Replacement Reignbeaux Warriors
by M.L. Morgan 11-9-1999
Well, race fans, we have been bombarded with letters since we broke the news to the racing community about the break-up of the former Rainbow Warriors, following only days after the departure of crew-chief Ray Evernham. I may have written a piece about this very topic but I don't remember - must have been a Thursday.
At that time we didn't consider it a big deal because these kinds of things happen all the time. Hell, I pumped gas for Gulf for years before the local Shell station offered me 10 cents more per hour. I was gone in a flash. I understand. The kids need Pokemon cards and you can't buy them with 'attaboys'.
We have virtually unlimited resources here at Race Views. We had some of our crack, professional unbiased reporter interns do any another exhaustive study of what it might take to restore the #24 team to its previous prominence.
We'll try to be brief - we don't write for Speed World any more. Race Views believes less is more.
Our team analyzed what Evernham had done to make that team so successful. Evernham had recruited athlete-types and trained them to be the over-the-wall persons. (Notice how politically correct we are). Let's see what our team came up with.
Innovation - right off the bat. I told your our crew was right on top of the game. Our crew decided to recruit some former Olympic athetes. What an idea ! Our interns are very clever.
Their first idea struck me the wrong way - they wanted to use Dan and Dave of Nike/Olympic fame as tire changers because they could both pole-vault over the car and save time running around the car. All I could think was Dave boloed and watched the games from home. Dave went to work for D.W. Dan's agent is still trying to find him a job as a male underwear model.
Then we had to have a gas person. This was easy and we all agreed. Mark Spitz - 7 gold medals - zero personality - never made a farthing from endorsements. But the way his whiney personality gave me gas, I'm sure he can deliver it to the team on raceday.
We had to have a jack-person. It ended up being a tie between Carl Lewis and Dennis Rodman because they have both been jacking off the public for a number of years.
Among other nominees for consideration: Got to have a team spokesperson. Even Jeff Gordon loses sometimes. Instead of having him have to come out to rationalize another loss, our crew nominated Nancy Kerrigan. She can come out and bawl " Why me ?", much better than most others.
We'll announce our crew-chief of choice next time.
Mike Morgan