An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying and sobbing. A young man walks by and asks, "What's wrong?"
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a 25 year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the younger man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he mutters, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work we make love. At noon she comes home for a nooner and after she makes me a great lunch, we make love again. Once or twice in the afternoon she sneaks out of her office and we make love again. Then at supper time we eat and jump into bed to make love some more." He breaks down completely and is unable to speak.

"I don't understand your problem," says the younger man putting an arm around the old fellow's shoulders. "I would say you have a perfect relationship. Who could want more?"

Once again through his tears, the old man sobs, "I've forgotten where I live!"

Well, the judge looked over his reading glasses and said, "70 years and now you file for divorce? What a shame! What has caused this?" he asks.

The gentleman in front of his bench responds, " We wanted to wait until the children were dead!"

An old man and a woman pulled into a gas station. The old woman is almost deaf. The attendant asked, "Do you want a fill-up?"

The old woman asked the man, "What did he say?"
The old man shouted at her, "Getting us some gas."
Then the attendant asked, "Do you want your oil checked?"
Old woman: "What did he say?"
Old man: "He's checking the oil."
When the attendant spotted their Ohio plates he said, "I think the worst piece of ass I ever got was in Ohio."
Old woman: "What did he say?"
Old man shouts back: "He says he thinks he knows you."

An elderly man and woman, both blind, were in a TV room at their nursing home. He asked, "Can I put my finger in your navel?"
She thought for a moment and said, "I suppose so."
He began to proceed when she jumped up and said, "That's not my navel."
The old man's answer was: "And that's not my finger either!"

An elderly gentle and an old woman in a nursing home had been dating awhile when suddenly the old man dropped her flat. She was hurt. When she ran into him in the lunchroom area, she said, "Elmer, why aren't we going out any more?"

Not making any eye contact, he sheepishly said, "I'm seeing Ethel now."
"Well, Elmer, that hurts my feelings," she replied, sadly. "What's Ethel do for you that I don't?"
He looked up and said, "She holds my penis for me."
"I can do that, Elmer," came back the woman.
"Yes, but Ethel has palsy."

Three old women lived together. The first woman started up the stairs and stopped. "Was I going up or coming down," she asked.

The next old woman was standing next to a bathtub of hot water. "Was I getting in or getting out," she asked.
The third woman was out of patience and disgusted. She said, "I hope I'm never that senile, knock on wood. Oh my! I wonder if they are at the front door or the back one.

One day a young man was sun-bathing nude on the beach. Suddenly he sees three older rather sedate looking ladies strolling along and walking towards him. Not wanting to embarrass the women, he quickly covers himself from head to foot with beach sand. Unbeknownst to the young lad, one part of his body was protruding up from the sand.

As the ladies pass by, one notices something sticking out of the sand and says, "Oh my god, Marta, just as we get to old to do anything, those little pricks start growing up wild!"

Then there was this elderly man, 70 years old, and he is reading the paper when suddenly he sees... SPERM DONATIONS-$75. Knowing he could use the money, he gets in his truck and goes to the clinic. Walking in the front door, he makes his way to the nurse's desk and says, "Hello, I'm here about the ad in the paper."

The woman in white behind the desk looks at him with a puzzled look on her face and says, "Wait one minute, please." She then looks in her manual thinking that there might be a cut off age for donations, but she could not find one. So she returns her attention to the elderly man and gives him a jar. She then points him to a door. Slowly, he ambles across the room and shuffles in closing the door quietly behind him. Thirty minutes passes and then another thirty. By now the nurse was uncomfortable and got worried. She went to the door and asked: "Is everything in there OK?"

Again she hears heavy breathing from inside.

Not being able to resist, she opens the door fearing what she might see. The old man is all bent over. "Are you alright?" she quickly asks the wretched looking old fellow.

Slowly he replies, "Well, I tried with my right hand." He is by now gasping for air, but he goes on: "Oh yes, then I tried with my left. Ah, than I tried with my right one more time, but I'll be damned if I can get the lid off this jar lady!

Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee, and the other is in your oatmeal."

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm. This
was their time to spend a few quiet moments together before getting on with their chores, and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?""

That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak, she asked, "What was that fer?""
That," said her husband, as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."

An attractive 25 year old woman marries a rich 75 year old man. She figures that he'll probably die the first time they have sex, and she'll inherit all his money the perfect scam.

On the wedding night, she got the first indication that things might not go according to plan. Her new husband sprang out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a condom, earplugs, and a nose clip. "Good god," she gasped, "what's all that for?"

"There's two things I can't stand," he replied. "The smell of rubber burning, and the sound of a woman screaming."

An elderly man had a serious operation. Afterwards his doctor told him that he had done very well and that he could be released from the hospital, but he would have to take it easy for the next three weeks no heavy exercise and no sex.

He was to see the doctor in three weeks.

The man went home and after discussing the situation with his wife, they decided that it would be better if she took the upstairs bedroom and he took the downstairs bedroom so they would not be tempted to make love.

After three weeks the man returned to the doctor who told him that he was progressing satisfactorily but that he still needs to take it easy no heavy exercise and no sex, and to return to see the doctor in three weeks.

He went home and resumed his pattern of sleeping in the downstairs bedroom while his wife was upstairs.

After two weeks he woke up and in the middle of the night he decided that he just had to see his wife regardless of the doctors orders.

He proceeded to climb the stairs and halfway up he met his wife on her way down.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well, I was just on my way upstairs to die," he replied.
"Oh, wonderful," she said, "Because I was just on my way down to kill you!"

A ninety-year-old man marries a young twenty something girl. She gets pregnant and the guy goes to see his doctor. "Doc, my young wife is pregnant. Isn't that great?"

The doctor says, "Let me tell you a story. An absent minded hunter goes out to the woods but packs his umbrella instead of a rifle. A bear charges at him and he pulls out his umbrella and fires. The bear falls over dead right before his feet."

The 90 year old says, "Impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly" says the doctor.

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes. "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week."
"How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night?"
"Yep! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,..."

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"It must be 274," was the man's reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replys the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Lena & Oley had been married a long time and the older they got the more frugal they were. Oley got sick and was on his death bed. He hadn't spoken for some time. Finally he smelled the wonderful smell of Lena's baking of a sweet smelling cake. Oley spoke up and said "If I could only taste your cake for one last time."

"Not now, Oley, Lena said. "This is for after the funeral"

Lena and Oley had been married many years. Oley was always tight with the money, though Lena became just as frugal as time went on. When Oley passed away Lena felt like she should put an obituary in the local newspaper. However, when she got there she found out they charged by the word. Thinking a little while, and realizing most people in their small community already new Oley and that he had died she simply put in two words "Oley died."

The lady at the newspaper thought that wasn't enough and told her "This week we are allowing 5 words for the price of two."
Lena thought a minute and changed it to "Oley died, pickup for sale."

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring herself in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the body of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replied, "Frankly, my dear, your name never came up."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and
hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found
a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep."

"So, then what happened?" asked one of the new members. "Were you ambushed by a group of wild natives?"

"I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes," continued the old fellow. "I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever saw jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'Grrrrrrr-roooooowl ROOOAR!!! I tell you, I just shit in my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said, 'Grrrrrrrrr Rooooar!!!"

There was a boy playing in his grandparent's yard while his grandpa watched from the porch. At that point, a worm squirmed up to the surface of the dirt and the boy pulled it out of the hole.

Grandpa, on the porch said, "I'll give you $5 if you can get the worm back into the hole."

The boy tried and tried, but couldn't get the soft, squirmy worm back into the hole. After a few minutes he went into the house and came back with a can of hairspray. He sprayed the worm. It became very hard and the boy was able to put it back in the hole.

The grandpa laughed and gave the boy his $5. "That was a good trick!" he said.
The next day, the boy was again playing in the yard when his grandpa came over and handed him another $5. The boy was confused and said, "What is this for?" The grandpa smiled and said, "Your Grandma thought that it was a neat trick too!"

An elderly Irving Schwartz and the widow Esther Cohen were sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home.

The Mr. Schwartz, a widower himself, says to Esther, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."

Then Esther considers it a moment, and after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty-dollar bill.
Irving says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"
Esther says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready, and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

An old couple goes to the doctor. The old man goes in first to have his physical.

When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.

The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."

The old woman says, "Oh no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried about him mentally."
The old woman questions, "Whatever do you mean?"

The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."

The old woman responded, "Son of a gun, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle-way and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."

Grandma & Grampa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides he's hungry for some ice cream.

"Hey, Grandma - I'm gonna' head to the kitchen and get myself a dish of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?"

"Sure, Grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what you're going out there for or else you'll forget," replies Grandma.

"I will not!" retorts Grandpa. "In fact, tell me what you want on it and I'll show you I can remember that, too."
"OK," says Grandma, "I'll have some chocolate sauce. But you're gonna' forget..."

Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30 minutes, accompanied by a cacophonous banging of pots and pans. Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs.

"See there, Grandpa. I told you you'd forget!" chides Grandma.
"Whaddya' mean, 'forget,' Grandma? What did I forget?" demands Grandpa.
"You fool," says Grandma. "You forgot my bacon!"

An elderly woman was suffering from severe depression after her husband of 57 years had recently passed away. Deciding to end her life, she struggled to come up with a means that she could tolerate. She had never been able to swallow more than three pills at once, so ruling out overdosing on medication. She deciding that shooting herself would be undignified and she had no access to a gun.

Finally she settled on stabbing herself.

She rationalized that if she could directly enter the heart she could die quickly. Unsure of the exact location of her heart, she slipped it into her conversation with her physician at her next regular check up. Her physician told her that the heart is usually located one inch above and to the right of the left nipple. Satisfied with this answer the woman went home, prepared to kill herself.

That night paramedics were called to the scene of a woman down, self inflicted stab wound to the left thigh.

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're lying in afterglow. the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A really buff weightlifter was once admiring himself in front of the mirror one day as weightlifters usually do, and he noticed that he had a great tan all over his body except for his manhood, which was white as snow. He decides that he wants to be tan all over and decides to head down tot he nude beach where he can tan himself out. the weightlifter did not want his tan mismatched so he buried his whole body in the sand with only his manhood sticking out.

Awhile later, a little old woman is walking by with her friend and noticed the upright organ protruding from the ground. She turns to her friend and says, " You know, when I was 20 years old I was curious about those things. When I was 30 I was enjoying it, when I was 40 I was asking for it, and when I was 50 I was paying for it. When I was 60 I was begging for it, and when I was 70 I just forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the darn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat down."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea."

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. it was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call hat flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spreads out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shaking weakly, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them could accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help.

Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple liked the suggestion and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks,
"Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

A ninety-year-old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four or five days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said "Sure" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

The old man said "Sure, why?"
The doctor replied "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to finish."

Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well.

One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?"

There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, and then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"

The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the funeral service of her seventy-five-year old millionaire husband who had owned a football team. She confided in a friend, "We had such a happy marriage for the three months it lasted. Every Sunday morning he would make love to me, keeping time with the rhythm of the church bells."

She sobbed again, and then added, "If that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be alive today."

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant his money, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only fifteen cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Here was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her face. A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

She said, "Look, everything down there is eighty years old; this hat is brand new!"

A 100-year-old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day. "Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," as the reporter.

"Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer. "And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women."

Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whisky in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit.

"What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter. Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!"

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

An old guy confined to a nursing home was walking down the hallway when he noticed Mrs. Barnstone sitting on a chair in the lounge. He walked up to her and asked her if she could guess how old he was.

She replied, "Drop your pants and let me see."
Then after looking at him, she said, "Why you're 88 years old!"
"Why yes I am," the old man said, "how did you know?"
"Well you told me this morning at breakfast."

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes, life is boring! We never have any fun these days!" For a fiver, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old boy, holding up a five-pound note.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"How did it go?" asked his friend.
"Great!" said the streaker, "I won first prize as a dried arrangement!"

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers while watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating? You used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember when we were first married? You'd kind of nibbled on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.

"Oy Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!"

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his body. he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was suntanned all over his body except his penis. he decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the sand except his penis.

Just then two old ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane. upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it with her cane. She remarked to the other old lady. "there ain't no justice in this world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

"Well" she said, "when I was 20 I was curious about it. When I was 30 I enjoyed it. When I was 40 I asked for it. When I was 50 I paid for it. When I was 60 I prayed for it. When I was seventy i forgot about it. Now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

Jacob, 92, and Rebecca, 85, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and their route happens to take them by a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
Jacob: "Are you the owner?"
Pharmacist: " Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell blood pressure medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "What about medication for the liver or thyroid problems?"
Pharmacist: "We can sell you any medication your doctor prescribes."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob turns to Rebecca:
"Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list right here."

After booking my 80-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision.

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother need a rental car?"

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scared!"

The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Jones, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when do you notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, looked her in the eye casually and asked, "Was that one or two words?"

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked, "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh my! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex! Supersex!"

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex!!"
He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her. He finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well,"she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

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