LEMEL & FLOOR-SWEEP

What is a Lemel? Click here.

You know, I'm having trouble filling out this page, because while I've found plenty of jargon, I haven't found jewels like LEMEL. Please help me out: send e-mail to this address.

• THE JARGON LIST

  A ~~~

• AGAINST ALL ODDS [Gambling]: 2, 4, 6, 8, etc.
• ASCII [Computers]: The American Society for Crazed Idiots and Imbeciles (the most prestigious fraternal organization at the Grobius and Fishe Academy).
• AUTO-DA-FÉ [Religion]: What the Spanish Inquisition sentenced heretics to; also, what causes massive traffic jams in New Jersey during commuting hours, not because of caution but because everyone wants to slow down to look and see if there are any dead bodies near that burning car.

  B ~~~

• BIPARTISAN [Politics]: a) A really super comb-over whereby the bald man does a sweep from over both ears (as opposed to the one-party system). b) A Japanese transsexual.
• BITS and BYTES [Computers]: Marv Albert's DNA samples. (If you are unfamiliar with American sportscasters, this could be redefined as the result of the last Tyson/Holyfield boxing match).
• BOOLEAN [Computers]: True or False; also the way your voice sounds when you have inhaled the contents of a helium balloon.

  C ~~~

• CAM SHAFT [Engineering]: Esoteric: You are poling a punt with your new girlfriend at Cambridge University and the thing gets stuck in the mud, catapulting you into the river.
• CAPACITOR [Electrical]: The person designated to drive on a PUB crawl. "Whilst everyone was incapacitated, Homer was the capacitor in his ability to have all arrive safely at the next PUB." [Fishe]
• CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE [Law]: The new handmade hole in your belt closer to the end that belies your claim that you have lost weight.
• CREATION SCIENCE [Religion]: Why I wasn't able to get to work yesterday. In actuality, this is the Christian Fundamentalist science of disproving Darwinian Evolution by weighing the pages of a Bible against a dinosaur bone -- the Bible ends up on the "up" side, thereby proving the point.

  D ~~~

• DEEP SIX [Politics]: To bury the evidence (as Dutch Schultz did with his enemies, or as the mob took care of Jimmy Hoffa). Recycled Definition: A sexual perversion among the Alpha Centaurians.
• DELE/STET [Publishing]: see STET/DELE. Also Perry Mason's secretary with some letters missing.
• DOUBLE JEOPARDY [Law]: You can't be tried twice for the same crime (tell that to OJ or Lemrick Nelson or the Rodney King Kops, etc.); however, it is also the second round of the popular TV game show -- maybe they should add some spice to the show by chopping off some fingers when you flub a question.

  E ~~~

• EMPIRICISM [Philosophy]: Cynical attitude about the British Empire among the old guard in the Colonial Office.
• ENCYCLICAL [Religion]: The Pope's letters to his bishops (a.k.a. Papal Bull). Recycled Definition: That same old stuff you stopped listening to when you were ten years old and encounter over and over again from teachers, politicians, bosses, relatives, spouses, etc. as your life progresses. Example as expressed by new grandparents: "We now have to get back into this ENCYCLICAL Santa Claus crap." (This is just after they bought their new condo in Florida.)
• ESCAPEMENT [Clockmaking]: The rather mortifying event that sometimes occurs when you essay a quiet fart.
• EVENT HORIZON [Physics]: The limits at the edge of a black hole beyond which no one can know what's going on; what the suburban housewife out with the girls to a male strip club is expecting to see when his pants come off.

  F ~~~

• FLOOR-SWEEP [Metallurgy]: What the cleaners call the windfall they find the next day while cleaning up a bar (loose coins, bills, etc. that show up among the cigarette butts, peanut shells, candy wrappers, bits of ear chewed off in last night's brawl, and so on that get swept up). A more generic, but actually higher-level term is SWEEP, which is what New York bartenders do periodically as the evening winds on: New Yorkers tend to leave their money up on the bar. A SWEEP occurs when some of that ends up in the bartender's pocket when the customer steps away for a bit ("Oh, I thought you had left and that was your tip" is the excuse when a customer complains.)
• FLOPPY DISK [Computers]: A leading cause of sciatica.
• FLOPPY DRIVE [Computers]: Sexual exhaustion; impotence.

  G ~~~

• GRAY SCALE [Graphic Arts]: Those bits of skin in intimate crevices of your body (e.g., between the toes) that make you think you might have cancer, or worse, leprosy.
• GUTTER [Publishing]: The gap between the right and left sides of the pages when you open a book -- especially bad when you can't read the margins because the book won't open all the way unless you crack its spine -- and this is also where all the crumbs collect while you read and eat at the same time. A GUTTER is also what you call some concoction you cooked up for dinner that you put too much hot sauce, peppers, and garlic into.

  H ~~~

• HYPERTEXT [Computers]: What this is, but its more useful meaning is 'the language of advertisers' -- "Whiter than white. Crispier than ever. Incredible Savings. New Improved. Miracle ingredient. etc. etc." [By the way, when did the potato chip folks come up with the word 'crispy' for crisp? According to the rules of English word formation, a word like crispy would actually mean 'somewhat crisp,' which is NOT what the ad-men intended.]

  I ~~~

• INTERFERON [Medical]: Wonderful new anti-cancer, anti-pain drug that requires the torturous death of 2000 rodents to produce one dose. Also, a well-meaning in-law. And a person who is stupid enough to try to break up a fist-fight in a bar.
• INTERNET [Computers]: The networking established by young doctors in training. "I'll refer my patients to you, if you'll INTERNET my acceptance at your country club."

  J ~~~

• JEJUNUM [Anatomy]: The first two fifths of the intestine; the amount of bullshit pre-adults are capable of exhibiting. A mature adult is called a Colonist.

  K ~~~

• KAKA [Zoology]: "An olive brown New Zealand parrot (Nestor meridionalis) with gray and red markings that talks and mimics well in captivity [Websters]." Come on, we all know what kaka is!
• KAKAPO [Zoology]: "A chiefly nocturnal burrowing New Zealand parrot (Strigops habroptilus) with green and brown barred plumage [Websters]." Some sort of a bird/rabbit combination. This is also kaka that small children find of a solid consistency that is ideal for smearing on walls.

  L ~~~

• LATIFUNDIUM [Law]: A large manorial estate, or the residual warmth imparted to a toilet seat by its previous occupant.
• LEMEL [Metallurgy]: To travel haphazardly, not knowing where you will end up, as in the adventures of LEM(u)EL Gulliver. "I have LEMELed into stranger places than this." Also -- and primarily -- an item of jargon that is for the most part incomprehensible to outsiders, but that can be reused to describe something we all know and don't have a word or phrase for. {back to top}
• LINE and LOAD [Electrical]: Professionally speaking, this is the electrical line in and the device it feeds. But its recycled meaning is: When you LINE a date you end up in bed with her; if you don't, you were LOADed. [Fishe]
• LOAD LEVELLING [Computers]: How to pack a suitcase so that once the customs inspectors have gone through it you will never be able to get all that stuff back into it.
• LOGICAL RECORD LENGTH [Computers]: The point at which a musical impressario decides that another version of this old song just won't go over again. "Elton John will not be performing at Mother Teresa's funeral because Goodby Norma Jean has reached its LOGICAL RECORD LENGTH."
• LOST IN THE SHUFFLE [Gambling]: The sort of thing that happens when one reorganizes one's web site and wipes out something like the alphabetical frame that used to be at the bottom of Lemel and Floorsweep. 'Shuffling off to Buffalo' means heading off (stoned) to Lake Erie, getting lost in a snow drift, and never being seen again.

  M ~~~

• MALFEASANCE [Law]: This actually has a true meaning within the same category: it is what your lawyer charges you.
• MIDDLEWEAR [Computers]: The latest trend in PC-Mainframe interfacing; the oldest trend in ladies' garments (corsets, girdles, etc.).
• MIXED METAPHOR [Rhetoric]: In the computer trade, Apples and Oranges. In poetry or oratory, "you scratch my back and I will suck your toes." Recycled Definition: The favored language of Howard Johnson menus and the like, as in this example:

  Patron Anejo (from the Tequila list at a popular Park Slope restaurant):
  "Elegant, lively, and balanced; spice, fruit & honeysuckle flavors weaved into a hand-blown bottle; a true sipping aperitif."

  N ~~~

• NOBLESSE OBLIGE [Sociology]: "The Obligation of honorable, generous, and responsible behavior associated with high rank or birth" (Websters). Recycled Definition: Descriptive of Earl ("Champagne Charlie") Spencer's eulogy at Princess Diana's funeral -- "this is what I'm obliged to tell your Nobilities what I think of you."

  O ~~~

• OEDIPUS COMPLEX [Psychology]: If you have more than one cat in your household, this is what happens when you dish out the catfood (this will go over the head of anybody who doesn't know or like cats).

  P ~~~

• PAPARAZZI [Journalism]: a) Those old cheap USSR cigarettes that had about an inch of foul tobacco in a hollow cardboard tube -- the proletariat smoke par excellence (this was before Marlboro moved into Russia to compensate for their loss of market in the US). b) A litter (in more ways than one) of 6 to 8 Labrador puppies running around your back yard.
• PLIMSOLL MARK [Nautical]: The point at which the ankle hole of your shoe is lower than the surface of the puddle you've stepped into (nothing more fun than spending the day at work with a shoe full of water).
• POLYPHONY [Music]: A true bullshit artist, in all categories.
• POLYUNSATURATED [Health]: What your pet parrot looks like after it has plucked out all its feathers (unfortunately, this is a psychosis these birds often suffer -- they miss the jungle and get bored to death in their cage).

  Q ~~~

• QUARK [Physics]: A dyslectic duck.

  R ~~~

• REGRESSION TESTING [Computers]: The process of making sure the program change you just made won't break something that's already working. In our new terminology, it refers to the constant going over of lists of things you don't want to forget (such as toothpaste) when you are going on a trip, resulting in the constant unpacking of suitcases that have already been packed. Here is an actual demo of this process (and you can actually repeat it within the window as often as you want until your browser crashes):

  S ~~~

  SEMIOTICS [Linguistics]: A very obscure literary study of the ways in which repressed women authors express their ideas of erotic sex.

  SLEEPERS [Railroads]: The wooden cross-ties underlying railway tracks. Pancho Villa's bedside footwear.

  SOLENOID [Electrical]: A magnetic coil -- in Fragmanats this is: Æçðÿßåø¿ûñ! Recycled Definition: That bit of tonsil the surgeons missed when you had the operation as a kid. This is responsible for all kinds of sinus and throat problems later in life.

  SPECIAL EDUCATION [Scholastic]: The school you place the illiterate thugs and imbeciles in to justify yet again increasing next year's education budget at you, the taxpayer's, expense. Recycled Definition: The learning of channel surfing on TV when something like the "Challenger" space shuttle disaster occurs so that you can catch the explosion over and over again -- gee, that blew up real good -- without having to listen to Barbara Walters and other media blabbermouths. How also to dodge the commercials.

  STATUTORY RAPE [Legal]: What the unknown Hun did to Venus de Milo.

  STAYSAIL [Nautical]: The Victorian predecessor of the Yard Sale.

  STET/DELE [Publishing]: In the game of blackjack, Yiddish for "I stand" and "hit me again."

  STUMP [Political]: A device used to elicit votes from the patriotic crowd who will show support for anyone who bears his war injuries with stoicism and no intent to rub in the point (of course that's why it's there in the first place) -- Bob Dole's pencil was a classic STUMP.

  T ~~~

  TCP-IP CONNECTION [Computers]: My Importer of Colombian Red.

  TIE ROD [Automobiles]: Something to do with your steering mechanism (all I know is that you don't want this to break while you're driving down a mountain). Also, that damn little stick of chilli pepper that gets jammed between your teeth when you're eating Siamese food.

  TORT [Law]: Prostitute bashing, as in "I TORT her a lesson she will never forget."

  TRANSUBSTANTIATION [Religion]: A railway platform on a Romanian branch line.

  U ~~~

  UNCIAL [Calligraphy]: A dark ages manuscript font (characterized by 'somewhat rounded separated majuscules' [Websters]). This word is pronounced unchil and is used by Etonians to signify the term "chill out." It is also the name of an inedible plant of the plantain or banana family that people eat anyway in Belize, in the form of uncialados.

  V ~~~

  VIGORISH [Gambling]: What a man does after urinating to avoid wet stains on his pants.

  W ~~~

  WIDOW [Publishing]: A short line at the end of a paragraph that ends up stuck all by itself at the top of the next page. This is also what a housemaid with a sinus condition says she doesn't do when you interview her for the job. "I dodt do WIDOWs."

  WIPEOUT [Surfing]: The wave crashes over your head: you were cleaning up your hard drive and saw these files beginning with the letter 'W', said what the hell are these, deleted them, and now WordPerfect doesn't work anymore -- the novel you spent months on is now bye-bye.

  X ~~~

  XENON DIODE [Electrical]: The Greek goddess of syndicated TV -- "Lucille Ball knew the Xenon Diode had existed during the early shows." [Fishe]

  Y ~~~

  Yorkshire Pudding [Culinary]: A batter of eggs, flour, and milk baked in meat drippings: Your typical English lass who thrives on this.

  Z ~~~

  ZIGGURAT [Archeology]: A Babylonian pyramid scheme; also a Balkan cigaret.

  misc ~~~

"...slip of paper bore the end of a word ending in 'el', and another word ending in 'eep', and connected with these were quantities stated in ounces and penny-weights, troy weight. But the only persons who use troy weight are those who deal in precious metals. I inferred therefore that the 'el' was part of 'lemel', and that the 'eep' was part of 'floor-sweep', an inference that was supported by the respective quantities, three ounces five pennyweight of lemel and nine and a half ounces of floor-sweep."

"What is a lemel?" I asked.

"It is the trade name for the gold or silver filings that collect in the 'skin' of a jeweller's bench. Floor-sweep is, of course, the dust swept up on the floor of a jeweller's or goldsmith's workshop. The lemel is actual metal, though not of a uniform fineness, but the 'sweep' is a mixture of dirt and metal. Both are saved and sent to the refiners to have the gold and silver extracted."

Some E-mail received that doesn't quite meet the specs for this page but fits the spirit: Mailbox. Feel free to contribute things like this.

Please format your submissions to the Catalogue, if possible, in this format:

WORD or PHRASE [source of jargon]: definition text.

And also try to include an exemplary quotation using the term. If you want mention, add something in brackets following that.

(This is all just to make it a little easier for me to process -- it could all end up on a database where people on the Internet can add to it dynamically.)
[Several months later: nah, BONODY reads this site, and he/she is a fool. That's why the Fishenet Jargon site was scrapped, in case I forgot to remove a link to it and you get a URL not found if you try to clickclick to it]

Web Page and Contents Copyright © 1997, by Grobius Shortling
Last Updated:
Visitors
FastCounter by LinkExchange