July 29, 1998
Top tips for Everyday Cheapskates (and idiots)
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the car until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
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