The woman golfer called her pro to say that she could not keep her lesson...the pro asked her why...and she explained that she got stung by a bee while playing golf. He asked her where...and she said between the first and second hole...and her pro said I guess that would make it hard on your stance....

Newly wed couple were doing well while away on their honeymoon. The first night they were cuddled up preparing to go to sleep when the new husband turned to his bride and said, "Sweetheart, now that we are married, I have a confession to make."

A lady golfer hit a long drive that sliced over into an adjacent fairway right in the midst of a male foursome. She saw one of the men grab at his crotch and bend over in obvious agony. She rushed over as he partners followed behind. "I'm so sorry," she began after going up to the group huddled around the downed golfer. "Anything I can do to helps?"

"No, the man groaned, "I'll be alright."

"I'm a physical therapist," she continued, ignoring his reply. "Maybe a massage will help. Here, let me try," and she unzipped his pants and began massaging what she found within.

"Really," the man protested, "I'll be just fine."

The woman wouldn't take no for an answer and applied her specialty to the man's very vulnerable area. After some minutes of this, the woman golfer said, "There, now isn't that better?"

"Sure is," responded the downed man, "and the finger you smashed with that drive of yours has stopped throbbing too."

"How did you get that black eye?"

"Well, I was playing golf with my wife. I'd been having a great game but unfortunately she wasn't. On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot, 270 yards straight down the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a tremendous slice that leaves the course and lands in the pasture out of bounds. We both went looking for the ball and just as we were about to give up I spotted a glint of white coming from a cow's behind, just under its tail. I lifted the tail to make sure and then called to my wife saying, 'Here, honey, this looks like yours.' That's the last thing I remember."

Four men were out golfing and discussing how each convinced their wife to let them play golf every morning.
1st guy: I had to buy my wife a BMW to let me play golf daily.
2nd guy: You got off cheap! I had to buy my wife a BMW and a mink coat.
3rd guy: You both got off dirt cheap! I had to buy my wife the BMW, mink coat and a diamond necklace.

4th guy: Ha! I didn't have to buy my wife a single thing! Every morning when I wake up, I lean over in bed, nudge my wife and ask, "Intercourse or golf course?"

She instantly replies, "Don't forget to take your sweater."

George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway.

His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"
George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that. "
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole !"

There was this group of four guys that were avid golfers and played every weekend. One week one of the four was unable to make it to the game. The guy that was unable to make it left a message at the clubhouse that said, "The tee time is set and you are going to play with my friend "Bobby" so that you will still have your foursome."

The other three guys show up at the appointed tee time and were met by a beautiful woman who introduced herself as "Bobbie". The other three were a little wary about playing with a woman, but since they didn't want to miss their tee-time they went ahead and played.

After playing the front nine they were pretty loosened up around Bobbie especially after they found out that she could play. The foursome walks up to the par five eighteenth hole. Bobby who is shooting a respectable two over makes two near perfect shots to get within twenty-five feet of the hole.

She turns to the other three and says, "Guys, I think I know you well enough for this so I'll tell you. I am a scratch handicap golfer and I have never done better than three putt this hole. Whoever can help me make this putt and go even for the round I'll take that person off to the No Tell motel and we'll screw like rabbits."

The first guy looks serious and says, " I think you should hit it left".
The second guy goes, "Nope, you should hit it right".
The third guy looks at Bobbie, sighs walks over and picks up the ball and says, "Gee, guys, looks like a gimmee to me!"

A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says, "You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's organ."

She takes the club and hits the ball. He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance."

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50 yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."
The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"
"Well father, I used the F word over the weekend."
"Oh, is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with you."
The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."
"Let's have it then," the priest say as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.

You see Father, "I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceed to hit a horrendous slice into the trees."

"And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried.

"No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree."

"That must have been when you cursed?"

"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!"

"And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly.
"No, no.."
The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200, and at the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well, we were married for 25 years."

A man's wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. He next went into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. I mean she was a knock out. She was tall, radiant, and very funny. Well, so they had a couple of beers, one thing lead to another and before too long, they ended up in her apartment. I mean how could he resist such a woman.

They had the most incredible, most sensual sexual experience. It was amazing. After they'd had made love for hours, the man realized it was 3:AM and said, "Oh no… It's so late; my wife's going to kill me!! Have you got any talcum powder?"

She thought to herself, talcum powder, what does he want with that? But she gave him some anyway, which he preceded to rub on his hands and then he went home.

When he got home, his wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and boy was she ever mad.
"Where the hell have you been?" she yelled at him.

"Well, honey, it's like this. Honey, you know I love you; I can't lie to you. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to get you cigarettes out of the vending machine. While I was there, I met this most amazing woman. She was so beautiful and well we had a few drinks, and then one thing led to another and I ended going back to her place, and honey, I'm sorry... I've been unfaithful to you. I went to bed with another women"

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" exclaimed his wife. She saw his hands covered with talcum powder and said, "You damn liar! You went bowling again!"

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a hundred dollar bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer the hundred dollar bet.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found
my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck
gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My Gosh! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

One day a man comes home from work and he decides to tell his wife that he has been having an affair with his secretary. When he walks in the door he finds his wife in the living room. "Um, honey, I got something to tell you."

"Hold on," the wife says, "I've got something to tell you first."
"What is it?" asks the husband.
"Well," the wife begins, "before we knew each other, I . . . uh . . . had a sex change."
"What exactly are you saying?"
"Simply put," the wife says, "I used to be a man."
"My god," the husband replies, "and you've been hitting from the ladies tees this whole time!"

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help," she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and
began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."
"The second hole? When in the hell is he coming?"
"Hey! I told yah not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"

The man replies, "I found it."

This man and his wife were out playing golf when he hit a big slice and ended up behind a big building. His wife said, "Look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green." He looked it over and decided to do it. He hit the ball. The ball hit the building, bounced back, hit his wife in the head and killed her on the spot.

A few years later, the man remarried, and was out playing golf with his new wife; he ends up in the same spot, behind the building. "His new wife says, look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green."

The man said, "Oh no, I tried that once and took a double-bogie."

The boxer had insomnia for months. The week before a big fight his manager told him he should see a famous sports psychiatrist. The boxer reluctantly made an appointment with doctor Von Voorhees.

"Can't sleep, eh?" said the psychiatrist. "Have you tried counting sheep?"
"I tried that, doc," replied the fighter, "but every time I get up to nine, I jump up!"

A golfer and his caddie were out for a round of golf one afternoon. The golfer was horrendous and the caddie was trying to hide his laughter. The two reached a par five and the golfer sliced his drive horribly into the woods. The two tracked down the ball, and found that it was still in bounds. The golfer attempted another shot, but hit it even deeper into the woods. When they found it he again knocked it deeper into the forest.

Setting up for his fourth shot he saw the caddie looking at something. "Is that a pocket watch? I didn't know you were in such a hurry."

"Oh no, I'm not in a hurry, this is a compass.

A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven.
The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to Bill in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did ya find out?" "I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium.
"And the bad news?" asked Bill.
"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning."

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when a rabid Rottweiler attacks one.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Forty-Niners' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners' fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.
"Little Oakland Raiders' Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Raiders' fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys' fan," the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet".

A young man, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green.

After the young man spent several minutes debating how to hit the shot, the old man said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball, which smacked solidly into the tree and dropped to the ground about one foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man remarked, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

A golfer spent the afternoon at the driving range. Every swing he took he either hooked or sliced the ball horribly. With each ball that went only a few yards he became more and more agitated. Finally he gave up and went back to the pro shop.

"I think I need to buy some new clubs," the man said.
"What's wrong with your current pair?" the pro asked.
"I'm just not getting the distance out of them that I need to."

The pro showed the man some titanium clubs and guaranteed they would improve his range substantially. The man bought them and came back into the shop a week later.

"Are the clubs giving you the range you wanted?"
"You bet, I can throw them 40 feet farther then the last set."

There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the Links every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously. One windy day while playing in the finals of a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every Shot with utmost care and concentration. After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament. He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize.

He kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship. At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up.

"What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.
"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from my privates and threw it up in the air!"

A rookie in the minor leagues reports to camp to play in the Tobacco League in Virginia and North Carolina. When he arrived he found that most of the players were good ole boys from the area, and he felt a bit out of place being from New England.

No one called him by his name; instead they kept calling him Yankee. Finally after a week of practice he was upset that his teammates were calling him Yankee and he wasn't sure what they meant by it.

"What's a Yankee?" he finally asked.
The good ole boys snickered and then replied, "Duh, same as a quickie except that you do it yourself."

An NBA player was in the locker room after a game talking about his domestic life with another player.

"You know I thought I was marrying the right girl, but things have changed. She makes me do all the housework, takes my money, and I even think that she has cheated on me. I come home from a game and all she does is harass me."

"That's tough luck man," said the other man.

"Yeah, and you know what's worse? I think she hates me so much, and loves my money that she wants to poison me just to collect."

The other player shook his head. "Maybe you're overreacting. How about I visit with your wife one day and see if you are just imaging things."

The star player agreed and decided that his friend would judge the situation.
The next day after the game the two players were changing. "How did it go with my wife?"
The other player looked up frazzled, exhausted, and beat up and said, "My advice is, if she tries to poison you take it."

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.

After an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.

On the way home, the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.

"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me."

His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scumbag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-baseline, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."

How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're 75-years-old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"He's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

A man, playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See. I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp. She goes to look for the greenskeeper and finds him.
"I've been stung by a wasp," She says.
"Where did it get you?" He replies
"Between the 1st and 2nd hole."
"I think your stance must be a little too wide."

After a two yearlong study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF
CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

GOOD SEX FOR GOLFERS - Here are the Rules

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful, I had tennis elbow once."

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, "you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball two hundred and fifty yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about fifteen feet. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday he has an early tee time, gets up early and golfs all day. One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day.

He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible.

To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
Four men were out golfing. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,"said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high-octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant.
"Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never have seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 2002 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating.
Once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the hell up and let me play my second shot?"

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"

To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team.

During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the Englishman. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"

The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"

The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him. "I am placed in the door and told when to jump," he said. "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered, "Oh, my dog's leash goes slack."

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My Gosh! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

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