A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information: "Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!"
So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:
"Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?"

Subject: THE DEER HUNT

1:00 AM Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 AM Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00 AM Leave for deep woods.
3:15 AM Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 AM Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 AM Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.
4:30 AM Head for the woods.
6:05 AM See eight deer.
6:06 AM Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 AM CLICK.
6:08 AM Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 AM Head back to camp.
9:00 AM Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM Realize that you don't know where camp is.
Noon Fire gun for help eat wild berries.
2:15 PM Run out of bullets eight deer come back.
2:20 PM Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 PM Realize that you ate poison berries.
2:45 PM Rescued.
2:55 PM Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 PM Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM Load gun leave camp again.
5:00 PM Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.
6:00 PM Arrive at camp see deer grazing.
6:01 PM Load gun.
6:02 PM Fire gun.
6:03 PM One dead pickup.
6:05 PM Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM Repress desire to shoot hunting partner.
6:07 PM Fall into fire.
6:10 PM Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.
6:15 PM Take pickup, leave hunting partner and deer in camp.
6:25 PM Pickup boils over, hole shot in block.
6:26 PM Start walking.
6:30 PM Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 PM Meet bear.
6:36 PM Take aim.
6:37 PM Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.
6:38 PM Mess pants.
6:39 PM Climb tree.
11:00 PM Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.
Midnight Home at last.

Next Day Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.

It seems there were these three guys who like to go hunting every year. Deer hunting. So they hire a guy to fly them to this remote part of some remote place. They all split up to do their hunting, have a successful day, and rendezvous back at the plane each carrying a buck. Well, they loaded up the plane, and as the pilot started up the engine, he said to the men, "I don't think she'll be able to get off the ground with this load."

Two of the men looked disappointed, but the third quickly responded, "Don't worry about it, we caught the same amount last year, and we got off the ground no problem."

So the pilot said OK, and the plane started down the runway, and sure enough got off the ground. But then the plane started to make some strange noises, and it crashed in the woods.

The next thing they knew, the three men and the pilot were in the middle of the plane wreckage, but in relatively good health. One of the men asked, "Any idea where we are?"

The other man said, "I don't know, but I think we're about a mile or two from where we crashed last year."

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what
he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot," he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.
Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.
"No," replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."

"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "in Montana the only law we go by is the 'three kicks law.'"
"Never heard of it," said Johnny.

The farmer said, "I get to kick you three times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back three times, that duck is yours."

Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.

After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn," said Johnny.
"Aww, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?

While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward shore. About halfway there, he called out again. "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"Really?" asked the tourist.
"Didn't have to. The sharks got 'em!"

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks.
"What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion.
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough."

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell and hot on his heels came the game warden.

After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped.

With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes sir," replied the young feller. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked
Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"

Three men go duck hunting one day. Two of them are inundated with stories from the third about his "great" duck hunting abilities.

After a few hours the first two men have bagged a couple of ducks each, but the braggart hasn't taken a shot. They question him on this, so he agrees to show his shooting abilities at the next opportunity.

A few moments later, one lone duck comes flying by. As promised, the braggart stands up and squeezes off one shot. The duck keeps flying!

"Gentlemen, you have just witnessed a miracle," says the braggart pointing at the receding duck, "for there flies a dead duck."

It was a cold winter day when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM, a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take
it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

To which the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" The old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look" said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out, and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh, no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

Two men were hunting in the forest and accidentally got lost. They waited for a plane to look for them to take them to safety. When the plane arrived, one of the hunters said, "Shoot three times in the air. That is the distress call."

So they did, and the plane flew by and didn't stop.
The next day the plane flew out, they shot three times in the air again, but the plane flew on and didn't stop.
On the third day as the plane flew by, one hunter said, "O.K. shoot three times."
The other hunter replied, "O.K. but we're almost out of arrows!"

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. Rescue boats searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found anything. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a telegram from the cruise line. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster. Inside the oyster was a pearl worth fifty thousand dollars. Please advise what you want done. "The old man responded: "Send me the pearl and Re-bait the trap."

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Two dudes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before. After several hours they still haven't bagged any. One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don't understand it. Why aren't we getting any ducks?"

His friend says, "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

A man wanted to go hunting, but he couldn't find anyone to go with him. As a last resort, he asked the town drunk to tag along. The next morning, the drunk was ready and waiting, with a fifth of whiskey. When they got to the woods the old drunk took a seat under a large oak tree. The other man went off to his stand, and told the drunk to make as little noise as possible.

A few hours had passed, so the man went back to check on the drunk. As he got closer, he could hear terrifying screams coming from the drunk. The man yells at the drunk, "I told you to keep it quiet!"

The drunk explains, "I know, I know... but when I sat in a bed of fire ants, I didn't make any noise.
Then, when a snake slithered across my feet, I kept quiet. But, I just couldn't take it any longer when that squirrel came back for his second nut!"

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it.

Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found what he was looking for and a huge one at that. Taking careful aim he fired his high-powered rifle and only injured and enraged the bear. (he sneezed)

The bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He was pretty fast but the angry bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go get another!

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any type of animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter
said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle." He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308." He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk
last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me!"
"What did I do?" he asked.

She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an ax!'"

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never take her along with me again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy answered, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the Deep South when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

There were two old boys from Alabama who loved to fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it.

The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." After they got their equipment, they took off.

A couple of hours later, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
He paid for the picks and left.
An hour later, he was back at the shop again and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows going?"
"Not very well at all," the boy said. "We don't even have the stupid boat in the water yet."

A man was touring a computer room. The technician says to him I've just created computer that knows everything. Ask it any question and it will give you the right answer'.

The man types in "where is my father?."

The computer's lights start to flash. Bells and whistles go off and out pops a card that reads 'Your father is fishing in Michigan'.

Man said 'that's wrong! My father died 10 years ago'.

The technician is puzzled. He makes a few adjustments and says ask the question again but stated differently. So the man types in "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again the lights flash, the bells and whistles go off. And out pops a card that reads 'Your mother's husband has been dead for 10 years. Your father just caught a 5 lb bass!'

A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys. When the babies were side by side, they always looked in opposite directions, so they were named Forward and Away. Years later the fisherman took his sons fishing, but they didn't return.

Months passed, and the wife finally spotted her husband plodding sadly up the beach. He explained to her that during their trip, Forward had hooked an enormous fish. He had struggled for hours, when suddenly the fish pulled Forward into the water and they never saw him again. "That's just terrible! his wife said.

"It was terrible all right," said the fisherman. "But you should have seen the one that got Away!"

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

How about a fast trip to page 47 of jokes?CLICK HERE will get you there.

CLICK HERE

Click here for Quester's life story in pictures.

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page