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Attack Course 501, 502, 503
Taught by Purrfessor Le’Go
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Attack Course 501, 502, 503
Taught by Purrfessor Le’Go
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You are cats, not mice. You know how to do this stuff. Maybe you forgot, but it’s inside those kitty brains somewhere. We are the leaders, the hunters - not the prey. Now is the time to take back your power and show those canines who are the boss cats on this planet.
The course is divided into three classes. In CAD 501, we will practice those moves hidden in your primeval
memories. In Course 502 I will show you the moves to take on that canine, whisker to whisker. Course 503
will follow Julian through a regular day. Julian is the KING of nonchalance, an attitude important to learn early. Then, if you graduate, you’re off to try your newly awakened skills on your own.
ATTACK COURSE 501, CAD
Most important; you need to keep in shape. Attack anything and everything, be it a blanket, your human’s feet, even another cat (with claws in for the latter move, of course). Pretend to ignore said prey. A good way to improve your moves is the old Hide ‘n Seek stuff. Make like you don’t even notice that flipping tail, that human moving past. Then ATTACK!! Leap out in all your glory as that hunter your ancestors were. Use speed and skill. Grab that human leg. Nail that tail. But keep practicing! Whether it be the peanut dropped by the parrot or a newspaper the human is reading. GO FOR IT.
The Hide ‘n Seek is particularly good for this type of practice. I mean, duck your head under something.
Pretend to be taking a nap, but don’t fall asleep you dummies. Then SPRING at that motion near you, or
attack the blanket if there is no movement. Practice until you can literally do the move in your sleep,
until your senses are sharpened. Practice until a leaf falling outside will wake you up. When you can do
this, you may just be ready for COURSE 502.
ATTACK COURSE 502, CAD
Always keep in mind that ALL dogs are stupid. I mean, it’s always Oh Boy, Pet Me, May I Have a Treat. They may be bigger than us, but they are considerable dumber. Don’t forget the old saying: "The bigger they are, the harder they fall". The secret is, stay just out of reach of their slobbering muzzles.
Get just close enough that your claw can do damage. Speaking of which - sharpen, sharpen, sharpen. Those poor waifs without claws, or indoor types, sit this one out. COURSE 503 is for you. You can still stick it to a dog.
Once Hide ‘n Seek has been perfected it is time for the outdoors. Find the perfect hiding spot. Crouch down and wait for your prey. Ignore the taunts of the birds or bugs. You are waiting for larger game. You will be able to watch from your spot to better understand the time schedules these brutes are setting. Unlike us, they are not litterbox trained. No, they rely on the outdoors, no matter what the weather.
Once you have your prime victim , know your quarry. Watch it’s habits. Learn that schedule. My regular
prey is Bijan, the Silky Terrier upstairs. She is perfect. I know her schedule, and she is phenomenally
stupid. The dog’s regularity is important, as is finding the perfect hiding spot for you, the hunter.
For me, it is the bush right outside the door to the dwelling. I sit, crouched with muscles tensed. Bijan, for example, leaves the apartment and go through the walk. Best to attack an empty dog, that is, on its way back to the home. They’re out there not for business, having done what they needed to, but strolling innocently back to their residence, unsuspecting and quite vulnerable.
As the stupid Silky mounts the two steps to the door ... ATTACK!!! On some occasions, when I’m feeling particularly adventurous, I wait until she enters the downstairs landing, then I slip in the door behind her and nail her inside. Dumb dog falls for it every time. Never sees it coming!
Feel no pity for your prey, no matter how it squeals or yaps. You’re in charge. Unfortunately, one time I did nail her mom. These things happen. Spend no time on emotions besides aggression. That’s the one to call up.
The important thing on this is SPEED! Claw and run. Don’t wait around to possibly get a dog muzzle touching you.
Any cat can use this section at any time. If you are one of those imprisoned poor feline souls, you may never get the full rush of adrenaline as you attack a canine in the great outdoors, but you can still use the tease maneuvers.
First off, be visible. Sit in that window, wash yourself in full view of the world. Dogs are driven crazy at the sight of a cat through glass, almost to the point of strangling themselves on their collars. I mean, they go nuts barking and snarling. You, on the other hand, do not move. Just relax. They can’t get you, but they are too stupid to realize it.
Julian demonstrates the other approach. The secret is his attitude and timing. The Lhasa Apsos next door don’t get out much, so he practices baiting. Julian is great at strolling nonchalantly past their glass door, even pausing to take in the view. The dumb dogs cannot get through the glass, and would probably lose the battle if they could.
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Notice how Julian casually strolls by the window where the d*g is barking furiously. It's as if he is completely unaware of the d*g. Then he strikes a pose of complete nonchalance.  |
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Missy, demure lady that she is, has used the surprise attack in another way. She was in a carrier, defenseless, right? Never! As it turned out, a friend's poodle stuck his nose a little close...well! Such complaints you never heard! Too foul to repeat here, but blood was shed by the prey. Never, never consider yourself defenseless. There is always the power of the claw, or hard tap on the canine nose!
There you have it, students: Hide ‘n Seek, Flex, Attack, Run and finally nonchalance, whichever side of the door or window you are on. Any of these methods can be used inside or out. By all means, remember that practice makes perfect, and we are the perfect hunters, and this means YOU!
