Title - Slip of the Heart - Part 2
Author - Rachel Brown
e-mail address - uroc2@unm.edu
Rating - PG
Category - UST, M/S A
Spoilers - Reference to the Pilot
Keywords - Mulder/Scully Romance
Summary - Mulder and Scully both re-evaluate how they feel about
each other separately and Scully finally "explains" what she had
meant to Mulder.

Disclaimer: The following story is based on characters that are copyrighted by Ten Thirteen Productions, created by Chris Carter, and are the property of the Fox network. They are used without permission, but no infringement is intended.

Slip of the Heart - Part 2

Just as Mulder had suspected, he hadn't been able to sleep much the rest of the weekend. In fact, he hadn't been able to think about anything but Scully and what she had said to him. He thought about it constantly: In the shower and when he ate (assuming he could eat). But, he spent most of the weekend just lying on his couch and staring up at the ceiling.

He knew that he was just asking for trouble by indulging himself like that, because now, he had built it up so much in his mind that, if she said something to take it back or if he had completely misunderstood the situation, it was going to hurt…really bad.

He had thought about many things that weekend. He had begun to evaluate how he felt about his partner. He had known for a long time that he loved her. But he was never exactly sure what form that love took. She had always seemed so absolutely perfect to him, so it was logical to think that the love was romantic and that he wanted it to go beyond friendship at some point. But at the same time, what they had, just the way they were now, was so special. He had never experienced anything quite like it before and he didn't know if he really wanted to do anything to change it. Although, if it did change, there was nothing that said that it would necessarily change for the worse.

He also thought that maybe what he felt for her was simply an extremely powerful kind of platonic love. The pure, unconditional kind that was based on nothing but the mutual bond they had between them.

But then, inevitably, his mind had begun to wonder…and he began to envision himself touching her, holding her…kissing her. The visions had caused startling reactions in his body and he realized that, even though the love was indeed pure, unconditional and based on a strong, mutual bond, whatever the love was that he felt for her, it was definitely something more than platonic.

Then he began to wonder how long he had felt this way about her. He couldn't pinpoint any specific moment or even time period when things had changed. Or had they never actually changed at all? Had he always felt this way and just hadn't known it?

He thought back to the first time they had met. It had been a long time ago but he forced himself to remember what his reaction had been then. It took a while, but he was eventually able to remember the encounter perfectly, moment for moment. She had walked into his lonely basement office, he hadn't seen her walk in because he was too busy trying to make himself look like he was busy doing something important. Then, finally, he had looked up at her and…warning bells had rung loudly in his head. Suddenly the male side of him had been brought to full attention as he had looked at his beautiful partner for the first time. One word had entered his mind: 'Trouble.' So he had decided in an instant to suppress his male libido and take control over himself, and that's exactly what he did. He shook her hand and made some snide remark at her expense and things continued from there. Although, he did seem to remember nearly losing control again when he had seen how beautiful she had looked with the light from the slide projector illuminating her face. But he had quickly gotten over it and proceeded to test the limits of his new partner's patience. He chuckled as he remembered what she had said, "Do you have a theory?" Boy, would she soon learn that she would never need to ask him that question again!

Alright, so he had been instantly attracted to her…so what? She was an attractive woman, that was only natural. But no…it was more than that. Because Mulder was beginning to realize that, while he had been trying to ignore his attraction, something much deeper had been building inside of him. Something that he was only just beginning to understand and figure out for himself.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

(At the end of the day on Monday)

Scully looked at her watch nervously. It was almost time. She had decided that she would give Mulder her "explanation" right before she had to go home for the day. That way, she wouldn't have to face him immediately afterwards and they would both have a whole night apart before seeing each other the next morning. Hopefully, by then, they would be able to pretend like it had never happened. She had toyed with the idea of just dropping it completely and not bringing it up at all. But, she could tell that it had been on Mulder's mind at least a few times that day and she didn't like the uncomfortable tension it had caused. Plus, if she didn't say what she had been planning to say to him soon, she was sure it would eat away at her constantly. Her hands were cold and trembling and her stomach was tense and fluttery. Scully didn't think she had felt this nervous since high school.

She decided it was time and looked over at her partner who was absorbed in a file he was reading. God, look at him… she thought wistfully. Could she really do this? Could she really walk right over to this man who trusted her completely and lie to him? She had to, for the sake of everything they had. Their work and partnership, their friendship, their goals…the fate of everything they had together depended on how she handled this situation. And after going over and over it in her mind; after contemplating every possible outcome to every possible choice she could make, she had decided with absolute certainty that the best thing to do, was to lie. Of course, it wouldn't be a total lie. It just wouldn't be the whole truth. She had decided that that would have to be enough. At least for now.

Scully decided she had waited long enough.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mulder had been staring at the same words on the same page of the same file for the past ten minutes. It was almost time to go home for the day and Scully still hadn't said anything about what had happened this weekend. He had had a hard time thinking of anything else all day. He couldn't work like this. They had to talk about this soon or else the whole thing would eat away at him for who knows how long. He glanced up at Scully briefly who was working silently in her little area across from him. God, look at her… he thought to himself. He looked back down at his file. He decided that before she left, he was going to bring it up. It didn't matter what the outcome was, they had to discuss this and get past it, one way or the other. Their work would suffer otherwise, it was inevitable.

Suddenly Scully began to rustle some of the papers she had been working on and began to put them in her briefcase. "Well, I think I'm gonna call it a day" she said, as she stood up, getting her things together. Mulder felt like he had about a million butterflies flying around in his stomach…Oh God, it's now or never… he thought. He cleared his throat, "Okay. Um…Scully? Do you think you could wait a few minutes? There's something I think we should talk about…" he said, trying his hardest to keep his voice even. Scully looked up at him in surprise. She seemed to be frozen in place for just a moment and then her face relaxed and she chuckled softly, "Actually Mulder, I was planning on saying something to you about that right now."

"Oh…" was all Mulder could say. His whole body tensed as he watched her take a few slow steps toward him. She wasn't looking directly at him, she actually seemed to be focusing on something stationary on his desk, she looked like she was planning carefully what she wanted to say before she said it. Mulder smiled inwardly at that, that was just like Scully.

Finally, Scully began to speak. She was slowly wringing her hands nervously in front of her, but other than that, her voice was steady and she seemed completely cool…also just like Scully. "Mulder, I realize what I said to you over the phone Saturday night was…unprofessional, and I want to apologize." Scully began. Mulder just looked at her, she obviously had a whole speech planned and he wanted to hear it. She continued, "I also want to explain what it was that prompted me to say something like that in the first place. Mulder, we've been working together for over five years now and we've become extremely close. In fact, I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that we are probably the most important people in each other's lives…at least for right now. And even though we don't express how we feel very often…especially not verbally…the fact of the matter is that I do love you, Mulder. Platonically and unconditionally…but that's all. And I expect the same is true for you. Whether or not you want to admit it." Scully attempted a slight smile at that point, but Mulder just continued to stare at her. His jaw had become clenched by this time and he was trying very hard to keep the emotions he was feeling from showing on his face. He was especially conscious of his eyes, and made sure that they didn't betray what he was actually feeling at that moment. He still didn't say anything. He had decided somewhere in the middle of her brief speech that he wasn't going to make this easy on her. When Scully realized she wasn't going to get any response out of Mulder, she continued, "Anyway, Mulder, I just wanted to apologize for creating so much confusion and I wanted to try to explain this to you so that we could possibly relieve some of that confusion and get on with our work as we always have."

Mulder nodded slowly, "Okay. Well, thanks for clearing that up. See you tomorrow?" He said, probably a bit colder and more curt than he had intended. He didn't want to be mean, but a very strong part of him really wanted to hurt her right then and make her feel as bad as he did. It was so easy for her, she was laying down the law while his heart was breaking. Unfortunately, as it turned out, he only felt worse when he saw the flicker of hurt cross Scully's face after he said what he did. Mulder could swear he saw tears in her eyes, and he wanted to kill himself right then. Here she was, mustering up the courage to say what she did to him, and he had the gall to hurt her feelings because of it. But even though it made him feel worse to do so, his damaged ego prevented him from taking it back.

Scully pressed her lips together and then took a deep breath before saying, "Yeah…I'll see you tomorrow." Then she abruptly turned away from him and walked out of the office, closing the door firmly behind her.

Once she was safely out of the office, Mulder could finally stop trying to hold back his emotions. Tears stung his eyes as he stared at the door she had just left through. He felt like there was a really big, empty hole where his heart had just been. He doubted it was even beating anymore. Of course, considering the fact that Scully had pretty much just ripped it out of his chest and slam dunked it into the waste basket with all the other unwanted garbage, he figured that feeling was understandable.

Mulder buried his head in his hands and rubbed his face slowly. Then a thought occurred to him. And since it was the only thought that could possibly relieve any of his misery, he went with it. He sat back in his chair, smiled softly to himself and said, "liar…."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Scully couldn't remember if she had ever felt worse in her life as she made her way down the basement hallway to the elevator. She wasn't exactly sure what she had expected Mulder to say, but she certainly thought he'd say a bit more than that. Scully was relieved to find the elevator unoccupied as she stepped inside. It wasn't until the elevator doors closed in front of her that she finally let go. Her face crumpled and she bowed her head, squeezing her eyes shut. Two big tears ran down her cheeks as she sobbed softly to herself. It was then when she realized the real reason behind the pain she was feeling. And she realized that it wasn't Mulder's fault, it was hers. She leaned against the back of the elevator and raised two tear-filled eyes towards the ceiling as she took in a shaky breath and swore softly to herself, "liar…."

To be continued…

Any comments are welcome!! Send any to: uroc2@unm.edu