But isn't it a kind of dichotomy that the sufferer who is slowly starving to death to achieve total control of her body, becomes utterly unable, toward the end of the illness, to function independently at all. Hospitalization and tube-feeding are often indicated and carried out when the patient refuses to eat or drink. How do I know this? Well, as the over-done cliche goes, "Been there, done that, bought the shirt". Sometimes I would go for weeks eating nothing but vegetables and exercising my muscles into frenetic spasms. And for what? For SOME kind of control over a particular aspect of my disturbed life that nobody could take away from me, or so I thought.
The borderline firestorm ignites with as little a spark as a sideways glance or a casual comment, like, "Oh, it looks as if you've gained a bit of weight". This can be devastating and can lead to months, even years, of self-imposed starvation. My poem, "Anorexic At the Fair" has a disturbing background for a reason, and that reason is not to repulse or frighten. It is, rather, a graphic illustration of the tremendous agony it is to actually starve yourself half to death.
Karen Carpenter's death from anorexia nervosa in 1982 brought the disease blaring into the media with the wild cacaphony of a mild Apocolypse. Suddenly, films were being done about the illness, like "The Best Little Girl In the World", based on the book by Steven Levonkron and starring a then-anorexic Jrnnifer Jason Leigh. Other films followed, but that, and the more recent one starring actual anorexic survivor Tracey Gold are the best of the crop.
"Firestorm" is the raging inferno of HUNGER. Nothing is more agonizing than watching "normal" (how I hate that word!) people eat effortlessly and without thinking how in Hell can they burn it off? We sit there amid plenty, in one of the most wealthy countries in the world and yet our bodies shrink smaller and smaller until feeding tubes are shoved up our noses and we are force-fed products like Ensure, a type of liquid nutrition.
Do you have to be borderline to be anorexic or bulimic? I do not know for certain, for eating disorders usually accompany other psychological problems. But as for claiming that you HAVE to be borderline because you suffer from an eating disorder is not really being accurate or realistic.
I have not yet overcome my "anorexic/bulimic firestorm". It still sparks into a red-hot flame over something as silly as a favourite pair of jeans suddenly feeling too tight, or looking longingly at thinner women, like model Kate Moss, and wanting that instead of what looks back at me in the mirror. Currently, my weight is in a normal range but fluxuates between normal and skinny. I am determined never to weigh more than 110 pounds, as I am only five foot three inches tall.
Are any of you engulfed in a firestorm? Are you seeking help? I will not pussy-foot around this: If you have a serious eating disorder and you are not seeking or receiving treatment, you could die. People have, and they still will. I don't want to hear about anymore poor souls who have had all of their flesh and organs literally consumed.
Please take care of yourselves. As I have said before, you matter and you are significant. And your net worth is NOT measured by the number on the scale. This may sound hypocritical, given what I have divulged about myself, but just because I am not strong enough yet doesn't mean that all of you must stay stuck in the blaze. Douse the flame. Eat something. Please. And DON'T purge it afterward!