THE HUMOR SECTION

Some random stuff I've been sent that I've liked

Some Jokes from my Uncle Leo

• If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
• Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
• Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
• Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
• Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (it's the '90's!) he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
• Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
• Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.
• Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
• Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
• Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
• G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
• Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
• Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
• Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

News
In the British elections in April, the usual fringe parties were in evidence, such as the "Blackhaired, Medium-Build Caucasian Party," but the longest-standing alternative, the Monster Raving Loony Party, ran the most candidates. Its main platform plank this year was to tow Britain 500 miles into the Mediterranean Sea in order to improve the country's climate, and 50 other MRLP candidates for various offices made proposals such as requiring dogs to eat phosphorescent food so that pedestrians could more easily avoid stepping in their poops.

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the United States District Court for the Northern District of Texas has a monthly article in the Texas Bar Journal. He prints reader submissions of humorous exchanges between lawyers and witness taken from deposition and trial transcripts.
Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?
Doctor: That's correct.
Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?
Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.
Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital?
Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving.
Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?
Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.
Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room?
Doctor: That is what the records indicate.
Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?
Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death.
Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?
Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
• Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
• Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
• There go the lights again...
• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of 'em.
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
• What's this doing here?
• I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
• That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
• Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
• What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
• OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
• Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
• What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
• Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

The below is from an actual newspaper contest where entrants, age 4 to 15, were asked to submit their thoughts about deep thoughts.

• I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundery because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of thier life -- Age 15
• Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money -- Age 13
• It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen, Of course, we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends -- Age 8
• Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote -- Age 10
• I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween -- Age 13
• I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember its because he sucks -- Age 15
• For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out -- Age 6
• My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him -- age 10
• I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, to which Socrates, Aristotole and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -- Age 15
• When I go to heaven I want to see my grandfather again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell -- Age 5
• I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower -- Age 11
• I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
• Once there was a big fire and everyone died -- Age 13
• I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I telll them to kill it anyway because I alread gave away all of his stuff. dog people sure don't have a sense of humor -- Age 14
• As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up -- Age 7
• Often, when I'm reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number -- Age 15
• It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there -- Age 5
• Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, thats five more than the biggest number you could come up with -- Age 6
• The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think its about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15
• Once, I wept for I had no shoes, then I came upon a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean. it's not like he needed them, right? -- Age 15
• If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, just imagine how serene it would be until the looting started -- Age 15

Runners-up:

[AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.

Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been determined that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said.

"It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly.

Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.

Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.

Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."

No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Some Top "Ten" Lists

1. How do I know anything really exists? - Kick it *really* hard.
2. What is the essence of being human? - Not understanding the opposite sex.
3. If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? - Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.
4. How do I know I'm not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a computer simulation of life? - Look in the mirror. If you see a gray, spongy thing in a glass container, you are.
5. Can our minds exist seperately from our bodies? - If they could, we'd just send our minds to class and sleep in every morning.
6. Is there a God? - A billion Hindus can't be wrong.
7. What is the nature of Knowledge? - I'm still trying to figure out the nature of *college*.
8. What is the meaning of life? - All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
9. Why get a Philosophy degree? - It's more respectable than a theater degree, but you still get to drink lots of espresso.
10. So, was Kant on drugs or what? - Probably.

1. "Getting Chicks To Say Yes: L. Ron Answers the Booty Call"
2. "Hey, If It's In a Bestseller, It MUST Be True!"
3. "Travolta 3:16"
4. "Making Your Own E-meter With Dixie Cups And Duct Tape"
5. "Chapter 26: In Which Luke Discovers that L. Ron Vader is His Real Father"
6. "Chapter 5: Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot"
7. "'Old Mother' Hubbard -- L. Ron, the Transvestite Years"
8. "Chapter 12: Geez, You're Still Buying This, Aren't You?"
9. "The Human Mind: That Vast Realm Half an Inch Behind the Forehead (Two Inches Back for Scott Hamilton)"
10. "When a Lawsuit Hits Your Eye, Like a Big Pizza Pie, That's Scientology"
11. "He's NOT the Telescope Guy!"
12. "Chapter 11: How To File For It"
13. "Movie Stars -- Are They Gullible, or What?"
14. "Chapter 3: Post This on the Internet and We'll Sue Your Ass!"
15. "Commandment Number One: 'Show Me the Money!'"

1. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe."
2. Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."
3. Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."
4. Company softball team down-sized to chess team.
5. Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.
6. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."
7. Company president now driving a Hyundai.
8. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.
9. Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics.
10. Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.
11. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
12. Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.
13. Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet.
14. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.
15. President begins weekly meetings, "Good morning, you ignorant bastards."

1. Host a Celebrity Stab-A-Thon.
2. Negotiate with the National Enquirer to admit to the Olympic bombing and the assasination of JFK.
3. Hit Kato up for back rent.
4. Tour guide for Hell, Michigan.
5. "I Fought the Law: An Evening in Vegas with O.J. Simpson and Richard Jewell."
6. Host a TV program about mysterious disappearances of spouses, called the "EX-FILES."
7. Contact the Democratic National Committee fund raisers.
8. Get enormous breast implants; marry an old blind billionaire.
9. Develop super-duper coffee mug - sell a dozen to the Pentagonfor $2,791,666.67 each.
10. Arrangement with Satan to receive a penny every time someone thinks he should burn in Hell.
11. "Borrow back" from criminal trial jury.
12. Write a "Homicide for Dummies" book.
13. Open a "Kick Me for $5" booth. Wait.
14. "I'll take 'Golf Courses of Southern California' for 33.5 Million, Alex."
15. Invest $67 million in Apple Computer.