I believe that a Poly environment can provide wonderful opportunities for raising secure, open-minded, accepting children. It certainly beats the way I was raised - by two people who regularly "cheated" on each other, to the point that the marriage ended very badly. I'm sure a lot of us have experienced something similar...

I am a member of a Quad, which has been together for almost four years. We're buying a house this month (in about twenty-four hours, actually). We have two daughters living with us (ages 9 and 11) and a son living in Boston (age 23).

Our kids certainly know about our relationship - everything that is age-appropriate. I.e., they don't have a lot of details about who's having sex with whom and when, though they know which adults are romantically attached. They know what our sleep schedule is (i.e., who is sleeping in which bedroom each night).

I have had a lot of experience with alternative lifestyles. When I was a young mother (my son was 2-8), I thought I was a lesbian. I was honest with my son to whatever degree he could understand. I believed then, and believe now, that kids only get freaked out if you act like there's something shameful or secretive going on. Kids are far more perceptive than many people give them credit for. It's best to be honest, but not overload them with details. Of course, that's IMHO and YMMV...

When I came out to my son, his response was, "Way to go, Mom!"

Our girls think they're the luckiest kids in the whole world - except when they're in trouble. There is almost always someone available to help them with homework, to answer their questions, to give them a hug, to talk to them, etc.

I'm a night owl and so is Vince (my husband). The other pair in the Quad are larks. There's someone awake in our home almost twenty-four hours a day. That is wonderful for kids. When the younger daughter comes downstairs at 4:00 in the morning after a nightmare, she knows that I will be here to hold her and comfort her. When she wakes up and feels sick, she knows I'm here to make her a cup of herbal tea or give her some medicine. Her biological mother (Misty) doesn't have to lose any sleep, and so is always rested in the mornings.

Because each of us is able to do what we want, without suffering financially, the kids benefit from our time and increased good tempers.

For instance, I used to have to work outside of the home and I didn't like it - but my husband and I couldn't have survived without the double income. Misty had to stay at home with the kids, even though she wanted to work outside of the home - because she and Chris couldn't afford daycare. Both of us felt crabby, depressed, and unfulfilled.

In this type of poly arrangement, both women get to do what they want, our financial situation is much better, and everyone is much happier. The kids can only benefit from that.

On top of that, the kids get to experience and observe positive (and occasionally not-so-positive...) examples from four good, intelligent, loving parents - who have a wide variety of skills, talents, methods, and abilities.

From me, the kids learn arts and crafts, cooking, and organizational skills, etc.

From Misty, they learn household tasks and the ambition to go out in the world and be an equal part of the work force - if that's what they want.

From Vince, they learn astronomy and science (and sarcasm, he says).

From Chris, they learn to play and they learn to follow their dreams.

From all of us, they learn compromise, humor, and commitment.

These are just examples, of course, but the salient point is that they are personally exposed to a greater variety of life choices. Hopefully, they will grow up with minds that are open to alternative viewpoints. This lifestyle can also be easier on the adults, because we can get time away from the children. That's more difficult in "traditional" couples.

From the point that we first decided to pursue this relationship, we wanted to be upfront with the kids. We explained to them that we all loved each other (and them). We told them that it was unusual for four people to love each other and live together, but that there was nothing wrong with it.

We also told them that some people might tease them if they knew about it, but that there was no reason for them to be ashamed. They asked a few questions, heard our explanations, and were all set. They know that if they have any concerns, all they have to do is bring them to us.

The younger girl has learned the art of explaining who I am nonchalantly. When she does this, the other kids or adults usually accept it as no big deal. The older girl has a harder time with this (that's generally true for her anyway). She feels that it's too complicated to explain and that it's none of their business anyway - so they naturally want to find out what's going on. This only upsets her further. We've been working on role-playing situations, so she can handle it better.

Although their teachers may not know exactly what the situation is, they all know that we are a family and that they're as likely to get any one of us (or any combination) at parent/teacher conferences, etc. The Principal and the staff at the school also know this. We haven't had any problems as far as that goes. Luck of the draw maybe...

We always attend the Parent's Night at the beginning of the school year and explain to the teachers that we are a family and that we all live together. We let them know that any one of us can be responsible for the kids and that any one of us may be contacting them for P/T conferences and so forth. One teacher said she'd had a family like ours the year before. She didn't seem at all non-plussed by it.

One of the hardest issues for us in the beginning, was what the kids should call my husband and I. The girls wanted to call me their "other mother," but we thought that would necessitate more explanations. For awhile, they called us Aunt and Uncle, but that didn't feel right.

Eventually we just had them call us by our names, but both of them occasionally call me "Mama." (Misty is "Mom.") This usually only happens at home, or around people who don't know us. We've also described the girls as our "god-daughters" (though we're pretty much Pagan-inclined). People seem to have more understanding for that kind of relationship, and more acceptance.

In terms of "coming out" to one's children, "Every journey begins with a step." Every poly relationship is unique. How much/what you choose to tell your kid(s) would necessarily be different than it is for us.

My hard-earned advice to Poly (or potentially Poly) people with children is: Be as honest, open, matter-of-fact, and unashamed as you can be. Give your children any information that's appropriate for their ages. Answer their questions. Most kids really are aware of what's going on around them and feel insecure if there are "secrets."

All of the above, of course, is IMHO and YMMV. I wish you all the best...

May we all find the pleasures that feed our souls

09/24/07