial is a 30 to 60 minute commercial marketing a
product with incredible powers at an incredulous price. Usually
it is filmed in a small studio with an enthusiastic albeit
simple-minded audience and a loquacious exuberant pitchman who
may or may not have a Cockney accent.
I should have known better but when I saw the ad for non-stick
cookware that was guaranteed to last forever and ever, I was
hooked. Not only was this cookware non-stick it would allegedly
stand up to scrubbings with steel wool pads. Honest! This superb
miracle of modern science would end forever my ordeal of
unsuccessful scrapping of macaroni and cheese from pots that
would frequently be tossed out in frustration.
So I received this miraculous cookware but sent it back after a
month and a half. I did not get back all my money because I was
advised the cookware was in poor condition. So much for
guarantees.
My next foray into the hazardous world of TV shopping was for a
hair-removing product that I actually did not have much use for.
I do not have any hair on my arms and legs thanks to many years
of steaming hot baths but I am still sensitive to a comment made
21 years ago by my then 3 year old son, Evan.
He was in a hot battle of one-upmanship with a neighbor's son.
When the little boy taunted Evan by saying, ``Well, my Daddy has
a mustache!'', Evan shot back, ``Well, my Mommy has a mustache!''
Of course, he was exaggerating. Hmmmph! Nevertheless, this
infomercial claimed that this depilatory would not only remove
hair painlessly but was odorless and would retard the re-growth
of facial hair. Hah! Lies, all lies. I know I should have
returned the product but like 60% of all dissatisfied customers,
I did not.
Did I learn my lesson? No. When I came across an infomercial
touting a citrus based cleanser that would clean the glass door
of my oven and remove mold and mildew from my bathroom tiles, I
simply had to have it. Did it work? Well, it did effectively
remove money from my checking account but that was about it.
That particular commercial is still running and I watched it
again and marveled at how easily the baked-on, crusty mess came
off their oven door when it finally hit me. That's just paint.
That's not real dirt. That's acrylic, water-based paint that
comes off with simple soap and water. At least, I bet it is.
Still on the lookout for that product that will eliminate any
need for elbow grease, I sent away for an all purpose cleaner
that would clean just about everything with a wipe of a cloth.
Most of this miracle product lies under the kitchen sink along
with the box of citrus cleanser.
I have come to the conclusion that either these ads are all
fraudulent or the dirt in my house comes from an alien substance
invincible to any cleaning product. This dirt also prevents my
children's socks from getting as white as many detergent ads
promise.
What angers me most of all is that I should have known better. I
worked for the Better Business Bureau in Miami years ago and
learned about rip-offs, bait-and-switch ads, pyramid schemes and
other deceitful practices by unscrupulous merchandisers. Caveat
Emptor. Let the buyer beware is a timeless warning that is still
worth heeding.
I may have made some errors in judgment but I'm still pretty
sharp about some shady and potentially lethal scams still making
the rounds. These schemes target senior citizens who tend to be
more trusting than the average consumer.
Just last week I received a telemarketing call from a woman
claiming to be from a local telephone service. She was offering
Bell Atlantic customers a remarkable monthly price of $49 for
regional calling, caller id voice-mail and insisted that no
interruption in current service would be necessary. I was
definitely interested because I am paying over $100 a month now
in basic services.
I decided to listen to the pitch and when she switched me over to
her supervisor to complete the transaction, he then added that
all he needed was my social security number, my mother's maiden
name and the date of my birth. When I refused and told him that I
never give that information out over the phone, he hung up.
Warning! Never, ever give this information over the phone. This
is all the information that con-artists need to access or apply
for bogus or legit credit cards. I can't stress enough the
importance of keeping one's social security number private.
Oh and incidentally, those psychic hot lines advertise for
``psychics'' in the local want-ads. I know someone who was hired
and trained for this position and she was given a list of typical
responses to caller's question that would give an impression of
psychic ability. She is not a psychic and finally quit because
she felt guilty about scamming innocent, desperate callers.
Remember, most people with genuine psychic ability do not sell
their services over the phone.
Some products do work and I'd like to recommend to anyone caring
for a bedridden loved one, No Rinse shampoo. This space age
product is found in some pharmacies or camping goods stores. You
simply pour it on the patient's head and towel-dry the hair. No
rinsing is required. It really keeps hair smelling clean between
full baths. It's made caring for my mother-in-law so much easier.
I hope I've been able to save you some money and I'd love to hear
from anyone who has actually used an oven cleaner that's
odorless, safe and does not require any effort on my part
whatsoever. Hope does spring eternal.