Shifty Maneuvers

Well, race fans, Cousin Shifty has granted us one of his rare interviews. Doesn't matter that he's my first cousin - he doesn't like me, either.

Race Views: Well, Shifty, we are 7 races into the 2001 season. What do you think of it so far?
Shifty: Too many young kids winning races. And I didn't like Earnhardt getting killed. Shouldn't have happened.

Race Views: Yes, we've seen some new drivers win their first races. Do you have a problem with that ?
Shifty: Nope.

Race Views: And what do you think about Earnhardt's accident ? That seems to bother you.
Shifty: Bothers me a lot. Bothers me a lot when folks say he died doing what he loved to do. He didn't go out there to die. That's bullshit. Only a fool who never raced would say that.

Race Views: So what happened ?
Shifty: He was blocking when he should have been racing. Nascar rules be damned - no one would have tagged Earnhardt if he'd been racing.

Race Views: Are you bitter about this ?
Shifty: No. Seen other drivers leave too early.

Race Views: Let's change the subject. The Dodges are back in Cup racing. What do you think about that ?
Shifty: I remember when Richard was winning all them races in them Chrysler cars with the wings on them and such. These new Dodges look just like the Fords.

Race Views: Why do you say that ?
Shifty: Because Nascar gave the Dodge teams the same body template as the Fords. Have you been sleeping, boy ?

Race Views: How do you think the Dodge teams will do this season ?
Shifty: I don't have crystal balls, boy. I don't think they have a chance. Billy won't let them run their hemi engines. Billy has always favored the Fords.

Race Views: But Ray Evernham is a proven winner, as well as Bill Elliott.
Shifty: Evernham disappeared when the season started and Elliott hasn't hit a lick at a snake since 1985.

Race Views: Thought you liked Bill Elliott ?
Shifty: He's a nice boy but there ain't much call for nice boys in racing.

Race Views: Does that mean you like someone like Tony Stewart ?
Shifty: No. That boy is not only a punk - he's a hazard. Jeff Gordon shoulda cleaned his clock the other day. Makes me wonder about Gordon. Cale would have settled it more directly.

Race Views: What do you see for the rest of the season ?
Shifty: Hell, the season is nearly over - they only run 36 races. Back when we was racing we run 36 races by July. These boys ain't racers... [CUT]

Editor's note: We cut this interview short because Shifty starts to meander when it gets close to his nap time. Shifty will be back.

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