An Interview with Mulder's Fish

You've seen it dozens of times. Hidden in the corner of Mulder's apartment, on a bookshelf, with or without occupants. It's Mulder's fishtank. Brought to real national attention in "Colony/Endgame" when Scully came over to feed the fish and knew better than to give them too much food. The subjects of our interview today weren't occupants at the time but have taken up residence for Season Five of the hit show "The X-Files". Their names are Verbal and Keyser and, like their namesakes, one is a bit more talkative and the other a bit more mysterious.

IWAXF: Hello, Verbal...Keyser. Hope you don't mind if I take a moment to clear myself a space on the couch here.

Verbal: No problem. Hey, we know what it's like. This place is more like a landfill than a real apartment. You should have seen it a few weeks ago. There was a dead body on the floor and it took awhile, let me tell you, before THAT mess got cleaned up.

IWAXF: So how long have you two been in residence?

Verbal: Let's see...we got here on a Thursday just before Mulder split for an entire weekend and ended up being thrown in jail for killing some people. You would not believe the jams that guy gets into. Anyway, it's been months not years. But I don't want to get into a whole longevity discussion. That would be depressing.

IWAXF: Are you the only two in the fishtank right now or are there others?

Verbal: Just us two. That's fine by us since it can be quite a crowd on occasion. This is heaven compared to when we were at that weigh station, or pet store I think you call it. Anyway, we came in on some carrier from another country so Keyser and I are quite traveled for a pair of fish. Ever been to South America? It's quite a place. Did you know you can get souveniers for quite a steal if you know the right people? I know this one guy who can get...

IWAXF: Sorry to cut you off, Verbal, but I wanted to get back to some of the questions on my list. Just some stuff I thought the readers would be interested in knowing about you and Keyser.

Verbal: Oh, sorry. Yeah, I can go on sometimes.

IWAXF: No problem. So let me ask you, what's it like rooming with an FBI agent?

Verbal: Well, the hours are definitely odd. This guy doesn't really sleep on a normal schedule. Not only that, he sleeps right there on the couch you're sitting on. When he's home, he spends time listening to his answering machine messages, making phone calls, getting on his computer to go online...now THAT'S some show.

IWAXF: What do you mean?

Verbal: Well, it's kind of like his phone messages. There are these calls from women that he calls back but then always complains about how his credit card bill is going to skyrocket. I think he's looking for women when he goes online too. Maybe it has something to do with his job...some weird medical experimental ring in female physical eugenics that he's studying. Let me tell you, these pictures he pulls off the web are some amazing specimens of the female anatomy. Not that he ever brings any women home.

Keyser: Except Agent Scully.

Verbal: Yeah, Scully comes over now and again. She's really nice. She came and fed us when Mulder was out of town and in jail and also when they thought he was dead. Course, he wasn't...I mean, really. Keyser's got a soft spot for Scully.

IWAXF: It would seem he's not the only one. I've interviewed several people who have met the agents and Scully seems to leave a positive impression on everyone.

Verbal: Yeah, she's really something. When she comes over she usually picks up, too. I don't think she even realizes she's doing it but she starts straightening and adjusting the disaster area. Plus she usually checks on us which is why we appreciate her so much. We worry because there are times we're not sure that Mulder even remembers that we're sharing this space and time continuum with him. Some people think he's obsessed but I think he's just focused.

Keyser: Focused.

IWAXF: So what do you think of Mulder's decorating talents?

Verbal: What're you kiddin' me?! This guy could really use some pointers. Other than our tasteful home here, he's got some fashion disasters at work here in terms of interior decorating. Check out those curtains! And did you catch a glimpse of that coat rack when you came in? Hell, I only saw that once and it was one time too many. I don't know where he dug up all this junk. He must have a time machine back to the most heinous moments from the seventies. And what about that picture of a typewriter on the wall. The hell?

IWAXF: I seem to have tapped into something with that question.

Verbal: Well, imagine having to live in this space and look at this dreck on a daily basis. Me and Keyser deserve combat pay.

IWAXF: I see your point...and I do sympathize.

Keyser: Thanks.

IWAXF: You seem to have an eye for interior decorating so what do you look for in regard to your own living space?

Verbal: Oh, this tank? Well, I really like a bit of greenery but I have a passion for treasure chests. Some people think they are a bit tacky but I don't mean the ones with a skeleton tacked on the top, dead limbs waving in the stirred water. I like the classic lines of a nice, tasteful treasure chest. The kind that really open so you can squeeze in there if the mood strikes you. We've got a decent one in here and it's one of my favorite spots to get away from it all. One thing I can't tolerate is when there's some scenery taped onto the back of the tank. They had one of those at the weigh station. It was a rather barren tank with a picture of plants taped to the outside of the tank. Yeah...fooled me! I prefer a nice open area with natural light so our spot here by the window is great.

IWAXF: Tell me, what sorts of visitors does an FBI agent like Mulder get?

Verbal: Well, other than Agent Scully he's got these three close friends that stop by on occasion. These guys are pretty cool but you'd never believe they were all friends. Truly bizarre. Let's see...other than those guys and pizza delivery it's pretty quiet around here. He seems to travel a lot so I guess he's away on cases which cuts down on his social life. We did get to see his boss one time. This towering guy who came in with Scully when that body was laying around ruining the wood floors. Course, when someone unexpected does stop by it usually leads to gunfire so we prefer fewer visitors.

IWAXF: What's the deal with the masking tape on the window?

Verbal: Who knows. Some sort of bat signal, I guess. But I've never seen anyone come to answer the call. Probably something he put up and forgot all about. But that's a decent computer he's got there, don't you think?

IWAXF: I don't really know from computers. But it certainly looks serviceable.

Verbal: When he's here he spends his time either on that computer or watching videos. He's not big on TV shows but he does love his videos. Lots of women in the videos plus I think he's got a liking for old sci-fi flicks. Keyser enjoys those.

Keyser: Yeah.

IWAXF: What about music? Does Mulder listen to much in the way of music?

Verbal: Not really. If he's playing tapes, it's usually some cassette that some experiencer sent him.

IWAXF: Experiencer?

Verbal: Yeah, you know. One of the people that contacts him thinking they've been abducted by aliens. That's his bag, ya know. He sits here sometimes staring at this old picture that we think is him and his sister when they were kids. Anyway, from his mutterings Keyser pieced together what he thinks is some sad story about his sister being abducted by aliens or some odd thing. I guess that's why he spends time trying to validate these experiencers' stories. Maybe he'll turn up something that will lead him back to his sister and whatever mystery he thinks is buried there. But you know...Keyser pointed out the other day that he's sort of quit lately.

IWAXF: Quit?

Keyser: Stepped back.

Verbal: You know...stepped back. Re-evaluating, I guess. Anyway, that's what Keyser thinks. Keyser is into analyzing people and their actions. He thinks he's got a bead on everyone. Just recently, Mulder came off a case and seemed to be pretty closed-off. He sat with that picture of him and his sister for quite awhile but he hasn't listened to any of the experiencer tapes for awhile. Keyser thinks he's uncertain. Like he's not sure if the abductions are real. Maybe he found his sister. We're hoping if he did she'll call and leave a message so we can get an update.

IWAXF: Well, I must say, that's very enlightening and Keyser's one perceptive guy.

Verbal: Keyser may not say much, but when he does he knows from whence he speaks.

IWAXF: Guess I should wrap up here but I have to say this has been a great interview and I think I've gotten some insight into you two as well as Agent Mulder. Thanks for your time and good luck to you both.

Keyser: You're welcome.

Verbal: Thanks yourself. It's been great talking to you. We do get the odd visitor now and then but they never want to sit down and talk with the likes of us. It's been great chatting and if you're ever in need of an update, feel free to stop by. Keyser and I can give you the low-down.

November 28, 1997