As a renowned Bad Bad Kitty,
Jessie KNOWS all the tricks.
As the writer of the "Be A Bad One"
column in the BFCC Newsletter,
Jessie KNOWS how to teach.
D*gs are animals which are very inferior to cats. They are noisy, smelly, dirty, totally dependent on their humans, and stupid. Unfortunately, they are usually larger than we are.
Dogs resent us, they use their large size to harass us, chasing and/or barking at every opportunity in feeble attempts to make themselves appear superior to the magnificent cat.
D*g-baiting can be a very entertaining sport if the d*g is safely tied up in its yard or inside its human's house.
Perch on a window sill and wash yourself while the d*g hurls itself against the window in a frenzy to eat you. Of course, should the human inside let the d*g outside, you had better have somewhere to run, fast!
You can team up with other kitties in d*g-baiting to lure the dumb d*g into a spot where you can all beat him up together. This can be risky if the d*g is large, so judge your target carefully! Only kitties with nerves of steel should try this.
In order to attack a d*g, kitties must be in good shape physically and mentally. Here are a few hints on how to get in shape.
Tear around the house at top speed talking to yourself and perhaps launching a frenzied attack on an unsuspecting toy.If there are two or more Cats in the household, you can take turns chasing and wrestling with each other and the toy.
Remember - you MUST perfect your hunting skills.
Baffle the d*g by interrupting your passage across a room at high speed, with a sudden vertical leap into the air. Then continue on as if nothing had happened. If you're skilled enough, you may be able to convince him that there are "rug worms" in the house. When he starts to look for them, attack. This takes a lot of practice, so be patient.
Stare fixedly at a blank wall, blank flickering box, or empty corner of the room, and pretend to carry on a conversation with another Cat. This will throw the dreaded d*g off, and if you are careful, can launch a suprise attack.
When the d*g is tied outside, lure him to the very end of his leash, then taunt him and slap at him while he tries to catch and eat you. Remember kitties, d*gs are stupid, you can play this game over and over. Very entertaining.
To pounce on a D*g, you must hold your head high, arch your back, spread your claws and leap straight up in the air, coming down and landing directly on the d*gs back, then hold on, you are about to go for the ride of your life.
If a d*g sticks his nose in your face, simply give him a good swipe on his nose with your claws extended, that is a very tender place for a d*g, nose clawing is very important.
Remember to leave kitty drool on his toys, in his water dish, and always eat his food. D*gs do not like to share, so take as much of his stuff as you can. And a smart kitty will make it look like HE is being the "bully" so that your human will yell at HIM.
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a Cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself.
Eating is very important when you are in training.
Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
When your humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from. If your human catches you and chases you away, run back as soon as his back is turned and drink some more.
The big drinking bowl in the bathroom is also a great place for a drink, but be careful, if you are a small kitty, you could fall in. Make sure to get as much water on the seat and the floor as possible, then run into your humans arms and give them great big wet kitty kisses.
The best times to inform your human that you are hungry is when they are unable to ignore you, such as sleeping, or in one's lap. If you insist on waking your human for breakfast, be warned that the human may be likely to throw you outside or in the basement rather than feed you.
If you are installed in a lap, be extra friendly with lots of purring and head-butting. As soon as you have your human's attention, leap off and run to your dish, meowing to make sure you are noticed. Give long sad looks at the dish, then your human. Works like a charm.
Table scraps are delicacies with which your humans are unfortunately unwilling to part with. It is beneath a Cats dignity to beg for food as some of the lower forms of life such as d*gs will, but here are several tips I feel will be most helpful.
These include jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly while they are eating.Lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen. Getting underfoot as much as possible so they will realize that you are starving and need to be fed.
Direct your best unblinking stare, first at your dish, then at your human.
Twining around their legs as they eat while meowing sadly, resting your paws on their lap and meowing to remind them you're still hungry.
If your humans are preparing something to eat (like cake or cookies, Yum) and you feel that you absolutely must have some, there are a number of ways you can try to help yourself. The first is the most direct method, simply leaping onto the counter, grabbing the first thing that you can find and running like mad for cover.
If you are an only Cat, knock something on the floor in another room then run fast into the kitchen and eat your fill while they are trying to discover what you broke this time.
Divide your time between hovering near the empty food dish (perhaps licking it to make sure it's truly empty) and being under foot and issuing more reminders and meaningful glances. Whenever the human's path takes her near the food dish run at full speed to see if she put any food in the dish.
Should you catch something on your own, it is only polite to try to get to know it first. Your food will usually not be as polite and will try to leave. If you can't eat the food you've just caught, be considerate and don't waste it; it makes a perfect gift for your human! Carefully pick it up and carry it to the house, if the door is closed leave it on the doorstep. If the door is open, take it inside and leave it somewhere it can be seen and admired. The gift will be even more welcome if it is still alive! Live birds and mice make the best gifts as your human loves a good game of chase, although be careful not to help them, it's their gift after all.