Dumb Marine (redundant, I know)

Three officers, one Army, one Air Force and one Marine were sitting on the edge on a 100-foot cliff getting ready to have lunch. The Army officer opened his lunch: "Not bloody ham and cheese again," he said. "If I get ham and cheese sandwiches tomorrow I'll jump off this bloody cliff." The Air Force officer opened his lunch: "Not a BLT again. If I get a BLT sandwich tomorrow I'll jump off with you." The Marine officer opened his lunch: "Not peanut butter and jelly again. If I get peanut butter and jelly sandwiches again tomorrow I'll jump with you guys."

Tomorrow came. The Army officer took one look at his ham and cheese sandwich and said: "That's it." He immediately jumped off the cliff. The Air Force officer opened his lunch. "BLT," he roared, and immediately followed suit. The Marine officer tentatively opened his lunch bag. "Oh no. Not peanut and jelly, again." He also jumped.

At the triple funeral, the Army officer's widow sobbed away "Oh, if only I had known he hated ham and cheese ..." The Air Force officer's widow was also lamenting: "I didn't know he hated BLT's so much." The Marine officer's widow was also perturbed. "I can't figure it out. He always made his own sandwiches."

Dogs Tricks

A group of workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an Digital engineer who said that his dog could do calculations. He told his dog (T-Square) to go to the pantry and fetch exactly 12 cookies from a jar. The dog did exactly as he was told.

The GM mechanic said that his dog could do better. He told his dog (CamShaft) to go over to the dozen cookies and divide them into four stacks of three each. The dog did this without problem.

The AT&T lineman said that both of the other dogs were certainly smart, but his dog was even better. He told his dog (Hot Wire) to go to the refrigerator, fetch a quart of milk, and pour exactly seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Hot Wire promptly did as he was told.

All three agreed that this was extraordinary. They turned to the State worker and asked, "what can your dog do?"

The State worker called his dog over and said "Coffee Break, show these people what you can do." Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, and screwed the other dogs. He then claimed he had injured his back in the process, filed for workman's comp, and left for home on sick leave.

Politically Correct Terms

UNEMPLOYED: ---- Involuntarily Leisured.

DIRTY OLD MAN: ---- Sexually Focused Chronologically Gifted Individual.

PERVERTED: ---- Sexually Dysfunctional.

PANHANDLER: ---- Unaffiliated Applicant for Private-Sector Funding.

SERIAL-KILLER: ---- Person with Difficult-to-Meet Needs.

LAZY: ---- Motivationally Deficient.

SHORT: ---- Vertically Challenged.

FAIL: ---- Achiever of Deficiency.

DISHONEST: ---- Ethically Disoriented.

BALD: ---- Follicularly Challenged.

CLUMSY: ---- Uniquely Coordinated.

BODY ODOR: ---- Nondiscretionarily Fragranced.

ALIVE: ---- Temporarily Metabolically Abled.

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