SEEING THE MEN IN MY LIFE FOR WHAT THEY REALLY ARE

by Shellie Warren

Why does that already sound like an intro to a really negative recitation? Probably due to the effect that the media and even some of our poor mate choices have had on us, we often make persons of the male gender instantly synonymous with the problems and negativity that we often experience. But why is that?

Some would say it's because of how their husbands treat them. Others would say it's because of how their fathers reared them. Even more would say that it is because of what others have said about them. But how much do we really know about the men in our lives? I would dare to say that when it comes to the truth, our knowledge and insight is limited. At least I can say that for me.

See, I grew up with the absence of my biological father. Not because he didn't love me but because he didn't know how to love since he rarely received it from his own father. This was the first brick in my dysfunctional relationships that I have had with men throughout my life. When my stepfather came along, things were pretty good for the most part, but he was also a victim of low self-esteem and his survival methods were often fleshly and carnal. My first boyfriend was highly intelligent, very attractive and quick-witted, but he had a father who lived in his neighborhood but barely spoke to him, so my boyfriend looked for security in the company of older men---some of them convicted criminals. And then came the love of my life - a college graduate, a great lover, a manipulator...and a rapist. A rapist not because he hid behind trees waiting to attack women, but because his older brother would often lock him in a room with young girls and would not let him out until he had had sex with them. To this day, I still think he is mentally caught up in that room trying to find his way out.

Due to my relationships with these four men (and sadly others), I have been sexually molested, assaulted and heartbroken. I have had three abortions and numerous terminated relationships. Some would instantly say that I did not see the men for who they truly were. I'm inclined to agree, but what I see are victims of the same crimes that have had me bound for years because of abandonment and low self-esteem. See, despite the trials and tribulations that I have experienced with these men, I refuse to believe, acknowledge or proclaim that they are any less than men. Hurting men, definitely. Men in denial, possibly. Boys, dogs or jerks, never. How could they be? These men did not choose to be left by their fathers, tormented by their friends, hurt by their loved ones. They fell victim to it. What I chose to do was get involved with them wanting to believe that I could fill the voids that only God and time could and should do. There were warning signs all over the place that the help these men needed I was not capable of giving. But in many instances I proceeded to move without caution rather than waiting on God's timing to make their situations right. Often my involvement only made the situations worse.

Am I making excuses for the wrongs these men did? No. But what I am doing is choosing to see things as they are and not as I desired them to be. What I desired was a Charles Ingalls father and a Prince Charming companion, but what I now see are people who are hurting in a society where they are often not able to express their pain while maintaining their dignity. So from the bottom of my heart, these men should know that I see past their mistakes and into their solutions, which are not relationships with women but has to be reconciliation with others as well as themselves. I care about them enough to acknowledge it and not fall victim to their weaknesses again. Not because I choose not to love them, but because I love them that much. Seeing is believing and I believe that they can become the kind of men that they are called to be, once they see the kind of men that they are meant to be.

Shellie Warren is a writer living in Nashville, Tennessee.