A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"

So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing
"Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've already had two warnings!"

"Yaiiks!"

When the wife found her husband was gay, she turned around and took it like a man.

There were these two fags. One said to the other, "Hey we can't live on just love alone. One of us has to get a job so he goes out and finds a job."

The next morning he gets out bed and begins to take off his clothes, so he can take a shower and get ready for work. The other fag sees him and also takes off his clothes. The first says to him, "I don't have time for this. I have to get ready for work." He goes into the shower and when finished, comes out, looks across the room and sees friend standing naked. He has a rubber on his cock and is stroking it with one hand while the other held a brown paper sack.

"I told you I don't have time for this. What are you doing anyway?"
The other fag replies, "I'm packing you a sack lunch. When the noon break comes, we can't let you go hungry, you know."

A gay guy went to the doctor complaining of a major pain in his rectum...The doctor examined him and pulled out a bouquet of roses exclaiming, "You won't believe it but I just pulled a bouquet of roses out of your ass."

The gay guy replied, "Forget the roses... what does the card say?"

Two Montana cowboys were riding along when they came upon a ewe. Her head was caught in a barbed-wire fence. The first cowboy gets off his horse, drops his pants, and has sex with the ewe. When he's finished he turns to his friend and says, "Ok, its your turn.

The second cowboy gets off his horse, drops his pants, and puts his head through the fence.

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a rugged paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop-leader said to the young man, "IF YOU DON''T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I'LL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!"

A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, "Did you jump?"
The boy said, "A little at first!"

A woman went in for a physical the other day. The doctor asked her to disrobe. When she did the doctor noticed she had a big red "H" on her chest. The doctor said: "That's strange. How did you get the red `H' on your chest?"

The woman replied: "My husband went to Harvard and he loved the school so much he never takes his block sweater off...even when we make love."

Several days later; another woman came into the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor went through the same routine. After she disrobed, the doctor noticed she had a big "M" on her chest. Not wanting to appear stupid, the doctor said: "Your boyfriend must have gone to Michigan."

The woman responded" "I don't know what you are talking about, but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin."

SEVEN survivors staggered a shore from the shipwreck, six women and a man. They were civilized about it. The women decided they should each have the bloke for one night each and he could rest on Sundays. The bloke agreed with relish, but as the weeks went on he realized what a physical commitment he had undertaken.

One day he spotted a raft with a lone figure paddling towards the island. It was a man. Elated at finding unexpected help, the bloke ran into the shallows to help him ashore.

The guy on the raft waved a handkerchief to him and said "Oh, Hello Big Boy!"
"Oh shit," said the rescuer, "there goes my Sundays."

In a public rest room, a man said to another, "I hate to impose, but I do not have the use of my hands. Would you be so kind as to unzip my fly?"

The stranger, reluctantly, did so.
"And if you will be so kind as to remove my organ, please?"
The helpful fellow obliged.
After urinating the man said "I'd be so grateful if you'd just shake it a few times."

Having compiled with this latest request, the man smiled at his benefactor, tucked in his penis and said, "I thought my nail polish would never dry."

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

A woman goes to the doctor's office. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on."
"Could you describe the symptoms to me ?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance ?" he asked.

Embarrassed and slightly non-pulsed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs she replied "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other than himself.

Well, the man thought about it for a while and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian.

The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees!"

Ben, a local hunter, went into his favorite bar and ordered six double vodkas. Bob, the bartender said, "Wow, you must have had a bad day."

"Yeah", said Ben,"I just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day Ben showed up and again ordered six doubles. Bob said, "What, more problems."
And Ben replied, "Damn right, I just found out that my younger brother is gay."
The third day, the same routine, six doubles. Bob said, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah," said Ben, "I just found out my wife does. "

A couple of homosexual men are accidentally rear-ended by a large truck at a stop sign one afternoon.

Furious, the man in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, Steps out of the car, then walks back to the truck and starts banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the homosexual, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "We're gonna sue your ass!"

The truck driver smirks, says, "Blow me, buddy!"

The homosexual stands there for moments thinking, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe this... he wants to settle out of court!"

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two worked side by side and the ranch was doing very well. The one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

"You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands, he did as he was told.
"Now," said she, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said,
"DON'T YOU EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES TO TOWN AGAIN!"

There's this gay guy that goes to the zoo. He's having a great old time feeding the monkeys and giraffes.

He goes over to the ape cage, and makes some silly faces at the ape. All of a sudden, the ape reaches through the bars, and grabs the guy, and pulls him into the cage.

WHAM! The ape slams the gay guy against the wall. SMASH! he takes him and throws him onto the floor. RIP! He tears off all his clothes.

The ape bends the guy over, and SMOOSH! jams his big ape dick right up his ass, and then WHAM! He slams him on his back onto the floor. Then, BAM! SMOOSH! The ape pounces on top of him, and does poor gay guy again.

This poor guy is all beaten up and bloody. The ambulance arrives and rushes him to the hospital.

The next day, the guy's boyfriend swishes into the hospital room, and sees him, and says: "OH MY GOD! Look at you! You're all bloody, and your arm is broken, and your leg is broken! How do you feel??"

And the gay guy says: "How should I feel? He doesn't call, he doesn't write..."

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"

Joe and Bill have been sharing a prison cell for months. The absence of conjugal visits is taking a toll on them. One evening as they talk about how much they miss sex, Joe says to Bill, "Would you ever give a guy a blow job?"

"No way!" says Bill.
"Me neither," says Joe. "How about for money?"
"No way!" says Bill.
"Me neither. What if you were paid a million dollars?" says Joe.
"Well," says Bill, "I guess I would do it for a million dollars."

"Yeah, I think I would too for a million dollars." says Joe. "Hey Bill, how about I do you and you do me and we call it even?"

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