This essay was written in 1998. I am absolutely still polyamorous, but my life has changed dramatically. I hope that the information contained in this essay is still valuable to those living poly lifestyles.
In my opinion, the most vital things to be shared are our thoughts and our feelings, the quintessence of what makes us who we are. I would personally find it very difficult to be intimately involved with someone who could not (or would not) share those aspects of themselves. Other people may feel differently, of course (but we won't know it unless they share their thoughts about it!).
I understand that many people have a hard time talking about their innermost feelings, thoughts, fears, etc. I think, though, that this difficulty can be overcome with time, patience, and trust. From this, a deeper, more satisfying mutual relationship can grow.
This question has pretty much been addressed throughout this response.
This issue hasn't been adequately tested in my current relationship. When we first lived together, I also had a Secondary relationship with someone in a nearby state. Two of my Spice resented the amount of time and energy (but not so much the money) that I spent on this outside relationship. It eventually became a threat (or at least a divisive issue) to one of my Primary partners and I chose to end the relationship with the Secondary. He had known from the beginning that this could happen, and that my choice would be to honor the feelings of my family members. FWIW, we are still friends.
In terms of my potential new Secondary relationship (who does not live in a nearby state), I’m sure that any trips I make to see him will be financed by the combined family income. There may be some resentment about that, but as long as we're all clear about the possibilities and are upfront about our feelings, we can work it out.
I would not necessarily expect, and certainly wouldn't demand, that my Secondary contribute to the finances involved in getting us together. I would, however, appreciate it very much.
As I've mentioned before, this has been a problem in our Quad in the past - not so much for me as for others. I have no secrets and nothing to hide, so it doesn’t matter that much to me - unless someone is making a negative comparison...
This wasn’t technically part of the questionnaire; however, I’d like to address some of these points too.
Space - Sharing space can be a very touchy subject for everyone, whether they’re poly or not. When I’ve been involved in more traditional couple relationships, the decision to co-habitate has always been difficult. It is even more so when it becomes more complicated, as in poly relationships.
When I first got involved with my Spice, we talked about the possibility of living together - someday, maybe after several years. Circumstances conspired to throw us together within a few months, and it was a very difficult adjustment. Talk about the crucible!
Among other things, we had very different ideals in terms of housekeeping. This continues to be a problem, though far less than it was. We have more-or-less resolved it by agreeing that individuals can be as sloppy as they want in their own space, but not in the family spaces (living room, family room, etc.). It should be mentioned that this is certainly not just a poly issue. My son is in a “traditional” dyad and he’s going through the same thing with his girlfriend - he’s neat and organized, she’s more of a slob...
In terms of personal space, we've had to define that several times. Initially, we had two bedrooms - theirs and ours (the two original couples). This led to some bad feelings over not being equal. I.e., if you’re a Primary, and I’m a Primary, why do we have a couple distinction about the bedrooms?
After that, we tried to even things out by determining that no one had their own bedroom. That didn’t work very well, because our personal items, clothes, etc. needed to be kept somewhere “neutral.”
Our current arrangement is that the two women in the Quad each have their own bedrooms. We have found, in our particular group, that the women (one more than the other) are much more possessive about space than the guys are. Maybe it’s that nesting instinct. Our bedrooms are our most personal space, and we want to arrange them the way we want them to be, without interference from anyone else.
Aside from making us more comfortable, this arrangement has cut down on a lot of confusion. It used to be that we were all nomads, wandering from one bedroom to another (with a schedule of course).
The guys have some space too, though they don’t have their own bedrooms. One of them has his own study (he works from home). The other does a lot of "handyman" projects, so the garage/shed are kind of his space. It's important that everyone feels they have a place of their own.
As with everything else, we have to keep our options flexible, so no one builds up any resentments. If the current arrangement becomes a problem for anyone, hopefully we'll discuss it and try to find another way to handle it.
Time - This was an issue at first, and still is to a lesser degree. Maybe the heading should actually be Time and Energy, because the lack of energy tends to be more of a problem than the lack of time. We all share our time pretty well. We have Alone time, Dyad time, Triad time, Quad time, and Family time. All of these are important, so our lives are pretty full. There's still never enough time...
Attention - Another potential trouble spot. This is particularly true when two members of a group are deep in the throes of New Relationship Energy (NRE). It can lead to resentment, insecurity, and jealousy from the other loves. It's important to reassure those lovers that they are not being replaced and they are not loved any less, nor are they inferior to the new love.
This is still an issue for us. One member of the Quad is willing to do more for one particular individual than for another. This has led to resentments at times. It's all a balancing act, and sometimes we fall...
Sleeping Arrangements - This topic is closely tied in with a number of others - space, time, attention, and sex - but is important enough (IMO) to merit it's own section. Sleeping arrangements need to be acceptable by all members of the group, or it can lead to unnecessary hurt feelings, etc.
I know that some groups handle sleeping arrangements very casually and/or spontaneously, waiting until evening to ask someone to share their space. That's fine, if it works for them. That method does not work for us.
The main drawback is that someone could feel hurt and unwanted. I.e., if all three people wanted to be with me, I'd have to choose one of them, thus “rejecting” the others. This can set up an atmosphere of competition and jealousy, as well as a feeling of deprivation.
We simply don’t have a big enough bed for all of us! So... we have tried various sleeping arrangements.
We tried spending two weeks with each of the opposite sex and then switching. That didn’t work, for two reasons - 1) During the off weeks, it was too long to be apart for those with New Relationship Energy and 2) The bisexual relationship was given short shrift.
After that, we tried reducing it to one week. The problems were not much improved. So we tried switching to every other night. This was better in terms of New Relationship Energy, but the bisexual relationship was still inadequately addressed. It was also harder to schedule, because there are seven days in a week, which isn't divisible by the number of dyads we had to schedule time for.
Our current arrangement, which is working very well (and has been for almost two years), is that my husband (technically speaking) sleeps with me on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays - while the other guy sleeps with his wife. On Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, the guys sleep in the other bedroom.
On Sunday, my female lover sleeps with me, while each of the guys sleeps alone - one on the sofa-bed and the other in Misty's bedroom. It's important to note that this is all a guideline; it's not set in stone. If someone feels a need to be with a specific partner on a given night, we work that out.
Although the bisexual relationship is still given less time (in terms of sleeping together) than the heterosexual relationships, this arrangement has been acceptable. It's really almost moot anyway, as far as I'm concerned. I am an absolute night owl. I rarely come to bed before five or six a.m., so it’s more of a shift change than it is sleeping together. This has caused it's own share of negative feelings, but I've tried to change it, and not had much success. If anything, my Spice generally get to cuddle with me or sleep with me for a rather short period of time. In our house, there is someone awake almost twenty-four hours a day! I'm sure this would not be very feasible for most groups, though...
Sex - One of the most exciting aspects of poly relationships, it can also be one of the most difficult. New Relationship Energy can lead to negative feelings when sexual energy is unequally distributed. That has certainly happened in our family, and is an issue we're still working on.
I think it's important to mention that sexual relations don't necessarily coincide with the sleeping arrangements. I.e., I can make love with one of my Spice, even if it isn't on a night that we're scheduled to sleep together. This was a difficult point to reach. In the beginning of our relationship, there were feelings of anger, betrayal, and deprivation - “You slept with _____ on my night!?”
All of the issues discussed in these pages will become even more complicated if (or when) one of us develops a Secondary relationship, or if we ever have the opportunity to add other loves to our family. We are (hopefully) prepared to deal with these possibilities and changes.
We are all trying to work out our own issues and hang-ups, absorbed through a lifetime of family and societal exposure - jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness, sharing, etc. It's a learning experience (and an un-learning experience!). So long as we're willing to learn and grow, our lives can be full and abundant. For me, for now, life is good...
I hope you will find something useful within these pages. I have shared my thoughts, my feelings, my history, my trust, my beliefs, my time, my energy, and myself with you through this communication. Thank you for the opportunity.
For what it's worth, all of my Spice have read and approved this document, with very minor changes.
P.S. IMO, the words of the Desiderata are always good to live by.
May we all find the pleasures that feed our souls
09/24/07