Ten Things Men Shouldn't Say Out Loud At Victoria's Secret

10 Does this come in children's sizes?
09 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
08 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
07 Mom will love this.
06 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
05 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
04 Will you model this for me?
03 The Miracle What? This is better than world peace!!
02 Sixty Five bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
01 Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!

At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

TEN WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People".
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named "Darryl."
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge"
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN.........

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS REDNECKS…
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Ten Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba."
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

VAN GOGH'S FAMILY TREE
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

1. Only in America...... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance..

2. Only in America...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front..

3. Only in America...... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke..

4. Only in America...... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

5. Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage..

6. Only in America...... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place..

7. Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

8. Only in America..... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

You know it's going to be a bad day when:
You wake up - face down on the pavement
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
Your twin sister forgets your birthday
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don't have a waterbed
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and YOU have a headache
Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
You wake up and your braces are locked together
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of hells angels on the freeway

Top 10 reasons e-mail is like a penis.
(10) Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
(9) Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
(8) Those who don't have it may agree it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
(7) Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
(6) It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
(5) In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
(4) If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
(3) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than , its actual size and influence warrant.
(2) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason Why E-mail is like a penis.....
(1) If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.

Crazy Headlines:
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty - Alzheimer's Center Prepares for An Affair to Remember
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash,
Experts Say Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell - Miners Refuse to Work After Death -
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - Stolen Painting Found by Tree -
Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty -
Man Jumps Off 2nd Street Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found -
After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth - Man Found Dead in Cemetery -
War Dims Hope for Peace - If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While -
Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks -
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half - Woman Improving After Fatal Crash -
Red Tape Holds up New Bridge - Deer Kill 17,328 - Arson Suspect is held in Massachusetts Fire -
New Vaccine may Contain Rabies - Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing -
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors -
Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00.

More Newspaper Headlines
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Victim Tied, Nude policeman Testifies
Judge To Rule On Nude Beach
Police Discover Crack In Australia
Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives
Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

Actual English Subtitles Used In Hong Kong Films
I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
I have been scared silly too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some but of the giant lizard person.

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.

ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS
1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
2. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
3. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my nob off."
4. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
5. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
6. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
7. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
8. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."

Signs of the times
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, a Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"

Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

Age brings wisdom:
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age 9
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." -Emily, age 10
"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." -Traci, age 14
"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -Naomi, age 15
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Shoot, there go the lights again...."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
"What do you mean you want a divorce?"

Things You Don't Want To Hear When Regaining Consciousness:

"I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice."
"Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving."
"Blink once for 'yes'".
"What do you mean we have the wrong patient?"
"Why is there a tag on his toe?"
"Do you think he can hear us?"
"I didn't even know a human could bend that way."
"I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anesthesia. Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy."
"Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."
"Did the doctor know he would look like that afterward?"
"Of course I've performed this operation before, nurse!"
"Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down. It'll make a great 'ER' script."

Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
"Just remember... Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're a jerk!"
"We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it quits."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

THINGS A TRUE SOUTHERNER KNOWS

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
What general direction catawampus is.
When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!
A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
Real gravy don't come from the store.
The difference between "pert near" and "a right far piece."
Never to go snipe hunting twice.
At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

You know you are married to an Asian woman when:
She goes to bed in her street clothes.
You have your rice delivered in bulk.
Your annual holiday is spent hanging round her parents.
She is terrified that the kids won't be able to speak her language.
She won't shop anywhere she can't bargain.
The bathroom cabinet is full of Chinese medicine.
Your flower beds are full of garlic.
She demands a load of kitchen devices, then pounds everything up like she did back home.
She always leaves the doors and windows open.
She always turns off the lights and heating to save money.
She keeps all her clothes in a suitcase.
The refrigerator and freezer is full of left-over food.

Subject: Funny list

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. The difference between the Pope and your boss is that the Pope only expects you to kiss his RING.
3. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.
4. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!

5. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled, and that ice, well, that really chilled the mood.

6. It used to be that only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

7. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

8. The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive to work is that you still end up at work.

9. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

10. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

11. Teenagers: God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Things to remember about women….

Things to remember about women:
1. The female always makes up the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change without notice.
3. No male can possible know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male is learning the rules she changes them.
5. The rule that never changes is.... the female is never wrong. (see rule #1)
6. The male must be calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
7. The female must keep her desire about the male's mood a secret from the male. At no time must she show which way the male should be.
8. The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times.
9. What is important is what the female means, not what she says.
10. If the male can't abide by the rules it shows his weakness. It proves he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
11. If it appears the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the male did or said wrong.
12. If the above rule applies than the male is obligated to apologize for his own misunderstanding.
13. The rule still stands that the female may change her mind at any time. Whereas: the male may never change his mind without the written consent of the female.
14. The female has every right to be upset at any time.

25 REASONS why Chocolate is better than Sex.
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you will swallow that" has meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate can satisfy even if it has gone soft.
4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want to.
5. You can safely have chocolate when you are driving.
6. You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
7. If you BITE the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called names.
9. The word commitment does not scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on your desk at work without upsetting your coworkers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.
14. With Chocolate you don't need to fake it.
15. A good chocolate is easy to find.
16. You are never to young or old for chocolate.
17. When you have chocolate it doesn't keep the neighbors awake.
18. Size doesn't matter.
19. You don't have to BEG to get chocolate.
20. You can have chocolate with little kiddies and not go to jail.
21. You can have chocolate all night and still walk properly the next morning.
22. It is easy to find 9 Inches of chocolate.
23. It is OK to buy chocolate on the street corner.
24. You don't have to change the bed sheets after chocolate.
25. You can have as many different types of chocolate of chocolate as you like.

Why are cucumbers better than men?
the average cucumber is at least seven inches long
cucumbers stay hard for a week
a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count
cucumbers don't get too excited
a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
cucumbers are easy to pick up
you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket and you know how firm it is before you take it home
you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it
no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too
cucumbers can get away any weekend
with a cucumber you can get a single room and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber
a cucumber will always respect you in the morning
you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie
at a drive in, you can stay in the front seat
a cucumber can always wait until you get home
a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds
a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival
a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin
cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin
cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin
with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once
cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall
cucumbers don't have sex hangups
cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on
cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts
you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
cucumbers never need a round of applause
cucumbers won't ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?
cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors
a cucumber won't want to join your support group
a cucumber never wants to improve your mind
cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations
cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one
a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator
a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over
no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber
cucumbers can handle rejection
a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache
a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is
a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry
cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow
cucumbers won't give you a hickey
cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot
Afterwards, a cucumber won't: want to shake hands and be friends say, "I'll call you a cab."
tell you he's not the marrying kind, tell you he is the marrying kind, call his mother, ex wife, or therapist,
take you to confession

cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month
a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore
cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him
a cucumber a day keeps the ob gyn away
a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink
a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat
with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season
cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car
a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors
a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library
cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest
a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll on, or hairspray
cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor
cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub
a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet
a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower
with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it
cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold
cucumbers can't count to "10"
cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair
a cucumber will never leave you for another woman, for another man, for another cucumber

a cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No a 19 on him

a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt
you always know where YOUR cucumber has been

you won't find out later that your cucumber is married is on penicillin or has AIDS, likes you, but loves your brother

a cucumber never has to call "the wife"
cucumbers never have mid life crisis
a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move
cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation
cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do
a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party
you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber
a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve
a cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde
cucumbers never want to take you home to mom
a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family
a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school
a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually
cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers
a cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
a cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, Jewish, or orthodox vegetarian
it's easy to drop a cucumber
a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything

THE CANONICAL LIST OF SORORITY GIRL JOKES

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more.
What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers? Sorority girls cost less per score.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two? Feed the elephant.
What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? Introduces herself, then walks home.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm? She drops her nail file.
What's a sorority girl's favorite wine? "Daaadddy, I want to go to Mi ammmmi."
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape? Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
Why is a sorority girl like a doorknob? 'Cause everyone gets a turn.
How do you get a sorority girl in your bed? Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a Twinkie on the bed.
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage? Garbage gets taken out once a week.
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun bathing on a beach in Cuba? Bay of Pigs.
What do you call a sorority girl hang glider festival? Multiple total eclipses.
What is a sorority girl's mating call... "I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a sorority girl? Nothing.

What does a frat boy say to a girl that refuses him?
There are some things a sorority girl won't do.
I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it doesn't stop until it gets blood.

* Tri Delts; I'm sure everyone else has.
* If your date won't, Tri Delts.
Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts.
What do fraternity boys call hemorrhoids ? Speed bumps.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ? Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
Seven, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke).
Sixty-five, one to do it and sixty-four to sing and clap.
One. She holds on to it and the world revolves around her.
Six. One to screw it in and five to make the T shirts.
Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to get her boyfriend to do it.

Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks? She's been laid all over the country.
Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex? So she can fantasize about shopping.
What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position? Facing Bloomingdale's.
How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac? She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth? No makeup.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda? Nail polish.
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex? Marry her.
What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl? You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.
What's the difference between a sorority and a circus? A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage? Garbage smells better, and also sorority girl attract more flies.
What' the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner? Nothing. They both suck, but you you can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
How do you get four sorority girls on one chair? Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it. better yet, turn the chair upside down and put one sorority girl on each leg.
What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a sorority girl track team? The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster? In the morning a rooster says "cock a doodle doo", while a sorority girl says "any cock'll do."
What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street? A case of Schlitz.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and parsley? You don't eat parsley.
Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar? They are both stuck up cunts.

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