THE BOOK OF YAM
The Old Testament
Genesis - The Story Of Creation
1 In the beginning, when God created the universe,
2 the earth was formless and desolate. Everything was engulfed
in a raging ocean of blackness, and God was moving over the water.
3 Over the process of six "days" God created the universe and
everything within it. 4 It is believed by many that God then
rested on the seventh day, and deemed it as a religious sabbath.
5 This is an untruth. 6 On the seventh day God did relax
7 but God felt the urge to create one final sentient being, to
grace his Earth. 8 The almighty Yamcumber, 9 righteous feeder
of nations, 10 just educator of the unintelligent, 11 honor-
-able savior of the penitent, 12 was the first true blessing
graced upon the earth by God. 13 On the seventh day, God
created the most blessed vegetable 14 and the Yamcumber was kept
in the heavens one "day" to be educated in all things present in
the universe. 15 Then God commanded, "Go to Earth and watch
over all things, being an impassive observer, and reporting to
me any inconsistencies, so that I may use my divine power to correct
all that is wrong," 16 and on the eighth day God sent the
omniscient Yamcumber to observe the earth, 17 and God was pleased.
Mohequahamanitulemus - The Story Of Noah's Arc
1 For many centuries the Yamcumber watched the earth grow 2 and
tried to be as helpful to the world and to God as one vegetable
could be. 3 However, it all became too much and over time the
people of earth turned from God, and his divine power. 4 And
lo, it came to pass that the people were triste, 5 for they had
forgotten the Lord and his supreme covenant with them. 6 For
at that time, our Lord God, 7 savior of the world and redeemer
of all that which is not the Yamcumber, 8 which is 9 of
10 God 11 and all that 12 is pure's 13-19 populace 20
were benighted to God's way. 21 And so the Lord our God,
creator of all creation, doer of all that which is cogent,
punisher of all that is evil and unjust 22 searched out his
last believer. 23 He found a man named Noah. 24 God said
unto Noah, "Thy people worship the moon, 25 they profane my
name and have forgotten all that is just and good! 26 I will
cast thy people into the fiery pits of conflagrent hell. where the
ir souls shall burn for an eternity of eternities!" 27 "Forgive
my people Lord, they have forgotten the Yamcumber, 28 but de-
stroy them not, for they are of the most retarded of all syco-
phant creatures that roam the Earth." 29 "Fuck you, and thine
breech licking manner," did say the Lord, 30 "fuck you and all
thine people." 31 When Noah heard this, he became very angry at
the Lord. 32 "I have been your servant my entire life, 33 I
deserve to prove my worth to you. Let me serve." 34 After some
time God decided that a flood which would last 40 days and 40
nights was necessary to cleanse the world. 35-36 The Lord told
Noah of the oncoming storm, and just to keep from having to work
another day in his life, God told Noah to save two of each animal,
male and female, and to build an arc to survive the oncoming storm.
37 Noah did as he was told, built the arc, collected the animals,
and prepared for the oncoming storm. 38 The storm began, in
all it's fury 39 and destruction fell upon all life, except that
which sought shelter in the arc. 40 As the rain stopped Noah
sent a dove out to find dry land 41 and at this time God spoke
to Noah, and said "Noah, I have been thinking. I now realize what
a complete and total mistake your entire race was. I am going to
start completely anew." 42 Then from the heavens came a horrible
mix of fire and lightning 43 that rose Noah up on high, and ceased
his life in a glorious, agonizing explosion. 44 And it was
then that the pious Yamcumber turn it's back on the Lord, and began to
doubt the grace of God.
Crucible - The Trial
1 Here on, the Yamcumber began to try to devise ways to help see
God see his misgivings and his wrongdoings, 2 and to revert him
to his holy and divine ways. 3 This took all the power of the Yamcumber,
4 planning and preparing for the great battle which was to ensue.
5 The Yamcumber knew that he was puny in comparison 6 to the
immense power of the Lord. 7 So it was decided that the best
weapon in the Yamcumber's arsenal 8 was his immense knowledge.
9 And lo, it came to pass, that as time went on the Yamcumber continued
to study the world, 10 one fateful afternoon, the Lord came to
the Yamcumber, 11 and asked him what he had been studying.
12 The Yamcumber replied "You, divine one." 13 This was confusing
to the Lord, 14 for he had not seen the Yamcumber in the longest
time. 15 "This is not possible, 16 I have not been with you
in so long." 17 "True ," replied the Yamcumber, "rather, I
have been studying your past actions, 18 and their implications
on the earth." 19 Again, God was thrown aback. 20 "I know
of nothing that I could have done 21 that would be so great as
to be studied, that you would not already know all about."
22 "I have not been studying one of your great creations, 23 but
rather the destruction of the greatest. I still am confused as to why
you felt the need to kill 24 even the people who still believed
in your grace and power." 25 "It disturbs me that you would dwell
on such a horrible thing," sayeth the Lord, 26 "but I will explain
myself to you, if you can answer my question. 27 What is the
only true fruit of the spirit? 28 You have three days to think of
an answer, 29 and on the third day I shall come to you.
30 If you have the answer, I will explain my actions, and create a
new race of people. 31 If you do not have the answer, you shall
lose everything, ending with your life." 32 The Lord left the
Yamcumber to ponder in silence for the next three days. 33 The
Yamcumber began his train of thought with the reasoning that the
fruits of the spirit were peace, love, joy, spam, and so on,
34 but then he remembered God saying that there was only one true fruit.
35 The Yamcumber could not think of one of those fruits that
could be the only true fruit. 36 He searched all his great caverns
of diverse knowledge, 37 and still could produce no one answer.
38 His time was growing thin, when the spirit of Noah came to
him 39 and said "Look within yourself. 40 You are what you are
not." As the Yamcumber tried to ask a final question, Noah vanished.
41 The Yamcumber seemed to be able to decipher no answer from
this. 42 As he pondered, his time ran out 43 and the Lord appeared
to the almighty Yamcumber. 44 "Have ye an answer?" For a moment,
the Yamcumber was still stunned. 45 As he was about to say he
didn't know, 46 the answer came to him in a bright flash. 47-48 "I am the fruit of the spirit.
Even though I am a vegetable, I am one of your creations, and you
meant the Holy Spirit, not the soul. I am a fruit of your labor,
so I am a fruit of the Spirit."
49 "Even I am amazed at your knowledge. You have truly grown.
50 Now what I promised you. If the people of the earth had that
easy of a time turning away from me, 51 even with you watching,
then they had no chance of being reverted, and the entire race was lost
52 You have more power than you realize my son. 53 Education
is the key to all power. 54 If there is anything you ever wanted
, you could get it from what you know. 55 I hope that is a good
enough answer for you. And now if you wish, I will recreate the
human race." 56 The Yamcumber was overjoyed with this knowledge,
57 and said "Yes I do wish to see the return of the human race,
58 but to safeguard yourself, make them all innately religious
toward you. 59 Then you should have no problems with them turning
against you." 60 God agreed, and together they set about to making the new humans.