A plea for euphemism

I wish there were a little more euphemism in the world. A little more, "Bah, humbug," and a little less, "---- ----.”

Perhaps I'm spoiled by my job. At work, you can stop the presenter after a grueling two-hour technical review and say, "I think you should have used the 12-point font on that third slide. It was hard to see in the last row."

And the person will reply, "Sure. I'll try to get time to fix it. Thanks for bringing it to my attention."

Try that at the Kentucky Fried Chicken drive-through window.

"Could you fix this menu board out here? I can't tell if the family pack comes with biscuits or cornbread."

Silence. You hear them mutter under their breath, "Sure. Like you expect ME to do something about it?"

Driving down the road the other day, I heard a rock song on the radio where the singer was so graphically explicit about just what he wanted his woman to do for him, if I had been the woman he was singing to, I would have said, "Sure. Like you expect ME to do something about it?"

I turned to the classical station. They were doing a commercial with the theme, "Wouldn't it be nice if everyday life was like the opera?

(Policeman, in a rich tenor, declaiming a la Barber of Seville):

La-dy...I think you were speed-ing...."

That would be nice, but I'd settle for some plain and simple convoluted-speak, like in nineteenth century novels.

"I say, Maydelle, it would bring me immense pleasure if thou wouldst discover a brief minute in thy wearisomely oppressive schedule to release that Smalltalk code into the soon-to-be-imminent build."

"Thy wish is my desire, Sir, but I must first fulfill a prior obligation to the esteemed customer."

"I am content to wait, then, if I might gaze upon thy comely form whilst thou stoops to accommodate their rude demands for a bug-free release."

"Oh, Gustave! Thou flatterest this innocent maiden with thy deceitful tongue."

"Nay! I speak not flattery. Observing thy slender fingers caressing the keyboard fills my head with subtle fantasies of their stroking my hard disk drive..."

Maybe not.

On the other hand, you can't use polite indirect speech with two-year-olds. They have a tenuous enough grasp on the English language as it is.

"Honey, Mama wishes you wouldn't throw your coat on the floor like that."

This does not translate to "Pick up your coat” in a three-year-old brain.

Or try saying, "You know, I’ll be so happy when you start using the potty and you won't have to wear diapers anymore and mommy won't have to change them every two hours….”

"Like you expect ME to do something about it?"