Shifty Maneuvers
Well, race fans, Cousin Shifty has condescended to answer a few of our reader's questions. 'Condescend' might be the wrong term - actually I told him he would forget what that Budweiser delivery truck looked like if he didn't. Sometimes professional, unbiased reporters have to be ruthless. I'm sure you understand.
Race Views: What is your fondest memory of your storied racing career ?
Shifty: Retiring.
Race Views: Shifty - our readers expect more than one-word answers.
Shifty: O.K. - that's two words, ain't it ?
Race Views: We are not amused, Shifty. Tell our readers who your toughest opponent was when you were racing.
Shifty: There was a few - Richard was tough because he had all the big factory bucks behind him during the 60's. And David Pearson was pretty tough because he'd just lay back and wait for you to @#%& up, and then pounce. Junior Johnson was pretty tough because he didn't know the meaning of the word "quit", among other words he didn't know. But my toughest opponent was the flashing neons.
Race Views: All right, Shifty, we'll bite. What were the flashing neons?
Shifty: You are a pup, aren't you, boy. The flashing neons were the lights over the honky tonks. Every time I spotted them, my truck just veered to the right. Those early-morning sessions at the track got tough when I was seeing two of everything.
Race Views: Sorry we asked. Let's try another time. What was the toughest track you raced on ?
Shifty: Is this a trick question, son ? Back in my day, all the tracks were tough, but the night race at Bristol was probably the toughest, because there were no lights then. But that was also an advantage because you could get away with murder because the Nascar officials couldn't see who did what. Let me tell you about the time -
Race Views: Sorry to interrupt, but you are meandering. Do you keep up with the new crop of drivers ?
Shifty: A little.
Race Views: We've warned you about the terse answers. That Clydesdale tattoo on your hand is as close as you'll get to Budweiser if you don't do better. Now, tell us who you like, or don't like with the new drivers.
Shifty: Since you put it that way - used to like Darrell Waltrip, but he's become such a whiner, sorta like that Rusty whatever. Like Earnhardt because I raced against his Daddy. Don't like most of these new kids because they all look like girls. I like Jimmy Spencer because he looks like a driver should look.
Race Views: What do you think about Jeff Gordon ?
Shifty: Never heard of him.
Race Views: Is it close to your nap time ?
Shifty: No, I'm just thirsty.
Race Views: We'll come back later. Thanks for your time.
Shifty: (incomprehensible).
Editor's note: Shifty has the attention span of a Cheerio. We'll resume this interview at a later date.
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