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Is the Grass
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My friend, you tell me you are in love...
It begins, you say, while you are standing at the printer in the office, and the new guy looks questioningly around the room. Feeling the tingle come from your toes, you flush and smile. An indescribable feeling of desire and intrigue grips you. Everything in your world goes up in flames. You float to your desk and think of nothing and no one else. Several "chance" meetings later, you realize that he experiences the same thrill. Despite the consequences, your emotions run high with the thought of being with that person and drowning in the passion you believe you could share.
The new guy, you say, is better, more exciting, more attractive than the
husband who comes home to you tired from work and wants to watch TV.
The new potential lover wants to take you out for romantic dinners. Your
husband wants you to cook. Your husband never tells you how nice your
hair looks today or that the new dress brings out the blue sparkles in
your eyes. The new "lover" compliments you constantly. You share common
interests with the potential lover -- for example a love for theatre --
and you find you suddenly resent that your spouse has never had any
interest in taking you to see a play. Will you disregard all the
interests you and your husband share? Have you ever thought to ask him
to take you?
Will you continue the flirtation to see where it might lead?
Or will you remember that you have a husband with whom you have created a
home and a life?
My friend, you say this new guy consumes your thoughts, desires, dreams
and emotions. When he walks through the door, your body tingles, your
heart races and your mouth dries with the anticipation of being near him.
Thoughts of touching, kissing and holding him sweep up every moment of
your day.
It's the infatuation of teenagers with an adult twist -- a spouse.
Some psychologists believe that during a marriage, a person could fall in
love an average of five or six times with someone other than their
spouse. The new attraction can become an addiction. You understand this
idea, my friend. The new guy absorbs your thoughts, your emotions, and
your every movement. You dream of a life with roses and passion, of
desire and perfect love, like the ones in romance novels. All you can
think of is spending a life with this person whom you think is perfect.
Until that person becomes everyday... Over time, you will begin to
notice that the new person sounds like the spouse with whom you believe
you are no longer in love. The other person isn't as perfect as you
thought. You realize he has idiosyncrasies you can't stand for
long. He has stupidities that now, in the beginning, seem endearing.
And even that overwhelming passion you feel when you touch him can fade
-- as it did slowly with your spouse, leading you to look for love with
someone else.
This time, however, in addition to all the trials that come with
beginning a life with someone new, you must deal with the anger,
resentment and disappointment of hurting and losing your husband. He is
the one person with whom you have built a home and a life and vowed to
love for better or for worse. You may not see it now, but if you leave
the life you have, and you start seeing the potential lover's dirty socks
and underwear, you may see that the "new" person really isn't perfect,
and indeed, never was. Eventually, you may start fighting about money,
sex, kids (his and yours), and in-laws. He, like your husband now, will
probably never want to put the dishes in the dishwasher, and will still
wash whites and reds together. You'll still have to cook dinner, and he
will still put his cold feet on you in bed and steal all the covers.
My friend, you say you are torn between the two people you adore. Which
person to love? Will it be the one that you found years ago, perhaps
have children with, have a life with, cried, laughed and almost died
with? Or will you begin again with someone new, starting
over, struggling for the safety net that your spouse gives you now?
Maybe the passion isn't always electrifying every night, but his love is
fulfilling and safe. Can you forget the very real threat of aids in your
own bed ?
If you think of "only" having an affair, do you want the guilt, the need
to watch the clock to make sure you are not late getting home? And what
about the lies, the deception and, most of all, the risk of losing the
security that you struggled to nurture and sustain for so long? Your
security, your home is a sure thing, an entity that should not die.
In the end I believe you will realize that your passion for your husband
has never left, only your attention to each other. Finding romance in
your life is not easy. It needs work -- it demands your guidance and
your ardor to rekindle the smoldering love that still exists between you
and your husband. Learning to love your husband again requires no
difficult tasks. Simple gestures like kissing and touching can show all
the passion you have bottled up inside. Find the romance that you felt
with him in the beginning. It's still there. Perhaps you might show him
that he has set aside his attentions for you. He may not have realized
in the everyday humdrum of life that the passion you share has somehow
been forgotten.
How do you show your husband that romance isn't dead between the two of
you? Send him flowers, leave notes on his pillow, put his toothpaste on
his toothbrush so he knows you think of him. Leave the kids with a
babysitter, and take in a show. It isn't just sex -- it is falling in
love over and over and over again. You'll find that the feelings of
anticipation, desire, and curiosity of the unknown are still there.
Also, remember that you never completely know the one with whom you vowed
to spend your life. Find something out about him. Make a list of
questions that you never bothered to learn -- what his favorite kind of
dog is, what his favorite scent is, what author he likes the
most. Ask him about his childhood -- who the neighbor kids were and
what they were like. Find out anything new, and once you do, you will
realize that he holds within himself secrets for you to discover. He's
still a "new" lover.
However, I tell you, my friend, if you feel you have truly found someone
to love who is not your spouse, revel in the newfound friendship. Thrill
with the gift you've been given -- someone who shares certain life
experiences that you don't share with your spouse.
Remember that loving someone is not all or nothing. Appreciate and drown
in the thrill of a true friendship -- but don't let it destroy the joy
you've found and created with your husband.
Because chances are you already have paradise in your life, in your home
and in your bed.
Don't let him go.
In the end, you will be happier. The saying is "the grass is always
greener" but most of the time, it really is the same grass with just a
different name.
Tori Wilfred ...
Tori L. Wilfred is a freelance writer and editor living in Ohio with her
husband and daughter. On her birthday, February 20, Tori found out her
family will include another child, due in October. Recently she
completed her Master of Arts degree in English. Never limiting her
avenues of creativity, Tori writes vignettes, essays, poetry, articles
and is currently working on a novel and a screenplay.
TORI@NEO.LRUN.COM
http://members.tripod.com/~ToriWilfred/index.html
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Bio: David Hockney |
(1937- ). British painter, draughtsman, printmaker, photographer, and designer. After a brilliant prize-winning career as a student at the Royal College of Art, Hockney had achieved international success by the time he was in his mid-20s, and has since consolidated his position as by far the best-known British artist of his generation. His phenomenal success has been based not only on the flair, wit, and versatility of his work, but also on his colorful personality, which has made him a recognizable figure even to people not particularly interested in art: a film about him entitled A Bigger Splash (1974) enjoyed considerable popularity in the commercial cinema.
Bio from The Web Musem
