Once there was a lady married to a man that was fairly good in bed. The problem was that he beat her quite frequently. After running away from the first man, she was married to a man that was very good in bed. But he left her for a younger girl.
Finally, she placed an ad in the paper: "Looking for man that is good in bed that will not beat me or leave me for someone younger."
One day, the doorbell rang. There on her step was a man with no arms and legs. She looked at him and puzzled, said, "What do you want?"
The half-man says..." I am answering your ad."
The woman smiles and says: "Well, I can see that you would not beat me. And also that you could not leave me. But how can you be good in bed?"
His answer: "Rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. Oh no, she thought, I'm not gonna like this. But, resigned to her fate, she called on the young fellow.
"Little Johnny," she asked, "Which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."
The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and I heard strange noises. I look into the keyhole and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'God, I'm coming!'"
On the wedding night, she got the first indication that things might not go according to plan. Her new husband sprang out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a condom, earplugs, and a nose-clip. "Good God," she gasped, "what's all that for?"
"There's two things I can't stand," he replied. "The smell of rubber burning, and the sound of a woman screaming."
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