Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

A man walks into a bar and the bartender eyes him up and down and says, "You know, I want to compliment you. You have a great physic. Your bodybuilding trainer must be the best. I do have one question though. Why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly and has obviously fielded this question many times. Then he relates: "One day I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard this voice crying for help and realized it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. I picked him up and it says, 'Kiss me. If you kiss me I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.`

"I looked around to make sure there were any watchers and kissed that frog. ((((Poof))), it turned into a voluptuous looking woman. Say said, 'You now have three wishes.`

"I looked down at my one hundred and fifteen pound scrawny body and said, 'I want a body like that Arnold Schwartzneger guy.`

She nodded and whispered a spell and (((poof))), there I was another Arnold. The change left me busting out of my clothes so there I stood mostly naked. "And you second wish?"

"'You know what I want.... to make love to you.' and we did right there by that sensuous stream. It took hours to satisfy her, but my time with her was worth it. Then we lay looking at each other and finally she said, 'And your third wish?`

"I looked at her and replied, 'What about a little head?' "

A fellow walks into a bar carrying a shopping bag and finds himself an empty stool. Sitting the shopping bag down on the bar, he settles himself and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?" Then he notices that the bag moved as though something alive were inside it. He makes a face to himself and then proceeds to the task of filling the man's order.

When the bartender places the mug of ale in front of his latest customer, he sees there is still movement coming from within that bag. Curiosity finally gets the best of him and he must ask: "What have you got in the bag?"

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a small piano, then reaches in once again and this time pulls out a small piano bench. In goes his hand again and with some dexterity, pulls out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.

The bartender says: "Wow, he sure can play that little piano. Where did you get him?"

Without answering, the man reaches once more into that shopping bag and pulls out a little genie lamp. He gives it to the bartender and says, "Here, rub it."

With an unbelieving yet quizzical look, the bartender said, "Is there a real genie in that lamp?"

"You just rub it and see," answers the man.

After the bartender rubs on the lamp for a minute or so, out pops a beautiful genie. "I will grant you one wish and one wish only," she says.

Thinking for only a moment, the bartender says, "OK, I want a million bucks."

The genie disappears and the two wait and wait but still nothing happens. The bartender shruggs his shoulders and just before walking away, since nothing was happening; a duck pops up beside the bar. Then another duck appears and quickly they began popping up all over the room. The bartender looks at the fellow and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Yes, I know," answered the fellow. "Do you think I wanted a 12 inch pianist?"

The former President Clinton was walking the beach one day when his foot tripped on a partially buried bottle. Picking it up, he wiped away the sand and noticed the label. Obviously the bottle was an antique from a long ago time. As he rubbed it to see more clearly, a black cloud came out and formed itself into a noticeable figure.

"Thank you, oh thank you for saving me from my years and years of imprisonment. I've been in there for a thousand years. Now I owe you a boon. To show my overwhelming gratitude I will grant you one wish. What'll it be?"

Clinton, being a world leader, knew exactly what to ask for. "Peace in the Middle East," he quickly replied.

The genie seemed confused. "Middle East? Strange name for a country. I don't remember such a place. Can you help me out a little?"

The president quickly had an atlas brought over from his limousine by one of the secret service agents and showed the genie the area of the globe most affected. He recounted briefly the geopolitical instability of the area. The genie's eyes widen and he says, "Oh yah, now I remember. This has been a troublesome place for thousands of years. Wow.... that's a tough one. They were born to fight and will never solve their problems. I'm afraid that's more than I can handle. Sorry. Can you wish for something else?"

Clinton, obviously crestfallen, since he missed such an opportunity to solve a world problem, could think of only one other wish. "Could you make the American people like my wife?"

The genie pauses, grimaces, then says, "Can I see that map again?"

A woman was walking down the street when she saw a magic lamp. She picked it up, rubbed it, a genie came out of the spout. "I am here to grant you three wishes," came a deep bass voice from the genie. "I just want you to know whatever you wish for, your husband will also receive it ten fold. That's just the way I operate."

The women said, "OK," and, of all things, wished she could be a great golfer. All her life she wanted to be a golfing pro and be part of the pro-circuit.

The genie said that would be no problem, but reminded her, her husband would most likely become such a great golfer he'd be in the PGA.

It was done...

Next the women asked for 1 million dollars and the genie reminded her, her husband would receive 10 million dollars.
That was done....
"And for my last wish.. could you give me a teenie, teenie, weenie heart attack?"

Did you hear about the guy on a beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it, and sure enough, out popped a Genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," replied the Genie. "But there's a catch."
The man was ecstatic. "What catch?" he inquired.

The Genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!""
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now every lawyer in the world has two Ferrari's," said the Genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now every lawyer in the world has two million dollars," said the Genie.
"What is your final wish?"
The man thought long and hard and finally said, "Well you know, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

Once upon a time there was a magic bridge. Anyone who dared to jump off from it and screamed what he wished would get what they wished. So three men went there to fulfill their wishes.

The first one jumped off the bridge and screamed "Millionaire!" He landed on a yacht.
The second man jumped off and screamed, "Eagle!" He became an eagle and flew above the cloud.
The last one was about to jump when he tripped over the sidewall and screamed, "Shit!"

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch-doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch-doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is, '1-2-3-4,' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news ... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1-2-3", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1-2-3' for?

King Arthur was to set off on yet another journey of quest and conquest etc, but he had the problem of what to do with his randy wife, the queen. He summoned Merlin and explained the problem.

Merlin said the problem is easily solved. "I have exactly the thing you need." announced the wizard. Merlin produced from a box of tricks a large latex vibrator and said to King Arthur that this magic wang would be more than enough to keep things well in hand. The queen could command it quite simply, and it would never fail to satisfy. All she had to do was utter the command `magic penis my cunt', and it would satisfy her every need until she gave the command `magic penis stop'.

Arthur demonstrated this to his randy wife that afternoon and it was fine. Arthur left on his crusade the very next morning secure in the knowledge that his wife would stay faithful.

Back at the castle the queen was feeling a little horny. She decided the magic penis would be put to its test and retired to her chamber for a monster diddle. All went well and orgasm after orgasm was achieved as the hours passed.

By this time the queen was just a trifle hungry and fancied a quick nibble. Unfortunately, through all that passion, she had forgotten the command to call off the magic penis and try as she might she couldn't get it right. In sheer desperation she prized it from her glory hole, but still it would not stop and tried desperately to re insert itself.

In a panic the queen ran, down the stairs, through the hall and out of the castle gate pursued by the crazed vibrator. As she passed the gate a guard asked of her why she was in such a rush. "I'm being chased by a magic penis!" she replied.

"Magic penis my arse..." said the guard and then screamed, "Arggggg!"
It had done just that to the fellow's rear and very proficiently at that!

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and grants her 3 wishes (she had no lamps to rub you see).

"Well now" says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
----Poof---- Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
----Poof---- She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the woman's favorite and adored cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Oh, dear, can you change him into a handsome prince? We've always been so close." she asks.
----Poof---- There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possible imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees knock, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

A wizard was strolling about the Botanic Gardens one day and noted two statues, a man statue and a woman statue, perched on each side of the path, staring at each other. "Look at that,' he murmured to himself. "They have been since Federation, in sun rain, heat and cold, draughts, floods and bush-fires and never a move. I will reward them." So he clicked his fingers and humanized the statues.

"As a reward for your patience," he told them, "you can have half an hour as humans."
The man statue looked at the woman statue and said, "Will we?"
"Yes, lets," giggled the woman statue.

So they retired behind some bushes, whence for some fifteen minutes came muffled sounds of gasps, giggles and grunts. Then they came out from behind the bushes, pink in the face, and dusting off turf and grass and ferns and lolly papers and beer can labels.

The wizard looked at his watch and said, "You still have fifteen minutes before you're back to being statues."

The woman statue said to the man statue, "Again?"
"Too right," said the man statue, 'only this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under the blazing sun for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies live in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.

Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes thing for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here! Make it a good one!"

The first guy, without thinking, blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer.

"Great move, Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy on the side of his head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!"

A tourist wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars.

The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain that her ex husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish... I'd like to give birth to twins."

Guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. Little man runs down his arm and kicks it over and runs back up to his shoulder. The man orders again and the little man runs down and kicks it over again and runs back up to his shoulder and sits. Happens over and over and finally the bartender says: "What gives?"

He says well about a year ago I found a Genie lamp rubbed it and the Genie came out to give me a wish. I wished for a 12 inch prick and that is what he gave me.

A young executive, despondent over the loss of his wife and the eminent disclosure of his embezzlement of a large sum of money from his company, walked out on the Golden Gate Bridge to jump and end it all. He climbed over the rail and just as he was about to let go a gnarled hand fell upon his arm. He turned and saw an ancient crone in a black cloak with a wrinkled face and stringy hair. "Don't jump" she rasped, "I'm a witch and I'll grant you three wishes for a slight consideration."

"I'm beyond help," he replied, and then he told her his troubles.

"No problem," she cackled. "Shazam! All the money is back in the proper accounts. Shazam! Your wife is home waiting for you with love in her heart. Shazam! You now have a personal bank account of two hundred million dollars."

The man was stunned, and after a few moments he expressed his deep appreciation and asked, "What is the consideration I owe you?" "You must spend the night making love to me," she answered, smiling toothlessly.

The idea of making love to the old crone repulsed him but, after all, it was certainly worth it, he thought. They retired to a nearby motel and in the morning with the distasteful ordeal over, he was dressing when the old bat still in the bed asked; "Say, sonny, how old are you?"

"I'm 45," he said, "Why do you ask?"
She replied, "Ain't you a little old to still believe in witches?"

Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball, but she was having a severe case of PMS. She was crabby and pissy and moody and generally not in the partying spirit.

Well, her fairy godmother again came to her rescue by providing Cinderella with a magic tampon. The fairy godmother said, "Put this in and your PMS will be gone. Just remember, you have to be home by the stroke of midnight or the magic tampon will turn into a pumpkin, and that is gonna be painful as hell to get out."

So, off Cinderella went to the ball in a great mood ready to dance the night away. Midnight comes and goes, however, and no Cinderella. Her fairy godmother is worried to death. 1am, 2am, 3am and no sign of Cinderella. Finally she comes home at 4am.

The fairy godmother was distraught. "What on earth happened to you?" she said. "What about the magic tampon. I've been worried sick about you!"

"Oh don't worry," Cinderella replied. "I met this really great guy named Peter-Peter something..."

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the Seven Dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs.

Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each other's shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this as echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, "Where did you get such a big lighter?"

The man replies, "See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish."

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, "That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he."
The guy replies, "Yeah. You think I asked for a 14 inch bic?"

Superman, Snow White and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were sitting around talking about their best qualities. Superman said, "I am considered to be the strongest man in the world."

Snow White said, "I am considered to be the fairest maiden in the world."
Hunchback said, "Well, I have the reputation of being the ugliest man in the world."

Superman suggested they go to the castle and see what Snow White's mirror had to say. Superman went in first. When he returned he said the mirror confirmed that he is still the strongest man in the world.

Snow White was next and when she joined the other two she said she was, indeed, still the fairest maiden in the world.

The Hunchback was next and when he came out he had a puzzled look on his face. He then asked the other two, "Who is Dennis Rodman?"

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks,
so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where only beautiful women reside."
POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

Three teenaged boys, Jason, Brian, Carl, were walking along one night on the town. They turned down a dark alley and after a few feet the boys heard a loud "squish" and a painful "quack".

The boys looked around and finally Carl looked under his feet and saw he had stepped on a duck. Then out from behind a trashcan, an old elderly voodoo lady came out and yelled a voodoo chant that they could not understand. The boys looked at each other in their confusion and asked the lady what she said. She just said she had placed a cursed on them. The boys then ran off in fright.

A week later, Carl and Jason were walking along and turned a corner seeing Brian kissing the most ugly, disgusting girl they had ever seen. The two of them shouted "What are you doing Brian?" He turned his head and replied, "I stepped on a duck!". The two didn't say anything and walked off to leave his friend and his newly found love alone.

Another week later, Carl and Brian were walking and turned a corner and saw Jason, kissing the most ugly and disgusting girl they had ever seen. The both of them shouted, "Hey, what are you doin Jason?".

Jason turned his head and replied, "I stepped on a duck!" Carl then began to catch on to what this "curse" was all about.

A month went bye and nothing happened. Then one day, Jason and Brian were walking along and turned a corner and saw Carl kissing the most beautiful girl they had ever laid their eyes on. They started shouting, "Yeah Carl! Way to go you stud!"

Then the girl turned her head and said, "I stepped on a duck!"

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL! Oh please don't hit the ball!"

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots, one for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some."

So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's great," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass.
"If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish.' And I said, "No shit?"

It was a black man...a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of Pepsi. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.

"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."

"OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.

Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into...a toilet!

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle. "Master, may I grant you one wish?" asked the genie with a smile.

"Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barked Rodman.
The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he said, "Okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed, "Now leave me alone!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle. The next morning, Rodman woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance.

Three men, a Newfoundlander, a Quebecer and an Albertan were walking along a country road one day when they came across an old lamp beside the road. One of them picked it up and rubbed it. Sure enough, out pops a Genie. The Genie said, "I will grant you three wishes. Since there are three of you, each of you will get one wish."

The Newfoundlander thought for a moment and then responded, "I'm a fisherman. My father was a fisherman. And, my grandfather and great-grandfather before him were fishermen. My son will be a fisherman. I wish for the oceans to be filled with fish."

The Genie granted the Newfoundlander his wish. Poof! The oceans were instantly filled with fish. The Quebecer said, "I wish for a big wall all around Quebec." Poof! The Genie granted the Quebecer his wish and a huge wall was erected around the perimeter of Quebec.

The Albertan thought for some time before responding. Finally, he asked, "Tell me, Genie, how big is this wall around Quebec?"
"The wall is 150 feet high and 50 feet thick," replied the Genie. "And, nothing can get in or out of the wall."
"Okay, then," replied the Albertan, "fill it up with water!"

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she
would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy godmother picked up her wand and boom! He was 90!

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Miami beach for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp.

As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

One day a man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the ork... Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Perfect.... I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss ban account." Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

There is another flash of light and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I
want to be irresistible to women."

A final blaze of light and he turns into a box of chocolates!

There was a businessman who was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the d**dos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.

She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said: "Yeah, right......... Voodoo dick, my ass!"

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