God and Heavenly Business
A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white." To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"

God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"
God says, "Call it a day."

God created woman, and she had three breasts. He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"
God snapped his fingers and it was done.
She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"
Thus God created man.

Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS....
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history....

An atheist was spending quiet day fishing when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked his boat. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?"Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

One day in the Garden of Eden God spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news."
Adam looked at God and said, "Well give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent and create new things and think new thoughts. You'll be able to hold intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will now allow you to reproduce your new intelligence within a new life form and populate this planet. Eve will now be very happy that you have this organ to give her children."

Adam was very excited and exclaimed: "These are great gifts you have given us. But what could be such bad news after such good tidings?"

God looked at Adam with great sorrow and said, "The bad news is that when I created you I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

Fellow went to heaven, was interviewed by God. "God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "Like a second."
"God, what is a million dollars to you?"
God said, "Like a penny."
"God, can I have a penny?"
"Sure", said God, "Just a second."

And the Lord saith unto Noah, "Where is the ark which I commanded thee to build?"

And Noah replied, "Behold, when I journeyed to the Jordan County Planning and Zoning office for a permit, verily they railed against me and said, "Thy property is not zoned for an ark thirty cubits high. Thou wouldest require a 1040 review, environmental impact studies and a public hearing for a variance..."

"And behold, when I toldest them it would be a temporary usage, they asked where I was going with a three storied ark? I explainest to them about the flood, the waters from the great deep and the flood gates of the sky.

And behold, they wentest berserk and ranted about water rights and minimum stream flow regulations and flood plain studies. I barely escaped with my life.

"An another thing, oh Lord, my lot is zoned for a single family dwelling, and Thou has planned ark condos for even my three sons and their wives. That wouldest be a multifamily development. "That reminded me, oh Lord, last week at the homeowners' meeting, I mentioned the animals. They reminded me of the covenants. Feeling a little defensive, I gave them your requisition list... lions, elephants, rhinos, alligators, chickens, monkeys, two by two, and fowls of the air, seven by seven. Behold, Lord, they completely lost their sense of humor and sought to smite me. But I will work on it. Couldest Thou please assign a bodyguard?"

And the Lord saith, "Noah, faithful servant, doest thy best...I'll take care of you. But I need the ark completed in two fortnights. Do not faileth!"

Noah answered and said, "It will be so."
But it was not so. And the Lord saith, "Noah, where is the ark?"

And Noah saith, "Lord, behold, the building department hath been giving me fits. Thou didest specify gopherwood beams on one cubit centers on the second level. Code requires that gopherwood beams be placed on half cubit centers on that level to give adequate bearing strength for the elephants, hippos and rhinos. When I left, they were calling Planning and Zoning, asking about zoning for a zoo or circus. Lord, I thinketh that we are in trouble with the animals.

"And Lord, The plan checker wenteth into a fit and gnashed his teeth when he saw that the plans called for only one door on the whole building. He declareth that a structure of this size requireth two exits on each level."

And the Lord saith, "Noah, my schedule called for the ark to be completed before Christmas. Worketh thou very hard!"
And Noah answered, "Christmas? What's Christmas?"
"In by Christmastime! It's just an expression used in the building trade.
It doesn't mean a thing."
And Noah answered, "Verily, it shall be done."
But behold, it was not done. And the Lord saith, "Noah, the ark is not ready.

And Noah answered, "Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill and last Monday was a holiday. And the fowls of the air Thou ordered by sevens are now sold only in half dozen lots."

Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying "Oh Lord, I am undone!"

And the Lord replieth with compassion, "Take heart, Noah. Now thou understandeth why I have called for a flood to descend upon the earth."

In the beginning when God had created man, he called on man and told him that he was going to give him 20 years of sex, but man was horrified and begged for more, but the CREATOR wouldn't budge.. In the beginning, after GOD had created man, He called on man and told him that 20 years should be enough.

Next, GOD called on the lion, and gave him 20 years, but the lion could only handle 10. Man begged for the other 10 that the lion turned down. GOD was unwilling, but man persisted and He finally gave in.

Next, GOD called on the monkey. He too was given 20 years, but the monkey refused. "Just gimme ten LORD. I don't think I could handle 20." Man again begged the CREATOR for the other ten and the LORD gave in once more.

Next, God called on the donkey and gave him 20 just like the others but the donkey refused. "All I can handle is 10 LORD."

"Gimme those other ten Lord." replied man. "Ok, you can have them." replied GOD. Now, this explains why for 20 years MAN has a normal sex life. He has another ten years of LION about it. Ten years of MONKEYING around, and another ten years of making an ASS of himself.

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'"
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great!

When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself. "Where's Eve?" He asked.
"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so."
"So where is she?" asked God.
"Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam.
"Damn," said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you."

Heaven was having a very busy day of entries, so God instructed Peter to limit those entering heaven that day. Peter decided that only the entrants with the saddest stories would be allowed to enter heaven that day. Three men came to the gate of heaven and were waiting to get in. Peter told them it was a busy day and only the person with the saddest story among the three would be allowed into heaven that day.

The first person said," I believe my story is the saddest. You see, I went home from work early because I had suspicions about my wife's fidelity. As I entered my 21st floor apartment, I noticed my bedroom door was ajar. I flew into a rage and started yelling, "Where is that adulterer?" Then I saw a man hanging on the patio rail and I went over and began pounding on his hands, yelling and screaming at him, but he still held on. I went back inside and got a hammer and hit his hands till he let go. I watched with pleasure as he fell those 21stories, but before he hit the ground a tree branch caught him and saved him from certain death. I became even angrier and went inside to the kitchen and pulled the refrigerator from the wall, pushed it to the patio and dropped it over the rail. It plummeted down and crushed the man. Suddenly, my heart gave out from the stress and well, here I am."

Peter said, " That indeed is a sad story. How about you, sir? What is your story?"

The second man said, "Mine indeed is a sad story. You see, I was exercising on my patio in my 22nd story apartment when I lost my footing and went over the rail. I thought for sure I was doomed, but miraculously, my hand caught the rail on the patio below mine. I hung there pleading for someone to help me. I saw a man approach the patio and thought, yes, I am saved at last. He came out and start yelling at me and hitting my hands. I was barely hanging on when he went back in the apartment. I breathed a sigh of relief until I realized he was coming back with a hammer. Well, he made short work of my hands and I started falling. I was bracing myself for the impact when a tree branch caught me and kept me from hitting the ground. You can imagine my relief as a laid in that tree branch. I looked up to heaven to thank God for the timely catch and noticed a refrigerator coming directly at me, and here I am."

Peter replied, "Indeed this is the saddest story I've heard today!" He turned to the third man and said "What is your story, sir?"

The third man said "Imagine this, I'm scared, naked and cold hiding in a refrigerator when suddenly here I am!"
"Yes, I can imagine that and it has to be the saddest of all. Here's a robe. You get to come in..."

Two lifelong friends had a running argument. The black friend would argue that God was black, and the white friend would disagree and say that God was white.

One day, they decided to go fishing. On the way back, they were still arguing about whether or not God was black or white. Before they knew it, they where in an accident, and they found themselves in heaven. When they got there, St. Peter met them at the Pearly gates. Again, the question was brought up, "Is God black or white?"

St. Peter told them to have a seat in the waiting room and God would come out and talk to them about it.

While they were waiting, they continued to argue whether God was black or white. Then they heard some footsteps coming. They turned around as the door swung open and in stepped God in Her grandest toga.

They looked to Her expectantly, waiting for Her answer to their long running argument.
"Hola, muchachos!"

Dr. Smith died. When he got to the pearly gates, there was a very large crowd of people waiting to get into heaven. Dr. Smith went up to St. Peter and said, "I'm Dr. Smith, and I want to get in there."

St. Peter told Dr. Smith "Yes...yes...you need to go to the back of the line."
Dr. Smith became indignant, and said, "You don't understand...my name is DOCTOR Smith!"

St. Peter again told him that he needed to go to the back of the line. Angrily, Dr. Smith complied. Then Dr. Jones died. He went through the same scenario of going around the crowd and telling St. Peter that he wanted to enter the gates. As was Dr. Smith, Dr. Jones was told he needed to go to the back of the line and wait his turn.

"But you don't understand! I am DOCTOR Jones!" He cried.

He was told again to go to the back of the line. As Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones stood in line commiserating, they saw another man walk around the crowd and approach St. Peter. This man was wearing a white lab coat and had a stethoscope around his neck. He said something to St. Peter, then entered the gates of heaven. Now Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones were irate!

"How come he did not have to wait in line?" Dr. Smith bellowed.
A guy further up the line replied "Oh, that's just God. He thinks he's a doctor!"

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.

She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"
God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"
God exclaimed, "Shirley? I didn't recognize you!"

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great golden throne.

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates replies, "I believe you're in my chair."

A boy who was being raised in a very religious family asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, "Son, we pray to Jesus when we want something really badly." The son thought that praying wouldn't be enough, so he sat down and began to write Jesus a letter.

"Dear Jesus, if I am good for a whole month, would you please send me a bike?"
Then he sat there and thought to himself, "A month is a long time." And he began to write again.
"Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole week..."
Then he sat there and thought to himself, "A week is a long time." And he began to write again.
"Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole day, would you please send me a bike?"

Satisfied with this, the boy began to walk to the mailbox to mail the letter to Jesus. As he approached the mailbox, he looked at the envelope the letter was in. Then he tore it to shreds.

He ran home and took the statue of Mary his grandmother had given him off his bureau. He proceeded to wrap a shoelace tightly around the small statue and place it in a shoebox. He then threw the shoebox into his closet and sat down and wrote another letter.

"Dear Jesus, I have your mother...."

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said.

He answered, "Thou shalt not murder."
They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said.
He answered, "Thou shalt not steal."
They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked.
"Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife."
"Sorry we are not interested," they answered.
Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked.
"It's free," he answered.
"We'll take ten of them!"

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.

"I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka. The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.

Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."

"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"

Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line, changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

Ford then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is very costly.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

"Hmmm," replied God, "hold on." God went to the Celestial Super computer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm dead."

A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not dead. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.

The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're dead."

Subject: Why God created Eve
God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

God also knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. God also knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's
dentist's or haircut appointment by himself, and would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

God somehow knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. Also, as the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
So, as the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone." However, the major reason God created Eve was that when He stepped back from his creation of man, He scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the Cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for
me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

Messages for your telephone….

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

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