I am, at heart, a polyamorous woman. I always have been and I always will be. To me, being poly represents the ability to be involved in simultaneous loving, intimate relationships. These relationships may include love, sex, commitment, intimacy, and a variety of other characteristics.

I am certainly capable of living monogamously if that is something I have agreed to. I can only conceive that I would do this if I were in another life-long committed relationship - and only if he insisted on monogamy. Behaving in a monogamous fashion does not, however, change my poly nature. I am simply willing to do it if there is enough of a loving connection with someone - and it is that important to them.

I am not a cheater. I believe in transparency with a partner. I generally practice compassionate radical honesty (almost self-destructively so at times) with my friends and partners.

I never try to get away with something. I'm a confessor, a recovering Roman Catholic. I can't live with guilt and I can't live with lying to someone I care about. So, if I've done something I don't think my partner(s) would approve of, I almost always tell them at the first possible opportunity (so long as it's an appropriate time and place).

If it's something particularly difficult to talk about, I will often open the discussion with a written letter. I usually write the letter and give it to them in person (though sometimes I email it). This allows me the time and quiet to fully state what happened and how I feel about it - without distractions, being interrupted, or getting angry and defensive.

Reading the letter gives the other person time to digest the issue without the distractions of an emotional discussion. When they're ready, we discuss the situation (hopefully without too much drama). I would always prefer to discuss an issue, or even fight about it, rather than sit on it and wait. For me that just causes my feelings to build and ferment to a bigger explosion.

I think it's important to be clear that being in several relationships simultaneously has absolutely nothing negative to do with any of the individuals involved. It isn't (or shouldn't be) a judgment, a criticism, or emotional blackmail. Specifically, it doesn't mean that one person is deficient in some way. It just means that I'm getting different needs (and desires) met from different people.

Poly should not be used as a weapon. For instance, it would be totally inappropriate for me to say something like, "You're not fucking me as much as I want to be fucked, so I'm going to get it elsewhere." While that may very well be true (considering that I'm a nymphomaniac and a slut), there are much better ways to handle situations like that.

There have been times in my life (even recently) when I have certainly acted immaturely, or said nasty things in a moment of anger. It doesn't happen terribly often, and I always try to make amends when I've hurt someone in this way.

I simply do not believe (and never have) that one person can meet all the needs of another. It may seem that way in the initial stages of a relationship when there is NRE (New Relationship Energy) going on. But that NRE eventually wears off and the honeymoon comes to an end. That's when we really find out which needs are not being met fully.

That post-NRE period is also when we fully realize which wants (as opposed to actual needs) are not being satisfied. For instance, if I love holding hands during a romantic dinner in an intimate setting and my partner hates that - a want is not being satisfied. I won't die. It isn't a relationship deal breaker.

But I think that satisfying wants can often feel as necessary as getting needs met. If I never get to go to an amusement park again, because my partner hates them, there will inevitably be some resentment build-up. But if I have another partner who LOVES riding through the tunnel of love and making out on the Ferris wheel, I can get my wants satisfied with no reflection on the other partner.

That is why most people have several friends. They find different things to enjoy in each person, because each relationship has its own unique chemistry and appeal.

One can say that is great to have lots of friends, but that it should be enough to have one loving partner. I disagree. I think it's great to have both.

As an example, my late lover, for a variety of reasons, just didn't particularly enjoy performing oral sex - so he never did it during our entire relationship. That was fine. It wasn't a need. And it obviously wasn't a deal breaker. But he "allowed" me to have a female lover, who happened to LOVE eating pussy, enjoyed fine dining in romantic restaurants, and was always happy to take me dancing. None of these were things that interested Steve.

I got different needs met from each of my intimate partners, and I got different desires met from each of them. Nothing was taken away from either, and no one felt that they were being compared and found lacking. It worked for us.

I don't necessarily believe that polyamory can work for everyone. Certainly not everyone has a poly nature, and that can't be forced. No one should be forced into a lifestyle that is against their nature - whether it's polyamory, bisexuality, monogamy, BDSM, or whatever.

I have an almost unlimited capacity for love, intimacy, sex, and fun. What I don't have is an unlimited supply of time and energy. That is one of the limiting factors in poly living.

Polyamory requires a balance, making sure each person knows that they are loved, making sure that each person feels that they're getting enough time and attention. Sometimes one person needs more - such as during a crisis or celebration (wedding planning, for example). Other relationships can suffer at those times, unless there is the understanding that we are doing the best we can to balance the finite resources. Things generally even out over time.

Being poly isn't easy. It isn't for the faint of heart. It's complicated. It's time-consuming. It can be emotionally painful at times. It's particularly difficult for those who have poor self-esteem and low self-confidence. But if you can work out all the issues openly and honestly, the rewards are soooo worth the effort.

01/21/2008