An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail,
she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.

PS: Sure is hot down here.

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election. There have also been claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

An angel at the pearly gates is wondering who will be received into heaven. All of a sudden two Harlem boys come walking up the stairway to heaven. The angel asked the two fellows if they had been bad or good. This must be determined in order to let them into heaven.

One man steps up and says, "Both of us believe in God and he forgives all sins."

So the angel tells them that he has to go ask God if they are able to come through the gates. The angel returns in astonishment. Hurriedly he reports back to God. He tells God that they are gone.

God says, "The two men?"
The angel answers, "No, the Pearly Gates!"

Three men died at the same time and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the first man, "Have you always been faithful to your wife?" The answer he got was that the first fellow had only cheated three times in sixteen years of marriage. St. Peter gives him a compact car to drive.

When asked the same question, the second man admits to cheating only once in twelve years of marriage. "For you we have a mid-sized car."

The third man swore he had never cheated once during twenty-two years of marriage. "For you we have a luxury car."

Some time later the three men were stopped at a red-light and the third man begins crying his eyes out. The other two quickly asked, "What's wrong?"

He answered, "I just saw my wife go by on a bicycle!"

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself, "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this."

Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor. "What's the problem? You look depressed," asks the counselor.

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Well, no I'm not.
Counselor: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays...

St. Peter was giving this fellow a tour of heaven. They passed by this pit from which came the most horrible moans. He looked askance and St. Peter said, "Those are Catholics who used birth control."

They passed a second pit and St. Peter said: "Those are merely Baptists who took pleasure in dancing while on earth.
At a third pit St. Peter said, "Oh, those are Episcopalians who ate their dessert with their salad forks."

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says: "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights; the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Upon his death, Henry Ford went to Heaven and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, replied that he would like to see some of the inventors who had arrived in Heaven before him. So St. Peter went to the Celestial Computer and printed out a list of all the inventors currently in Heaven.

At the beginning of the list, Ford came across the name Adam. He queried if it was the same guy who had discovered Eve, the woman.

St. Peter confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the invention of women.
Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him.
When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention.

"Your invention is the most stupid piece of engineering work I have ever seen. There is too much front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford back to the Celestial Computer. He queries the enormous databanks and after a few minutes, he receives a print out with tables, pie charts and graphs.

"Look here, Mr. Ford. Despite all the flaws you've pointed out, data shows that there are more men still riding my product than yours."

There was a young couple, very much in love, whom the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancé and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."

Came the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty. They repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."

Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."

Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and asked the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"

The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Gandhi came wearing his finest hand woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven.

When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Three women died and upon approaching the Pearly Gates were met by St. Peter. St. Peter told each of the women that as a reward for their exceptional behavior on earth they would be granted an additional 2 weeks on earth, and that they could be anyone they wanted.

The first woman always wanted to be a famous rock star, and her wish was granted to return to earth as Tina Turner.
The second woman always wanted to be a famous model, and her wish was granted to return to earth as Cheryl Tiegs.

The third woman had always admired a woman she had read about in the newspapers Sara Pipilini. St. Peter did not know who Sara Pipilini was. The woman opened her purse and a produced a newspaper clipping.
St. Peter exclaimed, "Oh, no my dear, you've got it all wrong. It was the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 200 men in 2 weeks."

Three nurses died and went to heaven where St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates. To the first, he asked, "What did you do on earth and why should you go to heaven?"

"I was a nurse in a nursing home," she replied. "I worked to bring comfort and peace to the poor suffering old people."
"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question, "So what did you do on earth?"

"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love."

"How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter."And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on earth?"
After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an H.M.O."
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also."
"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days...

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said,
"This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Tony died. When he was judged, he was told that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a five hundred pound, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.
So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he had. He asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more than you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

One day Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold.

Stunned, Tony and Carlos asked him how did he manage to get this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to have.

Then he added, "There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Every time after we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, 'Damn income taxes'."

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.
"Show me what you got, Pete," said the Texan.

St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers an all the trimmings.

"We've got two of those in Texas. We call 'em the King and Supreme Ranch," said the Texan.

St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

"We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags."

Where upon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.

"We don't have that," said the Texan, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. A cat shows up. St Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."

Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."
St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."
Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."

The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"

St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."
Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"
Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

Billy Graham goes to heaven and is approached by St. Peter. They greet each other. Billy recognizes a man with 2 somewhat... er ...unattractive lizards on his neck.

He asks "Why does the Pope have two lizards around his neck?"

To which St. Peter replies "Well, the Pope had some unresolved sins, and he must wear the lizards until he gives up them up.

He nods, and then notices Howard Stern with ten lizards around his neck and states: "Ah, I get it. He had even more unresolved sins, and he must wear them for longer."

"Correct," replies St. Peter.

Finally he sees Bill Clinton, with only one lizard on his neck. Surprised to see the low number of lizards on Bill Clinton's neck he asks St. Peter about this.

St. Peter replies, "Well, we needed to punish this particular lizard."

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
BUT..... Two days later...

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

A woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so she locates St. Peter to find out what is going on.

"Oh that?" he says. "That's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes into her back to attach her wings."

The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her position, when the screaming again. This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before.

She calls St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now. "Oh tha?" he says. "They're just drilling holes into her head to attach the halo."

The woman decides she wants out and tells St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell.

"Are you sure you want to go there?" he says. "It's a terrible place. You'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!"

"That's okay," the woman replies, "I already have the holes for that."

This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."

Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
"John Smith," replies the woman.

"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."

"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith!"

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of Him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and
tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God said, "That was the screen saver. We use it as a promo."

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven where Saint Peter met them and asked, "what would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends say at your funeral?"

The first man answered, "I am a renowned doctor and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving someone's life and gave them a second chance."

The second man replied, "I am a family man and a school teacher, I would like to hear some say what a great husband and father I was and that I had been made a difference in some young persons life."

The third man replied, "Wow, those are all good things to have said about you, but I would rather hear: 'Hey, I think he's still moving."

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring high above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," said St. Peter, and, "POOF," the first priest is gone.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this new action on Earth 'count' on my Heavenly tally?"

"No, son, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing this time around."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud!"
"So be it," said St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any difficulty locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asks the Lord. "Near as I can tell, he's on a snow tire, somewhere in a North Dakota blizzard."

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked.

"Let me go find out." and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.

"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Pamela if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."

Pamela is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't!"

"Sorry, Pamela, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20-room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, Gates told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

Three men die in a car accident. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something Christmas oriented.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cookie, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, the angel asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."

So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the
First guy. "You see I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Once upon a time a woman died and went to heaven. When she reached the Pearly Gates St. Peter met her. She said, "Am I in heaven?"
He said, "Yes, you are at the Pearly Gates."
"Do I get to come in?" asked the woman.
St. Peter said, "Yes, if you can spell a word."
"What word?"
"Any word."
She said, "OK, I'll spell love." She did and she was allowed to enter.

A few minutes later, St. Peter approached her and said, "I have to leave for a minute. Would you watch the gate?"

She looked astonished and said, "You want me to watch the gate?"
St. Peter said, "Yes."
She asked, "What do I do if someone comes up?"
He replied, "Just what I did. Ask them to spell a word."
As she stood looking around at all the beautiful sights in heaven, she saw a man walking toward the gates. As he drew closer, the woman recognized him. It was her husband. She was shocked!
He walked up to the gates. "What happened?" the wife asked.

"Well," the husband replied, "I was so upset after your funeral that on the way home I had an accident and died. Am I in heaven?"

"You are at the Pearly Gates," she said.
"Do I get to come in?" he asked.
"Yes, but you have to spell a word," she said.
"What word?" he asked.
"Czechoslovakia," she replied.

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she says to Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."

Saint Peter asks, "What was his name?"
The woman replies, "John Smith."

"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."

"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith!"

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long; on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and your mates whipped you all. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says,
"Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

A computer consultant was furiously working away at a program at his desk, when suddenly, everything went black, and he lost consciousness. When he came to, he found he was in front of the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter was watching him, waiting for him to wake up.

The young man stood up, looked around, and walked over to Peter. "What is this place?" he asked.

"You're at the Pearly Gates", replied Peter, opening a huge book. Obviously shaken at waking up dead, the young consultant said, "You mean I'm dead?"

"Mm-hmm", replied Peter, carefully scanning through the list of names. "What happened? I mean, I'm young, I don't smoke, eat healthy, work out every day. I don't see any injuries on my body. How'd I die?"

Peter looked up and said, "Wait just a minute till I find your name; that'll give me the cause of death also."
The consultant looked around... blue sky and clouds everywhere, kind of like the Windows 95 startup screen.

Finally, Peter said, "Ah-ha, here you are. It says you died of old age."
"Old age? I'm only 32", the consultant stammered.
"Hmmm, let me see", said Peter, "We don't often make mistakes."
After looking a moment longer, Peter said knowingly, "Got it! You were a consultant, right?"
"Yes."
"Well, the book's right about old age being the problem. Y'see, up here we figure your age in billable hours."

Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed. "Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.
"No," said the dying man.
"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"
"No," the man repeats.
"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Sullivan.
"Because," said the dying man, "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start annoying anybody."

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry,we have rules... " And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the elevator. The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing.

She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said.

The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're staff....."

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.
First woman-- "I froze to death."
Second woman -- "You froze to death - how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?"

Second woman-- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. but instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died." ............

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

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