I was very young when I had my children. My husband left me. He couldn't handle the responsibility. I took care of my children all by myself and it was a joy. I would do it all again. They are my life.

Amanda got sick when she was 4. I knew something was wrong with her because she would fuss a lot and throw temper tantrums and this was not normal for her. She had never been a complainer and she had never had a bad temper. She started getting a lot of sinus infections, at least that is what her doctor said. I took her in 3 to 4 times a week. I was always calling her doctor. The doctor said that I was spoiling her, that I was being overly protective and that I needed to start giving her time out for her tantrums. So stupid me, I did what the doctor said.

The doctor kept on giving me different medicines to treat her sinus infection but nothing seemed to work. One night I had a nightmare that I lost my baby. I woke up and picked Amanda up, still in her pajamas, and took her to the doctor once again. Her eye was popping out of its socket. The doctor tried to tell me it was an eye infection. I didn't believe her. I chased her around her office with Amanda in my arms while I sobbed telling her I felt something was really wrong. I insisted on a second opinion.

She sent me to an eye specialist at children's hospital. All he did was look up her nose to see a tumor. Before I knew it, they had her in surgery for a biopsy and admitted her. I sat in the waiting room praying nothing serious was wrong. Then about 6 to 8 doctors started coming toward me. They didn't even have to say anything. I knew something was terribly wrong. I coundn't hold back my tears. I just lost it. While I sat there they told me my little girl had cancer. Boy, I hate that word. They said they were going to have to keep her for awhile.

All I could think of was why Amanda? How am I going to tell her how sick she really is? I didn't tell her at first. I stayed with her and bought her any thing she wanted. I guess I just coundn't find the words to tell her. The doctor came in while I was sitting with Amanda and told me in these exact words "she is going to die". I started to yell at the doctor and wonder how he could tell me this. He didn't know my daughter. He tried to tell me she had 6 months to live. Then he told me Amanda would have to go to a different hospital where they specialized in cancer. I took her there and they proceeded to tell me of all the torturous treatments they would have to give her.

About a month later we where sent home. A few days later, my beautiful little girl's long blond hair fell out bunches at a time. She couldn't understand what was happening to her, although by this time I had told her she had cancer. Through all the treatments and her hair all coming out, she still gave me her smile and told me how much she loved me. Needless to say, I had changed doctors soon after her diagnoses of cancer. Her new doctor was a wonderful doctor who Amanda and I grew to love very much. He wasn't just a doctor he was a loving, patient, dedicated man.

Amanda got better over the years. The doctors had high hopes for Amanda. She was in remission 3 times out of the 5 years. She grew her hair back a few times. Of coarse, it never got very long because every time it started to come back she would relapse and lose it again.

Amanda had a lot of hard times. Children made fun of her. Adults accused me of beating her because her eyes were so dark. They called her a boy. She came home one day and started to cry and asked me "why do people think I'm a monster mommy"? Adults and children can be so cruel. As she continued to go to school, many kids started to fall in love with her and wanted to be with her. Of coarse she still had some children who made fun of her. She didn't go out to play with other children because they would call her names.

The summer before she passed away they could not find any cancer. Everyday we had a picnic and at night we would order out for ice cream. She never finished it but, she enjoyed it anyway. Every weekend we went to the cabin. We took hikes and went fishing. I even took her to Marineland.

In October she didn't go to school very often because she had flu symptoms. I thought they would pass. The nurse told me she was dehydrated. Of coarse Amanda didn't want to go to the hospital so we promised the doctor we would push the fluids. She really tried. It came to the point she had to go to the hospital because she needed fluids badly and she couldn't keep them down. I promised her as soon as they got her fluids up we would go home but that didn't happen. They took a head x-ray and then took me to see it. They told me she had a stroke and her cancer was back in her head. They put her in ICU.

I still had hope for my little girl. She had gotten through it before and she could do it again. She slept most of the night in ICU. Her doctor flew back that same night when he heard about her condition. He took me in this little room and told me Amanda would not make it this time. They could do brain surgery but it would just lessen the pressure of the tumor and cause her more pain.

Amanda wanted to go home. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. The doctor said I had a couple of months with her, so I was going to make the most of it. I started to make plans to go on vacation anywhere she wanted to go.

The last words I heard her say were, "Mommy, I don't want to go to sleep". The very next morning she went to sleep in my arms. She passed away at 3:30 p.m. at age eight and a half.