The Trials, Tribulations, and Triumphs of the "Lady Cop"

Surviving in, and changing,  the macho copshop, and how to cope with your police stress.

by Hal Brown, LICSW

Reader contributions

Added: Nov. 1999:

First off, if you have a problem with the rage of others, stop reading.

I am one of those poor unfortunate creatures who was stupid enough to take this f**ing job. I have done 6 years of patrol in a 600 member department. Discrimination? Harassment? You name it, I've probably had it. The most recent lovely thing was losing my old precinct (ghetto) for whitebread America side of town as a result of telling a Sgt. who was sorely out of line to get the hell out of my face. This guy wrote me up for insubordination in direct retaliation to my informing him of the dept policy (ha ha ha) and various US codes of which he was in violation. They were looking for 30 days pay. This guy was so wrong it wasn't even funny. He has a well known history of hatred and violence toward women, excessive violence on the job, stealing on the job - and they promoted him anyway. He should have been fired years ago. He had been making passes at me for 5 years, and when rebuffed, became really nasty. I have a reputation for being an EDP, as I have never kissed the holy male asses of the job. NEVER!!

I also never believed in suing for sex harassment. I felt that if a woman couldn't handle the assholes in the precinct, she had no business on the street. Think the mutts don't call me sweetie? I find it funny because none of the guys would call me that. They know I am not sweet. (LOL)

Anyway, union pres says "transfer until it all blows over." My home had burnt and I lost everything only 2 mos. before. I was not my usual piss and vinegar self. If he had told me to jump off the nearest bridge, I would have walked zombie-like to the highest part and jumped. I am angry at myself because if I had been 100% emotionally, I would have eaten this guy alive. Instead, I wussed out and not only did I lose my personal home, I lost my precinct which I had called home for 5 years, since coming on the job. And I tell you, I grieve that loss every day. It has eaten me alive. I hate my new precinct. The guys are apathetic about back-up with everyone, and I keep getting told that noone wants to ride with me because they are afraid of me because I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance in July of 97.

Everyone in my old command knew me well enough that noone cared. I was the resident nut and that was okay with everyone. I had finally achieved some small semblance of acceptance there and from 1997 to 1999, I was happy. Really happy - and a more dedicated concerned cop you couldn't find. This Sgt. was never a part of our command. He was transferred in after his promotion. He was not part of the crew. When push came to shove, my CO and XO backed this lying, piece of shit, motherf**cker, 100%. In fact it was my Captain that ordered me written up. So in spite of my revulsion of women who sue (we had three that honestly just didn't want to work, and barely worked the street in their whole tenure)I felt that I had no choice but to play that as leverage. I did, and today, my Union Pres. came to me with a "plea bargain" of a verbal reprimand, no record to a ridiculously low policy violation. I conferred with my trustee and I took it, but its been sitting in my stomach like wet concrete since this morning.

I feel like I sold myself out. I was not wrong. The Sgt. was way beyond any semblance of professionalism, not to mention the fact that he had been making unkind conversation in reference to my physical condition for the previous 5 months. Today, my U.Pres told me that not one, NOT ONE, of my so-called buddies substantiated my claims. NOT ONE. And in fact, several went directly against me and the only guy who could substantiate my allegations, told me a few days ago that he decided to be vague when submitting his report. I told him that it was f **cked up and thanks allot.

Listen, I am tired of the macho morons who pussy out when it comes to backing each other up. I am a stand up cop and they damn well know it. Guess what? I wouldn't count on that anymore. I have been so twisted and despairing over this since May, I am beginning to think that one of the guys who has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is rubbing off on me. I keep saying that it is just a job, it doesn't mean anything, you have your health, you came close to dying in that fire, you still have a job and it pays well. It pays well, but it doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

I am heartbroken. I have always been brutally honest, always. And noone believes me. They believe this piece of s--- lying ass, because he got stripes somewhere along the way. I feel dirty wearing the uniform. I am not proud of the profession, I am not proud to be a cop. I tried to figure, well, I swore to uphold the Constitution and serve the public, therefore, technically, I only wear this department patch. That didn't work too long. This new precinct does 1/4 the work volume my old precinct did. I only arrest shoplifters now. I feel so humiliated. If I could quit and go make my 80K somewhere else, I would drop the gun and badge on the Commissioner's desk tomorrow. I went through absolute gut wrenching soul searching before I accepted this job. I wouldn't do it if I didn't know that I would do the same job as the guys and if need be, give up my life in an alley somewhere for one of them.

The complaint I have with this article is that you tell the female all these things she should do to stop the abuse or change the situation. Guess what? The Victim is not Responsible. Yes, I know, we have no choice, but goddamnit, when is one of us going to stand up and start screaming like a lunatic at the injustice we deal with every damn time we go to work? When? Its almost the year 2000. I don't think numbers mean anything, but shouldn't things be changing. I mean, I know that at midnight on 12/31, if the s--- hits the fan, there are going to be allot of people who need help and I bet they won't give two hoots if the uniform they see conceals a penis or a set of breasts, they will just be relieved and glad to get the help. Why can't my "brothers" in blue be the same way?

When are they going to "get it".

You will think I am nuts, but this whole thing was WORSE than my house burning down. You know, they did a 50/50 raffle when that happened? They gave me money (my union sponsored it) because I had no insurance. They collected 7,000, gave me 2,000, and the landlord who is also a cop - but male and in Street Crime - 5,000. He had insurance. But it was a nice gesture - then.

Now, I feel like borrowing 2K and dropping it on the Union Pres's desk and telling him to give it back to everyone. I needed backup that was a hell of allot more important and it wasn't there, so the fact that these self-centered assholes reached in their pockets and each pulled out 20 bucks - is insulting after all this. They can keep it.

I keep kicking around the idea of suing. I have causes of action (maybe) that date back to 1994. I have a story that would invoke some serious jury sympathy. But God, is that walking on hot coals without Anthony Robbins coaching you.

You say it gets better and yet, I have such a hard time believing it. Maybe I have an unusually Neanderthal department. All I know (and don't freak out, I am my parents only remaining child, I couldn't be that selfish)-

All I know is I have NEVER been so suicidal. This job used to be the structure that helped me deal with my chemical imbalance and really contributed to holding me together. It was a relief to immerse myself in work. Now it is only tearing me apart.

One of my bosses in the new precinct has an interesting saying about being a cop. He says "Its the only job that eats its young." I am 31 years old and feel 50. I just wanted to help people. I didn't know I would have to give up every ideal and ethic I believed to be part of this.

I didn't know I had sold my soul.

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You wanted to know what it's like to be a female officer. I wish I knew where to begin. I've been a cop for 8 years. I'm accepted as "one of the guys", this meaning they can be crude and say what they want in front of me. But when it comes down to being invited out for a beer, or to watch a game at another cop's house, or being called on the radio with a question, I'm not one of the guys. I'm invisible. I've earned their respect over the years, to a certain degree. Yet I get the feeling a rookie is viewed s more competent than myself. Sure, the guys are protective...I really don't mind. In fact I find it comforting to know that I'll always have backup. But the world of policing is very different for a woman than a man. Women don't get the respect (fear) on the street that men do. Our strength is our ability to communicate and our ability to read a situation, thus avoiding use of force. There are those officers, most in supervisory positions now, that don't think a woman should be an officer. I've been harassed and nit-picked. I have even been criticized in an evaluation for not "looking good" after a midnight shift. Sure, a few officers have crossed the line with sexual comments directed at me, but female cops can't say anything. If we do, forget the job. I I'll be made so miserable I'd have to leave. There's so much involved.

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I just read your article on women in law enforcement and unfortunately I can relate to well to the problems within a male oriented department. I causes more problems. I have been with the same department upon hire
now for six years. Under the retired chief who hired me my life was officers that were there then and are still on the force did not hold his same values. But I was allowed without persecution from the chief to
stand my ground and defend my rights. And after awhile things lulled me into a false sense of security because it appeared that those that did
not accept me had at least learned to tolerate me and therefore they did not attempt to cause me problems on the job..... as often.

Prior to my hire date only three other female officers were hired. All were at the time of their employment a single female as I am on an all male force. However, not one .... not even one of them were able to stand the
hostile environment and quit in their first year on the force. Only one remains in law enforcement to this date. I really wanted so much to be
in law enforcement and after speaking with other females in law enforcement in my area I hear similar stories of isolation and
retaliation in the form of pink slips, suspensions and really, excuse me but shit duty just like I experience within my department. Believe me I
have tried numerous times to get on with another department but the new chief (replacement of retired chief) seems to have other plans for me.
He has given me a bad recommendation each time. I know this is illegal but try getting another officer to testify for you. To do this is to
break the code of officers and they fear that it will harm their career within their department. So you find your self stuck where you are or
not in law enforcement at all.

The chief has since his first day on duty made my life a living hell as only a chief can do. I have fought so many battles but as one of your articles stated so elegantly "I have lost numerous wars." I filed with EEOC and Human Affairs based on the discrimination within the department. What a joke. No interviews were ever performed it simply complicated my job even more and increased my stress level on the job to almost a breaking point. I'm sure my chief would be very happy and satisfied to hear my thoughts that I am now expressing to you. There is no one within the department that I trust to speak with for when I requested their help in the beginning they turned a deaf ear to me and shadowed me with their backs.

I don't blame them if they had attempted to help me it would have caused them problems as well. When I filed with the two mentioned state agencies the chief and the city manager hired a labor law firm. All I could afford was a cheap attorney who made a bigger mess for me. My attorney informed me of the reputation the law firm hired by the city. Then I was informed that I should just drop my case but until that day I was encouraged to
go forward. So I feel I got shafted twice no three times by a government agency that I believed was provided to assist in sustaining my rights,
by a lawyer that had no back bone and by a department that had tried to shove me back to the kitchen since the day I was hired. I would have
quit a long time past had law enforcement not meant so much to me. Its not the uniform or the badge its the opportunity to personally see to
that others rights are protected, that they public is informed of their rights in criminal cases when they have been victimized, to stand beside
them on the court date if for nothing else but support and this includes all races, all sexes and all ages. To assist those that are weaker not
just physical but mentally as well. So many times I have seen the mentally handicapped citizen laughed or brushed off by other officers.
That is very unfortunate for everyone has something of value to offer to those who are willing to take the time to listen. However, all these
things have made me different and in my department that's not good. I don't go along with the general attitude of whatever. Instead I look
for the cause and seek to find a resolution where possible.

I liked your article on girl (and boy) scouts and I guess that's what I am. I'm not perfect by no means and I admit to my mistakes but I have learned from each. However, I truly believe in treating others as you would like to be treated. But I have a really hard time respecting corrupt authority such as my chief. He uses his position of authority to dictate not lead. He makes a practice of selective law enforcement. And pressures officers to conform by example of those who don't such as myself. One in particular was a
speeding case I wrote when I would not dismiss it at his order. Since that date he has created violations of policy which he states I have
broke and I have been written up and suspended for this. And yes I have a copy of policy and procedure but when I tell him what is written he
informs me "I am the chief of police here and because of that I can do whatever I want to do." I have kept a ledger since the new chief came
to the department or should I say when the problems began. But what good does it do when all officers there are afraid to validate his
discrimination. The only benefit of the log is that it allows me to express on paper what I know to be true. A year or two back the thought
of leaving law enforcement would have devastated me. But not now. I have fought the good fight and mine own self I have been true. I have
not become weak nor have I become a coward within the eyes of my opponent. I have become a stronger person as a result of these
experiences. It has not been without a price though it has changed me. I no longer view the working environment as fair or equal. And I trust
very few people. But I have learned to know the difference between friend and acquaintance.

The chief does not want me in the department but his objective is to prevent me from working within any law enforcement
agency. In this manner he will assert his final authority over my life in that he will take something away from me. I knew from the beginning
of the war that this could happen, some call it black balled. I was willing to chance it then but now I can accept it. Should I be fired
tomorrow he will not be taking anything from me that I am not willing to give. My life is much broader than law enforcement. I have a wonderful
husband and a very supportive family who have stood beside me and will encourage me no matter what career I chose for my future. If I said I
would not miss law enforcement I would be a liar because in many ways I would but I am a strong woman and a stubborn one. I have survived much
worse adversity in my life than this. In the beginning I would lay awake at night wondering why? But is no rhyme or reason, I was simply born a
female and I chose a career that is for the most part is male dominated. I'm not a male basher to do so would be to disrespect my
husband who is in law enforcement too and my brothers all who are good men. I respect those who respect me. And have a tolerance for those who
don't respect me but accept me. I am watchful of those who can do neither. Since I have been in law enforcement I have seen less
qualified be promoted. I am one of two with a college degree on the force. I have been refused training that would enable me to advance if
not in my department in another one. But have seen the same chosen few be given special training as well as advancements. Responding back up is
slow or non-existent during numerous bad calls. I found complaining only made this worse.

I know that I am on a dead end street with no chance of advancement and at times placed in danger. Since 911 was installed and the transmissions are recorded this has helped with the back up situation. If they are slow to respond I don't mind at all in questioning them on the radio, "just where are you now? I have a situation here." I have pride but not tombstone courage. That usually gets the fire behind them. Never have I no matter how I have been treated been slow to respond to their call for back up. Even when it is not my call but I hear a domestic dispatched I always head in that
direction without a request. Again to thine own self be true I have to live with myself.

If I had any advice to offer to another female who may be considering law enforcement for a career I would advise them to only apply with
departments that employ more than one female. Before even the first interview speak with officers on the force male and female to question
the moral within the department. Talk one on one with the female officers and question the acceptance and respect or lack of within the
department. Find out if any female has ever made rank and if yes are they still on the force. If not why did they leave. I would encourage
them to locate the females who have left the department and speak with them honesty is easier when you no longer draw a pay check from that
department for people are sometimes afraid to tell you the truth. Never work for a department where you will be the only female. And if you
choose to do so by all means speak to those who came before you. If you find yourself in a no win situation don't procrastinate look for another
department and move on or you may find yourself with bad personnel file and a poor recommendation. Realize that all departments no matter how
good they are have their own form of political games and if you don't play the game at least know the rules and the players to spare yourself
from becoming a victim of those who do. And last but not least physical strength is not a weakness for a woman use your mind. Many altercations
can be prevented with just a little brain power when used by a wise speaker and listener. And those that cannot, rely on your training and
don't hesitate to make the first move to restrain the suspect. I just wish I had known someone to give me this advice for things may have been
much different for me.

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I try to understand police stress from many points of view. But I am what I am (though I don't believe the common male delusion that I'm superior for being able to avail myself of these handsome porcelain facilities on the walls of police restrooms. Okay,  ladies, the typical copshop male restroom isn't quite as posh as this one. I've included the picture to illustrate how juvenile the notion of male superiority based on being able to urinate standing up really is. My own wife, who is a librarian, a good old fashioned "female job", has been a cranberry grower in the male dominated world of farming for eight years and I've learned a lot from her since she's the real owner of this farming enterprise we have been in for eight year.  She's the third generation cranberry grower in her family. But farming isn't law enforcement. Bargaining for a used excavator with a hairy chested tobacco-chewing heavy equipment dealer, or being the only female at an Ocean Spray committee meeting, isn't the same as being the only female officer on a shift or even in an entire department. No executive at Ocean Spray is going to leave a Penthouse Magazine in my wife's pick-up truck, or expect her to prove she's "one of the boys" by tolerating locker room humor. Nor is it nearly the same as being a female correction officer alone with sixty male sex offenders when her partner calls in sick. And what is she to think when it is common practice to have a sub called in when a male officer's partner is out sick? In law enforcement, the "ladycop" isn't always treated like a "lady".

It is a shame that equality often must be won on the heels of tragic cases of discrimination, harassment and even violence against female officers.  An example of the later occurred last year here in Massachusetts as reported in the April 24, 1998 Boston Globe. State Police Director Col. Reed Hillman stated, on the heels of an out-of-court settlement of $290,000 to a female trooper raped on the job by one male trooper and sexually harassed by another, "we have made mistakes. I will take every step to make sure every female in this agency feels her talents are valued." Last year a female trooper won a $90,000 lawsuit when female bathroom and shower facilities were demolished at Logan Airport to make room for a troopers workout area. A group of pregnant troopers have also filed a discrimination lawsuit. It is a shame that periodically I receive emails from around the country from female officers who have been forced to "go to war against their own department" in order to redress wrongs against them. In fact, I wrote the article here , in part with these officers in mind.

You can't easily relieve yourselves of a half a night's coffee intake at 3:00AM standing behind a dumpster behind the Seven-11; but let's admit it, you don't really want to. But guys being guys, some of them anyway, they think that because they can do it standing up, they're somehow superior whether it is in a fancy bathroom or against a tree. And you have to cope with this attitude of superiority, day in, day out. And what does it all boil down to from the man's viewpoint? That's he's stronger physically? You know that's a crock. I've seen strong male officers practically have a coronary when they had to chase some dirtbag around the block. When I was active as a reserve officer I never liked to fight, and found as most women do, that frequently words make a more effective weapon than fists or a baton. I suppose some officers might consider me a wuss, or worse, a word used to connote a male, possibly gay, with feminine characteristics. But don't you think that a male officer who would say this would also consider using their intelligence, and empathy,  to talk down a violent subject instead of using physical force might also be one who has a negative attitude about women in law enforcement? How many male officers like this have you met? How many do you work with? How many are command officers in your department? If your answers add up to more than zero, then you probably have some police stress.

The bottom line

Here's another quiz:

What is the most important tool  police officers carry to assure their survival?

Hint, it isn't on, in, around, or under their belt.

If you answer this question "wrong", your life is in jeopardy.

Click here for answer

Are male officers immune to police stress? No way. If they are immersed in the ultimately self-destructive "macho mystique" they will tend to deny the signs and symptoms of police stress: anxiety and depression aren't considered very manly. And seeking police stress counseling? They'd sooner have a root canal. Strength is as much mental as physical anyway. Do you know many men who could handle natural child birth?

Male cops who don't recognize the effects of police stress, and who don't change if they need to do so, will on average die ten years earlier than men who take care of themselves mentally. As it is, men die earlier than women. And cops die sooner after retiring than members of most other professions. Why subtract even more years, guys?

Ladies:

When things start to get you down, remember the lion. For all his striking good looks and fearsome roar, the male lion is a lazy beast who is dependent on the lioness to hunt and feed him. It is the female lion that stalks and kills the game. And this is in addition to bearing and protecting cubs.

Read my Media Watch on how Lady Cops are depicted on TV

Here's a web site with an excellent list of links to web sites about women in law enforcement.

National Center for Women and Policing