Obsolescence

Every parent feels it but some aren’t ready to admit it yet. Planned Parent Obsolescence. It’s a conspiracy. They’re out to change us, stealthily, insidiously, and irrevocably. They're changing our behavior so that someday a teenager's voice can boom out of our sweet innocent baby's body with the cry, “See! You’re not cool at all!”

So what? If everyone else's parents jumped off the bridge…

I first noticed it when my three-year-old’s favorite song ceased to be Aerosmith’s “Hangman Jury” and by an amazing coincidence my own favorite song became Nancy Cassidy’s “Down by the Bay.” You know,

Down by the Bay

Where the watermelons grow

Back to my home

I dare not go.

For if I do

My mother would say,

Did you ever see a llama

Wearing his pajamas

Down by the Bay?

Then movies returned to my lifestyle. I had been looking forward to the age when their attention span lengthened to a full-length feature film size, so I could once again go to see movies. Now it has, and I find myself once again able to watch the Academy Awards from the perspective of someone who has actually SEEN a movie this year. So why wasn’t ‘Mulan’ nominated for best picture?

Now they've degraded my taste in fine dining to the point where I actually prefer McDonalds to Olive Garden. I had to give up eating anyway -- with two children under three, it was easier that way -- and I figure if you're going to throw it away anyway, for heaven's sakes throw away something that makes me nauseous to look at.

Next thing you know they’ll have me convinced that it really IS more fun to play backyard football than to go watch a Cowboys game in the sports bar. That ice-cream DOES taste better than beer. That making a bug collection IS more fun than fishing for trophy bass.

Then they’ll turn thirteen.