How to Write Racing Articles
by M.L. Morgan 9-8-1999
Well, race fans, one of the Brand X race sites recently put up a piece by one of their resident charlatans on how to write racing articles. I won't pretend to have read it because I adamantly refuse to read any of this guy's schlock. What he knows about racing and/or writing about racing wouldn't fill a thimble.
I'll give you a crash course, and after reading it and following the suggestions, you'll already know twice as much as this self-proclaimed expert. Trust me.
Step 1: Buy every article and book ever written by Greg Fielden. If you get the CD versions, that's even better since you can just copy and paste his text to use as your own. Saves you a lot of typing.
Step 2: Buy a Thesaurus so you can convince readers you know lots of big words. Don't worry that you'll probably be misusing them. Never overestimate the intelligence of your readers.
Step 3: Remember to use the word "I" as often as possible - readers find that very ingratiating. It's important to sound like a pompous fool. Readers all think that's how true experts talk. Trust me.
Step 4: Never say anything in 10 words if you can stretch it to 150 words. Your readers will always be mesmerized by each word you write, so longer is always better.
Step 5: Never use repetitive catch-phrases, like "Well Race Fans", or "Trust Me". Others will steal them from you. Trust me.
Step 6: Remember anything can be connected to racing, no matter how contrived it might seem. If you don't like bananas just work it in like this: While watching that there race yesterday, I saw them yellow cars and it reminded me of the time... How simple is that. Refer back to Step 2, if need be. Don't forget you are much smarter than the readers.
Step 7: Remember you can't beat your own drum loud enough or often enough. Throw in little asides, like "I remember back in '48 when Bill Sr. and I were kicking around this Nascar idea". Doesn't matter you weren't even born then. Readers don't know that.
Step 8: Always insert your own personal preferences into each article. Professional, unbiased reporters are dinosaurs. Nobody reads their drek. Trust me.
Step 9: This isn't AA, man. It only takes 8 steps. Knock out a few articles. Submit them to the various internet sites which allege to talk about racing. But please don't pester us here at Race Views. We already have a guy who writes our drek columns. I can't fire him - he was with me when Bill Sr. and I were inventing Nascar. Trust me.