Shifty Maneuvers
Well, race fans, Cousin Shifty is fresh from his nap so we'll continue the question and answer we started a while back.
Race Views: Well, Shifty, are you feeling better now ?
Shifty: Better than what ?
Race Views: Shifty - we'll ask the questions. Before you 'nodded off' we
were trying to talk about the new crop of drivers - do you remember ?
Shifty: Remember what - that's two words, ain't it ?
Race Views: We'll make this a little easier - what do you think about
Tony Stewart, last season's rookie of the year ?
Shifty: Nice boy with a really good team. But he looks like a sissy.
Race Views: What does that have to do with anything, Shifty ?
Shifty: It means he needs to fatten up a little, and get some tattoos so
he can look like a real driver. A broken nose wouldn't hurt.
Race Views: You are missing our point, Shifty - is he a good driver ?
Shifty: I guess he does alright, but the cars are so much better now that even
a clerk like you could be successful. Let me tell you about -
Race Views: Don't ad lib, Shifty - try to stick to the questions. After
9 races, the new points leader is Mark Martin - what do you think of him ?
Shifty: I wonder how he sees over the steering wheel. He must have a booster
seat in his car. Plus, he drives a Ford.
Race Views: Shifty - you are 5'5" SHORT and you make fun of Mark Martin -
how can this be ?
Shifty: Let me put it another way - Back then I was tall for my age.
Race Views: GAAAGH ! Let's try again, Shifty - have you forgotten your
only victory came in a Ford ?
Shifty: It was diffurnt then. Fords was real race cars. I haven't forgotten my
boy Spud Morgan was conceived in the back seat of a Ford, but Lord knows I've tried to
forget.
Race Views: Just what is little Spud doing these days ?
Shifty: He's still making big rocks into little rocks, you moron. Put that in
your paper. And if his axe handle wouldn't have broken, you wouldn't be asking me
these stupid questions.
Race Views: Maybe it's time for your enema, Shifty. We'll talk again soon.
Shifty: @#$^%$ you and the horse you came in on.
Editor's note: Shifty has politely asked us to resume this interview at a later date . It seems his favorite soap opera is coming on. Or whatever.
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