Preachers, Priests, and Rabbi
Preachers
A plane flying over the North Sea is in trouble and likely to ditch. There are six passengers on board, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Priest, and three children. But there are only three life jackets.

The Doctor says, "Save the children!" waving the life jackets.
Making a grab for the jackets, the Lawyer shouts, "Screw the children!!"
Quickly the Priest inquires, "Is there time...?"

One day a preacher and his wife were sitting in their house talking when the wife told her husband, "Can I trust you with something?

The preacher said, "Of course."

The wife said, "For many years I have kept a shoe box under my bed with two prized possessions in it. I can't tell you what the two objects are, but be assured that they signify my appreciation and love for you. I have to go to the store for some groceries. Will you promise me that you won't look inside that shoe box while I'm gone or any other time?"

The preacher said, "I promise."

After his wife left to go to the store, the preacher began to wonder what two objects were inside the box. Finally his curiosity got the best of him and he opened the shoebox and found an egg and $1,000 dollars. He wondered why these things were in the shoebox. Contrite, he told himself that he would admit what he did and then have the opportunity of asking his wife about the puzzling contents when she got home.

When his wife got home, the preacher confessed, "I know I promised not to look in the shoe box, but my curiosity got the best of me. So I looked and found $1,000 and an egg. What does this mean?"

She said, "I put an egg in this box every time you preach a bad sermon."

When his wife said this, the preacher got the big head and thought that he must be doing great if his wife thought that he only preached one bad sermon during all those years. Then his wife continued, "Every time I was led into temptation and strayed from being a faithful wife I put an egg away to sell. They brought a dollar a dozen, and that's why I have $1,000 in the box."

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replied the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" said the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replied the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT?" replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" said the trooper.
"Well WHO THE HELL is it?" screamed the chief.
"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No... I think I'll wait for the police."

This man was painting the church one Saturday to get it nice and spiffy for services on Sunday. He had two sides of the church done when he realized that he didn't have quite enough paint to finish. Since he was many miles from where he could buy more paint and he was running out of time, he decided to thin the paint down to have enough to finish the job.

After finishing the third wall, he realized he had to thin the paint even more to make it stretch. He finally finished and stood back to admire his work when it started to rain. He watched in dismay while the paint ran down the windows and exposed the old color on the last two walls he had painted.

The pastor came outside to see what was going on and saw the look of disappointment on the man's face. The man confessed what he had done to make the paint last.

The pastor, wanting to ease the man's burden, said, "Then you must repaint, my son, and thin no more."

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!"

John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

A man was coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Way down in the Deep South, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends, I have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends... ...that you were a wizard under the sheets."

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper who was known to own a couple of the best hunting hound dogs around. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and shouted, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

A Priest and a Rabbi were having lunch. The Priest asked the Rabbi if he ever cheated and tried eating pork? The Rabbi said, "Yes, once or twice I have cheated". Then the Rabbi asked the Priest if he had ever cheated on his vow of celibacy.

The surprised priest said, "yes, once or twice."
The Rabbi said, "It sure beats pork doesn't it?"

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put twenty dollar bills into the collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of twenty dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks, and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.

In the early 1800s this priest packed his church with fiery sermons on carnal sin. One Sunday, he said he would preach to a huge congregation a sermon on "that little piece of flesh, the most dangerous appurtenance of a man's body."

The men blanched and ladies blushed as the priest elaborated on all the horrendous consequences of this body parts misuse, his eyes shooting sparks as he expounded graphically on and on. Toward the end of the sermon he leaned over the pulpit to scream at his listeners "Shall I name you that tiny piece of flesh?"

There was a paralyzed silence. Smelling salts were extracted from the ladies handbags.
The priest leaned out further and his voice rose to a hoarse shout, "Shall I show you that tiny piece of flesh?"

Horrified silence... Not a whisper or a rustle of a prayer book could be heard. Then the priests voice dropped and a sly smile slid over his face "Ladies and gentlemen, behold the source of our sins" and ...then he stuck out his tongue.

A rabbi happened to be looking out of the synagogue's open door when he saw a familiar face. All at once it dawned on him where he had seen the man before. He rushed out and grabbed the passerby. "Swindler! Thief!" the rabbi hollered. "Only yesterday I saw you begging in front of the Catholic Church. Today you're begging at the entrance to a synagogue. What are you, Catholic or Jew?"

"A Jew, " the beggar gulped. "But in these hard times, who can make a living from only one religion?"

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race, his donkey came in second. The next day the paper read:

PREACHERS ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in another race.
This time it won, and the paper read:

PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher, being a charitable chap, gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted! He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for ten bucks. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
They buried the Bishop the next day....

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS", approached him. The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage, which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

A pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle," said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The boy said, "You got a deal."

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

A minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church Lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys! Boys! Boys!" intoned the minister, "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all."
The boys looked at each other and then all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win, Pastor!"

The preacher spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners with no exceptions. At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does anyone here think they are without sin?"

He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews stood up. The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a fiery sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?"

The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but for my wife's first husband."

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes."

A new minister had just moved into his beautiful ancient ministry, and found that he now had a lot of land, fields and woodland. He decided to buy a magnificent mare so that he could ride around his new parish to see all his parishioners. When the animal arrived, he was told, "This horse has only just been broken in so you will have to teach it the commands that you want it to obey."

This was a bit of a challenge to the minister, so he thought, "I know I will teach it some church words." First, instead of the command to gallop, he taught it the words, "Praise the Lord" and as soon as the horse heard this command it raced forward.

The next command was to make it stop, so instead of Whoa, he taught it Amen, and the horse would skid to a halt. Everything went fine for a few years, and then the time came for the minister to move to a new parish.

He advertised his beloved animal for sale, and a local yokel bought it, but before the minister would part with the animal he decided to tell the new owner about the language that the horse had been taught.

"Now young man, don't forget, when you want the horse to go at a gallop you say Praise the Lord, and when you want it to stop, you say Amen."

Later the man decided to try the horse. "Praise the Lord," he said, and off they went at full gallop.
The man suddenly remembered there is a cliff ahead with a five hundred foot drop to the sea.

"Whoa, Whoa," he shouted, but the horse raced on towards the long drop. "Whoa, Whoa," he
shouted but to no avail. Just before they reached the cliff, he remembered to say "Amen."

The horse skidded to a halt inches away from the drop. The rider looked over the edge sighed and muttered, "Praise the Lord."

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between ten and twelve years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us
can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon about lying, starting with, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending up with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.
The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on around in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard! After about one full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water.

A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"

But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away.

The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!" and rowed away in the orange raft.

The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat.

The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!" The man still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away.

The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked "God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?" God then replied, " I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter! What else do you want from me?"

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Catholic Priests
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

Clancy lived alone in the Irish country side with only a pet dog for company. One day his dog died, and Clancy went to the parish priest and asked, "Good Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We canna have services for an animal in the church. There there are some Baptists down the land, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do somethin' for the creature."

Clancy than replies, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya thinkl $1000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick's mouth dropped open and then he exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic!"

A sixteen year old virgin girl went for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I called a man a son of a bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" the priest asked.
"Because, Father, he touched my arm without permission."
"Do you mean like this?' He touches her arm.
"Yes, Father."
"That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
"But Father, he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this?" He touches her breasts."
"That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
"But, Father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this?" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes, Father."
"That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
"But Father, he then put his you know what in my you know where."
"Like this?" He puts his you know what in her you know where.
"Yes, Father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
"But Father, he has AIDS."
"That son-of-a-bitch!"

Two guys were reading the newspaper one Sunday morning, when they saw an ad for cheap airline tickets to Pittsburgh. They were thrilled, and jumped into the car and headed for the airport. They also needed change for the meter when they arrived. The guys went inside the airport and stopped just short of the ticket counter. There they saw a gorgeous woman behind the counter... She had a rather large chest along with a see through blouse.

The first guy went up to the counter and asked, "May I have two tickets to titsburgh?" He backed away from the window visibly embarrassed.

The second guy muttered, "Idiot. I will do it!" he went up to the counter and said, "I would like to buy two tickets to Pittsburgh and I need change for a quarter... two dimes and a nipple should do it!"

He also retreated...just as embarrassed as his friend was. They pondered their dilemma, when they saw a priest approaching the counter. They thought this fellow would be perfect. How could he mess up!

They approached the priest and asked him to buy their tickets. The priest said, "Sure, no problem."

When the woman had processed the tickets, she smiled at the priest. He frowned back at her and said, "Young lady, you should be ashamed. Saint Finger is watching you and shaking his peter at you!"

"Father, yesterday I made love to my wife"
The priest explained that there was nothing wrong with that.
"But father, I did it with lust!"
Again the priest reassured the man that it was no sin.
"But father, it was in the middle of the day!"

The priest was growing uncomfortable with the description but assured him that it was a natural act for a man and wife.

"But father, it was sheer passion. I followed her around the fridge and as she leaned over the deep freeze I jumped on her and we did it on the floor. Am I banned from the church?"
"Of course not," said the exasperated priest.
"Oh that's good. The manager has banned both of us from the Supermarket."

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.

"No, not at all," the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few," stated the preacher.

"Oh that's all right," replied the woman. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

Vicar: "What's that you're doing, Tommy?"
Tommy: "Sticking bangers up frog's arses, Vicar."
Vicar: "Rectum, Tommy."
Tommy: "Blows them to smithereens, Vicar!"

This bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the priest can't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if there's more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the bishop volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says, "Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The bishop says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sits down and writes: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest, which reads: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it. "The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said "No, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

The Pope had just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and was taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur felt he didn't have much choice, so he climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.

The Pope proceeded down Silverado, and started accelerating to see what the limo could do. He got to about 90 mph, and suddenly saw the red & blue lights of CHP in his mirror. He pulled over and the trooper came to the window. The trooper, seeing who it was, said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and asked for the chief. She told the chief that she had pulled over a REALLY important person, and asked how to handle it.

A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven.

St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"

"Well", the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."
St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is beside himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours,
and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"

"Well", says Mother Mary, "honestly, I was really hoping for a girl."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are Ten Commandments not twelve.
There were twelve disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The Aussie tourist was video taping his visit to the Vatican when he spied a white robed figure in the distance. Zooming in he realized it was the Pope, with his cassock thrown over his head and his hand gently moving on his manhood. The Pope looked up just then and saw him, so walked over casually and said, "What's that on your shoulder?"

The tourist proudly says, "This is my new video camera I just bought this $900 camera duty free."
Pope says, "Hummmmmm. Interesting. Tell you what; I'll give you $5,000 for that camera.
Aussie thinks that's great and walks away with his money.

Now the Pope starts walking about videotaping everything when one of the Cardinals walks up and asks what the Pope is doing.

The Pope tells him he has just bought this video camera from a tourist.
Interested, the Cardinal says, " Yeah, how much?"
The Pope says, "Well, would you believe $5,000?"
Cardinal, amazed says, laughingly, "Boy, he must have seen you coming."

A Catholic Priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to find a toilet and relieve himself. In fact he very much afraid of soiling himself and kept crossing his legs and groaning since his kidneys felt like they were about to burst. All morning long people kept coming and coming to confess to lay bare their guilty consciences. So he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled a janitor. He asked the janitor to cover for him, gave him the confession book, and sped off in the direction of the nearest toilet.

The janitor was a little bewildered by it all but went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came into her side of the confessional, closed her door, and knelt in front of his window. She said, "Father, I have sinned: I cheated on my husband."

The janitor scanned through the pages of the book until he found "adultery". He told the woman to say five Hail Mary's and wash in Holy Water.

Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I sucked on another man's Manhood, and (pause) .... I swallowed his cum!"

The janitor looked and looked but couldn't find a penance listed for oral sex. He leaned out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy: "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

With a smile, the boy replied "Five dollars and a candy bar!"

The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match."

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres.... we can't lose!"

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, "Cardinal Nicklaus" reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the results of the match. "I came in second, your holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?"
"No," Nicklaus said, "second to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

In the olden days a Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him.

Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones: ..... "Born a Jew ...... Raised a Jew ...... Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying: "Born a cow...... raised a cow ...... now a fish."

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a barstool next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here in the newspaper that the Pope has a bad case of arthritis."

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.

One local man has put on his best suit, and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally downtrodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by, he leans over and says something to the bum, and then walks right by the local man.

The well dressed fellow can't believe it; then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him because he's concerned for the unfortunate people, the poor and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.

Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

There was a Rabbi who went to the Catholic Priest at the church and asked, "How do you get the money to make your church so beautiful?"

Father said, "We hear confessions; observe while I demonstrate."

So the priest gets in the center compartment, the Rabbi on one side and in walks the first penitent. "It's been one week since my last confession and I have committed adultery three times."

Father says, "For your penance say a Hail Mary and put five dollars in the collection box and your sins will be forgiven."
The next penitent walks in and says, "It's been one week since my last confession and I've committed adultery three times."
Father says, "For your penance say a Hail Mary and put five dollars in the collection box and your sins will be forgiven."

The Rabbi says, "Ooh, can I try?"
So the priest and the Rabbi switch booths. In walks the next penitent. "Can I help you," says the Rabbi.
The penitent says, "It's been one week since my last confession and I've committed adultery two times."
The Rabbi says, "Go out and do it a third time; we have a special - three for five dollars!"

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"

"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed. "Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.
"No," said the dying man.
"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"
"No," the man repeats.
"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Sullivan.
"Because," said the dying man, "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start annoying anybody."

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.

Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Every Saturday, this man goes into his barbershop. So this one Saturday he told his barber that he was going to Rome.
The Barber asked what flight he was going to take. The Man responded "A-1."

The barber yelled, "A-1! Are you crazy? That plane's food is horrible! And, you'll never get a wink of sleep 'cause the engines are so noisy!"

After a moment of silence, the barber politely asked, "What hotel are you staying at?"
The man replied "The Grand Hotel."

The Barber again yelled, "Why are you going there? The place is infested with roaches, and the mattresses are as hard as a rock!"

Then after another moment of silence, the man said, "Oh, and guess what I'm going to do?" "What?" asked the barber. "I'm going to see the pope!"

The barber literally screamed, "You'll never get to see the pope!! No one ever gets to see the pope up close!"
Two weeks later the man came back and said that the plane and the hotel were great. The barber was astonished.

The barber asked if the man got to see the pope up close. The man stretched his arms about 2 feet a part and said, "I got to see the pope and I was this far away and he talked to me personally."

"No way," said the barber. "What did he say to you?"
"Where'd you get the dumb haircut?" the man replied.

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers.

The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Again, she didn't react at all.

Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"

A man called the church office. "I would like to speak to the 'head hog at the trough.'"
"I'm sorry, who?" replied the church secretary.
"I would like to speak to the 'head hog at the trough.'"

"Well," said the church secretary, "if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as Pastor, Father, or Brother, but you may certainly not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough!'"

"Well, okay, but I was planning to donate $10,000 to the building fund..."
The church secretary interrupted with: "Hang on, I think the big, fat pig just walked in!"

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has seventeen children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another twenty-two children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder... those are friars!"

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, its called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water, If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."

The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a motorcycle."

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"

She replied, "That you did, Father."
The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet Father," said she.
"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!"

The Pope, a Monsignor, and a young priest were hanging out in the Pope's office talking. Suddenly, through a partially closed door, they see Jesus Christ himself strolling down the hall. They look at each other aghast.

The Pope strides across the office, sits down at a typewriter and starts banging away at it. Over the clatter, the Monsignor shakily asks "Your Holiness, what are you doing? That's Jesus himself coming down the hall."

The Pope, still typing away, looks up and says testily, "I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna look real busy."

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."

"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?" "Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest.

"My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, my son, but the flashing neon sign 'TOOT 'N TELL OR GO TO HELL' has to go."

Upon arriving back at the church, the pastor sees Sister Mary. "Look at the big Son-of-a-bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary grabs her rosary and says to the pastor, "Father, please, such language isn't appropriate."
"No, no, Sister, its called a Son-of-a-bitch fish --- really."

"Oh!" says Sister Mary. I'll take that Son-of-a-bitch into the kitchen and start cleaning it now." She does just that.

As she is cleaning the fish, the friar comes into the kitchen and sees Sister Mary at work. "I see you are really prepping that big boy well," says the friar.

"I'm cleaning this Son-of-a-bitch the pastor just brought back from his fishing trip."

"Sister, Sister, if you are so upset about it, I'll clean it --- just watch your tongue!" She proceeds to tell him the story, "It's a Son-of-a-bitch fish!" "Oh," says the friar, "that's good." "You know," he continues, "the Pope is stopping by tonight for a bite. Why don't we serve him the Son-of-a-bitch fish? I will cook it in my special recipe."

"Great idea!" says Sister Mary. So the friar cooks the Son-of-a-bitch fish and when the Pope arrives, that is what is served.

The Pope begins to eat it, and starts smiling approvingly. "This is the best fish I have had in ages," the Pope exclaims.

"I caught the Son-of-a-bitch!" the pastor says proudly. The Pope stops eating, looks up, but says nothing.

"And I cleaned that Son-of-a-bitch," says Sister Mary. The Pope this time widens his eyes, but still says nothing.

"And I cooked the Son-of-a-bitch with my own special recipe," says the friar. The Pope's eyebrows rise high. He swallows hard, takes a drink of water, then says: "Hey, you fuckers are all right!"

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.

"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!
I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

Nuns
A young boy came to visit his grandmother at a Catholic convalescent home. While touring the home he wandered into the kitchen and saw one of the Nuns' cooking. The boy asked the Nun: "Sister, how do you make Holy Water?"

The Sister looked at him smiled and said, "We boil the Hell out of it!"

Two nuns were traveling in Rome on their bicycles, and turned down a side street. One nun look nervously at the other and said, "I don't think I've come this way before."

The other nun said, "It's the cobblestones dear."

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the U.S. by boat. One says to the other: "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

The companion nun replies: "If we are to live in America we should do what the natives do."

The mother superior points to a near-by hot dog vendor and says I do find myself hungry." And they walk towards it.

"Two dogs please," says one when they get there.

The vendor is only too pleased to comply. He wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their heated dogs.

The mother superior is the first to open hers, and after staring at it a moment, leans over to the other nun and cautiously whispers, "What part did you get?"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent. The last stern instruction from Mother Superior is: "And don't you dare get a drop of paint on your habits. Be very careful of your wimples."

After conferring for some minutes about this, the two nuns decide the easiest way to solve the problem is to lock the door, strip off their habits right down to their wimples and paint in the nude.

In the middle of their project there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," yells the voice on the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug their shoulders and decide no harm could come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice tits," said the man. "Where shall I put the blinds?"

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how to get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie, of course, says that he would love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday at midnight, the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord. "If you dress up in robe and use some glowing powder, "the bus driver said, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie agrees and decides to try this out.

That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule, the nun shows up. When she is in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of God.

"I am God. I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so that she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After he finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts "Ha, ha! I'm not God. I am a hippie!"

The nun replies by ripping off her mask and shouts "Ha, ha! I'm not the nun. I am the bus driver!!!"

Nuns get admitted into Heaven through a special gate and are expected to have one last confessional before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the end of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your holiness," says the nun that is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Mary Catherine sticks her ass in it!"

As the good Irishman was coming home from working in the peat bogs, he decided to stop for a pint at the local pub. Standing outside of the pub was a wee nun...holding a sign that read: "Liquor is the root of all evil! Stay away from this Devil's Hole!"

The good Irishman stopped for a moment and asked the nun if she had ever tried any drink at all.
She replied: "Heaven's no! I'm a sister of the cloth!"
He said in turn: "Then how do you truly know it's a Devil's drink?"

She pondered this for a bit and said: "You know my son, you are right! Perhaps I should try something to really be sure! But, I don't know what the ladies drink!"

He told her it was not a problem as most ladies drank a wee bit of gin.
"Good!" she said, "but get it in a wee paper cup, so none will know what I'm drinking!"
He agrees, goes into the bar, and orders a pint of bitters for himself, and a tog of gin in a WEE paper cup.
The bartender just shook his head, and said, "That bloody nun is out there again, is she!"

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

Priest: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed."

Sister: "I think that would be okay."
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Sister: "Father, I'm terribly cold."
Priest: "Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet."
Ten minutes later...
Sister: " Father, I'm still terribly cold."
Priest: " Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket."
Ten minutes later...
Sister: "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night."
Priest: "You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket."

Three nuns were killed in car accident, and on the way to heaven St. Peter told them that heaven was full and that each of them would have to answer a question to get into heaven, the nuns agreed. So St. Peter asked the first nun: "Who was the first woman on earth?"

The first nun replied, "That's an easy one. It was Eve." and POOF she was in heaven.
St. Peter asked the second nun: "Who was the first man on earth?"
The second nun replied, "That is an easy one. It was Adam", and POOF she was in heaven.

St. Peter turned to the third nun and said: "This question will be the toughest of the three questions. What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"

The nun thought for a while and said: "I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that! Jeez, is that ever a hard one!" and POOF she was in heaven.

The truck driver had this rabid hatred for lawyers, ever since his divorce. Whenever he'd see a lawyer alongside the side of the road, he would PURPOSELY swerve to hit him, even if it meant veering onto the shoulder.

One day, he saw a figure up ahead, hitchhiking. The driver thought "Lawyer!" and started to swerve. To his surprise, he saw it was a nun! He stopped and asked if he could give the sister a ride, which she graciously accepted, to the convent farther up ahead.

A mile or so later, the driver saw a lawyer ahead, broken down on the shoulder. He instinctively swerved, but at the last moment remembered that he had the nun with him, and he yanked the wheel hard to get back on the road.. only to hear, to his great dismay, a solid thump, along with the anguished cry of the lawyer.

"Oh no, Sister! I'm sorry!" said the trucker. "I thought I swerved enough to miss him!"
"You did, my son," replied the nun. "I got the bastard with the door!"

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school. She was in an advanced state of agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
"How much did you win?"

The contemplative routine of a convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "That's fine, but the term they actually use is 'f**king shovel.'".

A nun got into a cab, and the driver was staring at her. She asked him why he was staring at her, and he said, "I want to ask you a question, but I don't want to offend you.

She said, "You can't offend me, not as old as I am and as long as I have been a nun... I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver said, " Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
She said, "Well, let's see what we can work out. First, you have to be single, and also you have to be Catholic."
The cab driver said, "Oh, I'm single, and I am Catholic!"

She said," O.K., pull into the alley," and he did. She did her thing, they were on the street again, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?
He said, "Sister, I have sinned, I lied, I lied. I'm married, and I'm Jewish!
She said, "That's okay. My name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the FUCK off our car!"

A little old nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a pint of blackberry brandy. The storeowner says this is highly irregular sister, I can't sell you liquor.

The nun replies, "This is not for me, it's for mother superior. She is constipated."

The owner thinks for a moment and then says ok under the circumstances. He wraps up the bottle and off she goes.

About an hour later in walks the little old nun again. Weaving her way across the floor she approaches the owner and in a slurring voice says, "I'd like another pint of blackberry brandy."

The owner surprised at her condition commences to admonish her with, "You lied to me, you told me the brandy was for the mother superior. What about her constipation?"

The nun replies, "Don't worry deary. When she sees me she'll shit."

Pat was not feeling very well, so he decided to go to a doctor. While he was waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun came out of the doctor's office. She looked very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat went into the doctor's office and said to the doctor, "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor said, "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaimed, "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responded, "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

At the end of their term, mother superior is asking the girls at the convent school what they wanted to become, once they leave. One wants to be a social worker, and mother superior is delighted. Another one wants to become a kindergarten teacher; mother superior thinks that to be a good idea. The next girl wants to be a nurse, and mother superior says that this was great. When she asks the last one about her plans, the young girl says, " I want to become a prostitute!"

With a terrible scream mother superior faints. When she comes to again she asks:" My child, what did you say, you wanted to become?"

The girl answers with a firm voice:" A prostitute!"
Mother superior then said with a sigh of relief:" Thank God, I understood you to say 'Protestant'!"

A priest and a nun went golfing one day. The priest seemed to have an extremely foul mouth for a priest. He was first to putt. "God damnit, I missed!" exclaimed the priest. This upset the nun. She replied, "If you say that two more times, God will send a bolt of lightning down from the sky at you!"

The priest then takes his second putt. "God damnit, I missed again!" screamed the priest even louder. The nun wasn't very happy with the priest this time. "If you say that again, I know you will get struck by lightning. God doesn't like his name used in vain."

This priest wasn't a very good golfer, for he missed again. Ignoring the nun's threats, he yells, "God damnit, I missed!" Then, all of a sudden, there came a huge bolt of lightning down from the sky. It hit the nun. Then the clouds move and God peeks down. He yells, "God damnit, I missed!"

A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."

Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"

Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"

The blonde replies, "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!"

There was a country boy who comes down to town and stays too long in the pub, ending up pissed as a rat. On leaving he walks down the road and bumps in to a nun who was standing outside her church.

The boy turns on the nun throwing her to the ground and flailing at her with both hands kicking and wrestling with her. The patrons of the pub hear the fight and come running outside and drag him off the Nun.

As he is being taken away he yells out, "Shit! I thought you would be tougher than that, Batman!"

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at the football game, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort, to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there..."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 Catholics living there..."
The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there..."

One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, and calmly said, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there."

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get."

"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth."

A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.

"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," the second replied. "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'Pinkus Fucktus.'"

Jewish jokes
A rabbi had a terrible car wreck and was rushed to a local Catholic hospital. After the doctors patched him up, he recuperated in the orthopedic ward for several weeks. As he recovered from his injuries he became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there.

One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"

"Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."

A catholic priest, a protestant minister and a rabbi were discussing how to handle the contributions to the church.
The priest says; "I take a piece of chalk, draw a circle, throw the money up and whatever land in the circle is God's, and the rest is mine."

The minister says: " I draw a line, throw up the money and whatever lands on the far side is God's, and what lands on my side is mine."

The rabbi says: "I throw up the money and whatever God wants he takes-and what comes back down is mine."

A Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest enjoyed teasing their Rabbi friend, continually asking him when he was going to convert to their religion.

When the Holidays rolled around, the Rabbi sent them the following card:
"Season's Greetings! Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish; When the Messiah comes, you'll wish you were Jewish!!"

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."

The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

All the religious leaders in the US get together in San Francisco to see if they can end their differences and be one total religion. Lunch the first day finds a Priest, a Mormon Minister and a Rabbi all sitting around the same table. The conversation gets around to collections and how do they get their spending money.

The Priest tells them that he has a six foot circle in his office and after collections on Sunday he stands in the middle of the circle and throws the money in the air anything landing inside the circle goes to Gods work, anything outside the circle goes to the Priest.

The Mormon Minister tells that he has almost the same type of arrangement only he has a line down the middle of his office. After church services he throws all the money in the air any money on the right of the line goes for God's work, anything on the left goes to the Minister.

The Rabbi explained his method. "I stand in the middle of my office and throw all the money in the air, if God wants any he can grab all he wants".

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.

The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "But what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Why Not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing!" answered the rabbi with a disapproving look. "Can't have immodesty now can we? God would frown upon such suggestive behavior."

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS AFRICAN-AMERICAN
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

But perhaps the most compelling evidence .........

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN.....
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do!

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down beside him and starts to eat some matzos (a flat thin rough surfaced unleavened bread eaten during the Passover).

He gives a piece to the blind man. A couple of minutes later, the blind man says, "Who wrote this junk?"

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."

"No problem," said the first bee, "just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Fine," said the second bee, "it was everything you said it would be."

"Oh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee,
"I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "Heeeeeeeeee's Riiiiiiiiight!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So?" shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

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