Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is the treatment?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass.

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches . . .The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . . wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . "
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. . .size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Just after Lorenna Bobbit brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. While traveling down the highway, she decided to throw that limp bloody thing out the window. Opening it, she threw that penis as far as she could out across the highway.

Meanwhile, two Canadians driving down the same highway happened to cross right by just as the thing went sailing out the window. The whacked off penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned by the bizarre incident, they drove on quietly not saying a word. About three miles down the road, the one Canadian turned to the other and said, "Man, did you see the size of the male organ on that mosquito?"

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.

The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied.

Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.

Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, "You're Out of your mind, sir!"

The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"

Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...
Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch the wall!"

Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."

A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.

"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responded, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."

A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a roadside gift shop. "What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that alligator's teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing. He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though, the further away it seemed to get.
One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.
His wife was pretty pissed about his decision. "Jon, you moron. Our neighbors can see you when you do this, you know."

He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again. Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business.

He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long."
"That's right."
"You went off the porch again, didn't you?"
"Yes, I did."

"We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing out there."

"Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!"

A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.
I'll take care of all the child's expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."

The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice... So I switched the heads."

Ah yes, money….
It can buy a Bed But not Sleep.
It can buy a Clock But not Time.
It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge.
It can buy you a Position But not Respect.
It can buy you Medicine But not Health.
It can buy you Blood But not Life.
It can buy you Sex But not Love.
So you see, money is not everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend
And as your Friend, I want to take away all your pain and suffering.
So send me all your Money and I will suffer for you.

A guy and a girl are having a telephone conversation. He's talking to a blonde. The blonde says, "I'm in trouble. I'm doing a puzzle and no matter how I put the pieces it doesn't look right."

"How do you know it doesn't?" the fellow asks.
From the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a tiger."

So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box.

Finally he turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Dear Abby letters best left unanswered...

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each." Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails ... is that correct?"

"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."
"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"
"No", she said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?", he repeated, astounded.
"Yes", she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one.

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said,

"Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, >>the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," and he opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only four dollars apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for four dollars apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for two dollars. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt, " you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

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