Empty Arms
An Overview
During the few years that we were not using any kind of contraceptive, it was pretty easy for me to say, "God is in control....He knows what is best....In His Time."
Then we found out that I may not be able to have babies, and I was put on Clomid. It became harder and harder to say those things with each negative pregnancy test I got.
To be totally honest (and this is going to sound VERY brutal) sometimes I wish I didn't know God was in control. There are many scripture verses that talk about the blessings of having children, and it seems like it would be easier to accept my barrenness as coincidence rather than part of God's divine plan for my life. But then I read Romans 8:28, "And we know all things work together for good to them that love God..." (Please note: not all things ARE good, but all things work FOR good).
So, for some reason, it must be God's will right now for me to be childless. And somtimes that is one hard pill to swallow! I am sure that Jesus was frustrated and disappointed by many things in His time here on earth and yet He prayed, "Not my will, but Thine be done."
I used to think that my feelings were wrong. But they are not. What is wrong is letting my feelings rule my actions. My faith in an all-powerful, loving God can help me get on with things in spite of those feelings.
Feelings
I'm sure every childless woman has her own set of feelings, but I'm also quite sure that there are a few basic ones that we all, to some extent, experience.
Just the thought of a baby brings tears to my eyes.
Learning that an infertile couple has conceived,
brings a feeling of joy and hope.
Learning that someone who is pregnant doesn't want
to be, brings such a helpless, angry feeling that
it is hard to describe.
Seeing and hearing about the millions of abortions
each year brings such a feeling of hatred for the
person that invented the process!
***I can not emphasize enough that if you have had an abortion, I do NOT hate YOU! If you had an abortion willfully, God will forgive you..it is not my place to judge you. Some who have had abortions just didn't know any better (though, from my point of view, it seems impossible to not know that it is not right). And, unfortunately, there are some that had abortions against their will.....and God be with those of you that fall into that category.***
When an unmarried co-worker started sleeping with her boyfriend (thinking it was "Ok to not use protection...because they were careful"), I was not surprised when she told me she was pregnant. I wrote this poem not long after she disclosed the news to me.
Update
It has been quite sometime since I made this page. I am so thankful to all who have visited it and signed my guestbook. May God bless you all. We've been through some rather rough months here lately. Haven't really even been trying to have a baby. The doctor suggested premature ovarian failure. We tried Clomid for a few months and then gave up in discouragement. Instead of clinging to each other, we drifted apart. I was quite mad at God and felt very frustrated and helpless. It took a couple pretty harsh "slaps in the face" to get me back on track. I've quit tugging on the leash (see the poem "I Quit") and have started making my way back to the comforting support of God's arms.
Mother's Day 2000
All I ever wanted was to be was a Mom. Whenever my friends and I played "House", I was always the Mom. Sometimes I had an outside job, sometimes I was "just a Mom". When I talked with my best friend about our future, I'd always say, "When I'm a mom..." or "When I have kids..." I never dreamed it wouldn't happen. I never prepared myself for the possibility that I wouldn't be a Mom. Maybe that is why I am having such a difficult time with this. I wrote a poem today. It is dedicated to one of my best friends. She is a sustaining force in my life.
Thank you all for your continued prayers!
Update 2001
I'm not sure what to even say here, right now. I feel more in need of encouragement than able to encourage. But I guess you all have been there, too. If you would like to chat, you can look me up on MSN Messenger using my e-mail address (justalamb2@hotmail.com). Sometimes you can even find me on AIM, screen name=justalamb2.
Here is a poem that I wrote not too long ago.
It is about miscarriages.
I do not claim to know how women who have
had multiple miscarriages feel.
It has got to be excruciating!
A friend of mine from church has a
daughter-in-law who has had many miscarriages.
Part of me is jealous that she actually has
seen a positive pregnancy test,
has felt a life moving within her, and has
Babies in Heaven
